Tag Archives: alone

Non-Medication Remedies For Anxiety – Brittany Lee Vaughn

My name is Brittany Lee Vaughn. I am a 22 year old single-stay at home-first time mother to a beautiful little girl named AnnaLee Willow. Anna is currently 5 months old and the highlight of my life. B​eelieve In The Journey​ is my personal passion project. I hope to turn my blog into a full-time job, and stay home with my darling daughter all while doing what I’m passionate about. I hope that you will consider joining me on my journey. Below is a list of my contact information and social media accounts: Beelieve In The JourneyInstagramFacebookEtsyPinterestGoogle+, and Tumblr.

Non-Medication Remedies For Anxiety

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The ​Merriam-Webster​dictionary defines anxiety as “​an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often ​marked by physical signs​​ (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat​​, and by self-doubt about one’s ​capacity to cope with it​​.”

There are some key points I would like to point out in this definition. The first would be that anxiety is “marked by physical signs.” If you have experience with anxiety you know that anxiety will show its ugly face several minutes before or hours before an attack occurs. Either way, an anxiety attack will let you know that it is coming. This concept is what my therapist loves to refer to as “fight or flight mode.” It’s a very common phrase and refers back to our very own primitive instincts built into our very own brains.

Rick Hanson​, Ph. D. explains that “the amygdala (as you know, there are two of them, one on each side of the brain) does initiate the fight or flight response through inputs into the hypothalamus (triggering the hormonal part of that response) and to brainstem control centers of the sympathetic nervous system for the neural parts of the fight or flight response.” Referring back to Webster’s definition, anxiety appears by feeling threatened. This is your fight or flight response. The duration and severity of your anxious state all depends on your “capacity to cope with it.” For some people this may be medication, but for others the idea of taking and/or relying on a medication everyday is a scary thought all within itself. As a person who also struggles with severe anxiety, I have witnessed the very panic of taking medication to cope with my anxiety.

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I am here​ to tell you that anxiety is manageable, to a certain extent, without medication. I must say that I am not a healthcare professional. ​This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I advise that you should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition. From my own experience,

I have successfully managed anxiety using methods other than medication and I am here to share them with you!

Practice Mindfulness

B​eing mindful is one of the most effective ways to manage your anxiety. Be aware of your mind and body sending you warning signs. If you are starting to see signs of anxiety arise, whether it is long term or short term warning signs, utilize some of the upcoming tools to help you work through it.

Breathe ​

When you start to feel yourself getting overwhelmed, have a go-to breathing exercise. Personally, I mix counting in with my breathing. I count down from 10 and take a deep breath in, hold it for a couple seconds, and then release. This keeps you stay inthe present moment and stops you from over thinking.

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Meditate​

Meditation can center your thoughts and help you overcome your fears. Mediation is a great long term anxiety method but can also be utilized in the moment of an anxiety attack. You can also mix breathing techniques in with meditation.

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Self Help/Personal Development Blogs or Books

​ Reading blogs or books on how to improve yourself, love yourself, manage your anxiety, or even on how to just get the most out of your life will help your anxiety. The authors of these blogs or books are going through or have gone through ​exactly ​​what you are going through right now. I find it very comforting to know that I am not alone in this. I hope that you do too. Best part about this is that you are already taking advantage of this tool just by reading this!

Exercise

Exercise is a very BLEH way for some people to manage their anxiety. From personal experience it does help. It gives a sense of accomplishment. It makes me feel strong and capable. Sometimes anxiety is caused from overthinking and being hard on ourselves.Exercising eliminates these aspects of anxiety. If you aren’t able to go for a run or hit the gym you can simply walk, practice yoga, or do some vigorous cleaning. These are lighter forms of exercise that will also give you those same feelings.

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Changing Your Sleep Patterns

​If you are anything like me then depression and anxiety go hand in hand. One of the most effective ways to manage both of these at once is changing your sleep patterns. Most people will recommend that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night to become well rested. Although, too much sleeping can be detrimental to your mental health and well being. To a certain extent, I believe in this. On the other hand I believe sleep can give you a mental reboot of sorts. If I start to feel myself getting anxious I will go to bed early or take a nap. Too much sleep can be seen as depression warning signs, but it can also be a great self love and reboot tool as well.

Brain Dump

​Something I use all the time are brain dump tools. I go a bit overboard and use a bullet journal, planner, writing journal, as well as a counselor. I am very comforted by lists and organization. I feel like I have control over myself, my brain, and my emotions if I am able to put it all on paper. A bullet journal helps me create an environment to place all my lists, plans, and habits. A writing journal helps me dump all of my overthinking out onto paper. Once I pour everything out I shut the journal and never read it again. Once my thoughts are on paper, then that is it. Worries out the door! I see a counselor whenever I need to work through something that is causing me emotional distress or making me nervous. Having someone unbiased and experienced makes me feel safe and allows me to move forward. I highly advise to use any one or more of these tools to help you stop overthinking and causing worry.

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These are just some things that have personally helped me overcome my anxiety everyday. I hope that they can help you as well.

You are not alone. It is incredibly important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you and that what you are going through is normal. Anxiety IS manageable especially when you have support. If you start to feel like it is unmanageable reach out for help. Whether it is a health expert, a friend, a family member, or even me. ​I am always an email or private message away.

Bee Inspired,

Brittany Lee Vaughn

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I want to thanks Brittany for sending over her entry as a guest blogger for my blog! She’s been patiently waiting for it to go up on my site because I had so many people send me their posts over the last few months, and still more are coming in! Check our Brittany’s blog, or hit her up on any social media listed at the top for more stories and remember to check in on your mental health from time to time.

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Eight Ways to Cope With Anxiety and Depression – Jeanne Marie

Running
Hello Everyone. My name is Jeanne Marie. I am from the beautiful country known as Trinidad and Tobago which is in close proximity to Venezuela. I always knew I worried quite a bit but I didn’t exactly know the extent of my issue till I started studying Psychology myself as well as when I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder at age 25. I know for most people that is quite a late diagnosis but my symptoms only started to manifest itself when I left TT to study in England where I also was treated for depression. 
As a psychology graduate it has been tough sharing my story because 1) I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. 2) it is more challenging because I studied psychology therefore, it is harder for people to accept that I need assistance just like everyone else so I used to deal with my issues on my own or seek out others in the field.
For more of me check out my website: jeannemarieth.blogspot.com

8 Ways to Cope With Anxiety and Depression

  1. Take time to indulge in activities that you really enjoy. For example, I love dancing as such I spend at least two hours a day dancing around my house in my underwear and I don’t care if my neighbors  see me. I feel so free and relaxed. The world doesn’t exist.
  2. Get in touch with a higher being. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a prayer to God (though that is my personal choice), it can be mediating or self reflecting.
  3. Remove negativity out of your life. I know that seems easier said than done especially when these negative forces in your life are family or co-workers. In those circumstances, create as much distance as possible from these people. Light banter if you will but don’t get involved in their bickering and do not engage in their behavior if directed towards you.
  4. Write a list of positive attributes about yourself. I focus on creating a list of 10 positive affirmations each day but I know for some this may be a challenge. Therefore, you can start slowly. One positive affirmation a day and grow from there.
  5. When you feel anxious, go to a safe space by yourself and cry. Let all the emotions that you feel out. I don’t know about anyone else but I tend to bottle up my emotions until it becomes overwhelming and I have a mental breakdown. You want to avoid that as much as possible. Therefore, if you need to cry, I say cry. If you need to scream or talk to yourself, be my guest. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
  6. Confide in genuine people. I am blessed with two best friends that I can share my life challenges with. They don’t judge or ever criticize which helps. Find the right people. Some can be very dismissive of your emotions. You do not want someone like that as a confidant.
  7. Of course the obvious choice is seeking counseling. Counseling can be expensive if sought out privately but there is always free counseling sessions available at churches, non-governmental organizations or depending on where you live the government may provides such avenues. Support groups are quite helpful as they make you feel less alone.
  8. You may need to be prescribed medication if your symptoms are severe. You must consult a psychiatrist before taking any pills. Let them recommend any medication they believe may be of assistance.

Thank you for reading. I hope you can apply some of the points to your own situations in the future.

Additionally, I would like to thank Ms. Koral Dawn for the opportunity of guest blogging on her website!

Links to my websites are provided down below.

Blog: jeannemarieth.blogspot.com

Instagram: @jeannemarieth
A big thank you to Jeanne for posting on anxiety and depression! All of my guests have given their own perspective on how to deal with these stresses and I’m so happy to see they all have a bit of a different view on the situations at hand! While many post recently have had similar titles, each one is unique in their own way.
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Getting Into the Holiday Spirit – A Holiday Guide – BeautyMePlease

This Black Friday post comes to you from a fellow Washington resident! Briana reached out to me regarding guest posting, and lo and behold she lives only one hour from me in my new home state! I’m sure you’ll see more collaborating between her and I in the coming years as we can easily work together to come up with ideas. Without further hesitation, I present BeautyMePlease!

As the end of the year approaches faster than ever, every year we still face the same problem: Getting into the holiday vibe. True story! You must be thinking, “alright Bri, Good luck with that”, well GRINCH, I don’t need your input!

Before we get started let me introduce myself, My name is Briana and I am the owner/creator of Beauty me Please! I am a beauty blogger and freelance makeup artist that blog about beauty as long as it is cruelty free & vegan! I also do personal blogs and self care because we all need that reminder to take care of ourselves. If you want to see more of me don’t hesitate to visit me at beautymeplease.com

Coffee up and take a seat because we are getting festive!

1. Smell like a SNACK

Ever here the term “Smelling like a snack? Yeah I have too and I am not too fond of it but it is relevant for this topic. One way to get into the holiday spirit to to bathe in the scents and oh so good beauty products. I am talking candles, shower gels, lotions, hair products and maybe as far as toothpaste. That sounds like a cavity. But it is a start! If your tree is up, spray some pine, need some candles? Hit up Bath N Body works for some sugarcookie or vanilla scented candles to make your house smell like a bakery all day everyday! Something fun and relaxing is taking a bath and using a really good scented bath bomb and then lotion up afterwards. Usually with smells that go well together. Careful not to go overboard though, it happens.

2. Baking and baked goods make the heart whole 

At heart, if there are no sweets of any kind I am a very very sad soul and many others are too. It is literally the unofficial tradition for thanksgiving or Christmas. Sure you have your buffets of food but your holiday will not be complete without  some yummy baked goods. 

So you can go out an check out and support your local bake shops because usually they have the good stuff. Or checkout Pinterest because there are so many really good and healthy dishes and recipes but the search will be unlimited! Best believe Pinterest has millions of recipes and more more are added everyday and since the holidays are here, you are boundto find the perfect recipe.

 

3. Facebook events

If you are looking to save money this year because you blew it all on decorations or presents but still want something to do then this is for you. Around this time of year, your town or city have many events happening pertaining to the holiday or celebrations. There are dance events, events for family and children,concerts, special mall parties, whatever it may be you are bound to something really fun and worth the experience. A lot of the events depending on the area will be free and also depending on the area or event in general there are fees but nothing too crazy. Definitely doable. Facebook events are easily accessible in the app and on desktop. Give it a whirl and see what you find.

4. Decorate!

This is the simplest and easiest way to truly get festive and feel one with the spirit! Decorating is like the soul or the door to feeling happy and good spirited with the harsh winter fall and winter weather. It keeps you sain, and you don’t have to leave your house if you don’t want after you make your place a living museum of decorative vibes. And every year you get to spend time in looking for MORE decor to compliment what you already have. It is the truest form of satisfaction.

5. You’re the Grinch

If none of these are tickling you yet, I fear that it is too late for you! YOU GRINCH! Or possibly scrooge? You simply cannot be entertained! Getting festive and feeling the holiday is also wanting to really feel something else other than moping around and feeling unhappy. My advice? Go to that neighborhood where every house and lawn is decked out head-to-toe in decorations. Appreciate all the pretty lights and the effort that goes into that maintenance and dedication it took to get all that out. You know what I am talking about! When you were younger your family would drive around looking at all the homes that were bright and colorful SCREAMING for attention! If that STILL doesn’t get your blood flowing well, Netflix your problems until you feel better.

Well that is all I have for this year guys! I hope you guys enjoyed this read as much as I did but really, all seriousness aside you should really some of these out if you haven’t already, could make a difference, who knows. I’d like to thank Koral, for giving me the opportunity to reach out to you guys and give you some ideas and hopefully a laugh! She is a great person and I love her work as you do too! Thank you for having me, again my name is Briana and I hope you have the BEST Thanksgiving and Christmas and a Happy New year!

What Am I Anxious About? – by Kanzu and Kimchi Blog

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Hello Unsanity readers! It’s time for a guest blog post this week! Bloggers come from all over the world, and Kristie was so excited to write as a guest for me regarding her anxiousness relating to my current theme. She’s nearly 12 hours ahead of me in the world of time believe it or not. My morning is her late night and I think it’s amazing how networking and blogging can bring us all together from different ends of the earth. Check out her story below and give her blog some love (linked below in the paragraphs) and thanks so much for writing your story!

My name is Kristie, I recently started my own blog, Kanzu and Kimchi, where I talk about my expat life, travelling the world and shamelessly pinning and posting anything pretty I can photograph.  I’m 35 years old. I’m married, am a mother of two boys, have a Cavapoo/Cavoodle named Winston and currently live in Muscat, Oman. I love to travel, hate to fly and worry I’ll never have time to experience everything the world has to offer. I am obsessed with CrossFit, love to read and write and dream of being inspiring and creative enough to make a difference in the world. I have suffered from anxiety for most of my life. It has been tolerable, intolerable and at times downright debilitating. What am I anxious about? Everything and yet nothing at the same time.

I have nothing to be anxious about. I had an amazing childhood, came from a stable, loving household, went to University, earned lots of money, have beautiful perfect children and a perfect husband who supports every stupid, ridiculous thing I do… but it’s still there. It holds my hand and accompanies me to public events, keeps me awake at night with its incessant chatter and envelopes me in its suffocating embrace every time I board an aircraft. It makes me question and loathe myself as much as it propels me forward in a desperate attempt for perfection and success.

I remember starting to feel anxious about ‘everything’ the first time my mother was late collecting me from school. By late I mean, 5mins outside of her normal, ridiculously punctual routine. I envisaged she had been maimed in a horrific car accident, the victim of a reckless driver taken from my life forever.  My chest felt heavy, I couldn’t breathe, and I felt like I needed to flick my foot, shake my hand or walk around in circles to somehow abate the nervous energy that had started to take hold of my entire being. My world felt like it was spinning, and no words of comfort could pull me back from the abyss. It just grew from there, a constant sense of impending doom. I was afraid to fail, feared I would never be good enough, afraid that a thunderstorm would turn into a hurricane or that the Gulf War would somehow find its way to my front doorstep.

By the time I got to my early twenties my anxiety had become debilitating. I was afraid to drive my car fearing death by motor accident, I stopped leaving the house, I struggled to sleep and started to convince myself I had a million health issues. To fight the exhaustion, I lived on sugar and made frequent visits to my doctor, worried I was dying a slow death. After my 1001th visit my doctor sent me off for tests. He knew that because my anxiety had become so bad that his words alone would never placate my obsessive thoughts, I would need to see it all, written down in black and white. Once I was convinced it wasn’t coming to an end we decided on a course of action that still serves me well today.

Sugar, as most of you probably know can be a trigger for anxiety. It messes with your gut, which messes with your mind. It had to go from my life. It’s hard to say no to all that delicious, sugary, sweet food, believe me, I know. When I would get anxious I would devour an entire bag of candy. The more I ate the more I wanted, so the more anxious I became. I could never break the cycle. Removing sugar had a profound effect on my overall wellbeing. Most of us Anxious types produce a lot of negative energy, that horrible titchy feeling when you need to move or feel like something is coming? It needs to be re-directed and expelled so it doesn’t consume you. My doctor said to me some people need to exercise every single day. I am one of those people. I do CrossFit five days a week. It refocuses the negative thoughts and those feelings of impending doom on something that is far better for me than obsessive worry. By the end I feel exhausted, but content. If I can’t get to CrossFit I try and go for a run or walk the dog. I’ve always been active but having a consistent routine really helps keep the anxiety at bay.

Today I feel like me and anxiety live together in sweet harmony. With the help of a super rational husband, changes to my diet and frequent exercise I’m able to keep my anxiety in a tolerable state.

“We must suffer alone. But we can at least hold out our arms to our similarly tortured, fractured, and above all else anxious neighbours, as if to say in the kindest way possible, I know.” (Sarah Wilson, Author of New York Times bestselling book: First we make the beast beautiful).

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C’mon Baby Light My Fire

I’ve been a little off the game lately with the move and haven’t been creating as much art as i should be. Here are a few Spark posts I’ve done since December/Christmas time. I was recently granted a Spark VIP pass to have access to Beta stuff and other features so that’s pretty cool! In other news – my BFF and love is coming to see me at the end of April and I hope I hope I hope that the weather holds up for us to have some fun and explore the area. I’m hoping for nice weather and sunshine so she can see the mountain.

Enjoy some photos I did and let me know what you think!

xoxo

Koral Dawn

Spring and Fall

Summer is here already, it’s hot and it’s melting everything, even me. I was never really a fan of summer. I always lived for fall and spring when the temperature was just right during the day and then it was the perfect hoodie weather for the nighttime in order to snuggle up to that person you love most. Summer… it just isn’t my thing. When I was younger we would all sit around the fire at my mom’s house and relax and tell jokes and think ahead to the future and what it will be like. Now, it’s here. 10 years ago I was in high school sitting there thinking, “Man, where am I going to be in 10 years?” I can’t believe it’s been that long in the first place. Never in a million years did I think I’d end up here and where I am today. I miss the late nights worrying that a cop was going to drive by and see a bunch of high school kids out drinking around a fire when in fact we weren’t at all.
I miss the couple years that followed that where we were all about self-discovery and finding out what we were all meant for in the fall when we went to college. I miss that feeling of possibly losing my friends due to college. It’s a funny thing to miss, I know, but I feel like I don’t have that now. I don’t have that fear that I’ll lose anyone because I don’t have many people to lose. They’ve all left, and I know who my actual friends are regardless of how much we talk and do anything together. They could be miles away, starting a life, and they’ll still be there if I need to talk to someone. It’s those that stick around that matter really.
But, nonetheless, I do miss that feeling of wonder and where I’m going to wind up. In a sense, I’m starting to feel it now, again. I miss the distance of friends and being able to walk to them in my small 2 square mile town of South River. I miss texting them or calling them and saying hey, want to meet up at the park and walk around and do nothing? Want to go to the Skate Park and hangout and watch the cute guys for a while and then get ice cream? Life was simple back then. No husbands, boyfriends really, or children to worry about to get in the way. Now, it’s more along the lines of “Oh I need to find a baby sitter.” Or “I’m busy with work most of the weekend and looking for a house with my boyfriend.” Or something of the like. Now, it’s all about life, and how we should have kept in touch to see what kind of other friendship it would bring us. Granted I didn’t have many friends and I don’t have many left from that small town where everyone knew my name, but it was, at that time, the best time of my life. When I up and left to PA, I lost contact with those “friends” because I was out of sight and out of mind to them and nothing mattered it seemed. Yeah, I’ve reached out to them occasionally from time to time, but it was always a one sided conversation of “Hey how are you? What’s up with life?” and that’s really it. I guess when you drift from a place and you don’t try to reconnect with it, then you’re left out in the dust.
There’s this song that comes to mind, one I listen to regularly actually. I’m not going to mention its name right now, but in time, you’ll see what it means to me. You’ll think I’m strange and wonder how it relates to my life back home… But I promise you it does. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and visit old me. I would tell myself to make sure they don’t abandon you like they already have (my friends I mean) but then the other half of me is telling me “you found your true friends and they’re still living their same life that they were back in the day when you were still around. You’ve moved on and have a better life while they’re still living at home and away from all of that. You’re the better person and you always will be for doing what you want. They’re your age and still doing the same things as 10 years ago.” Under no circumstances do I feel sorry for the life I led and lead currently even though there were hard times and money issues.. I would have avoided the issue should I have stayed at home like the others… but then I would have ended up here with more life that them and I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend or past boyfriends either. I’m satisfied with what happened to me and the timing it did. Maybe I can reconnect with them at some point when they actually start to lead their own lives… but until then and until they understand how life truly is without parents or something to lean on… maybe now isn’t the best time.
I don’t know why this makes me think of summer… or even spring and fall. But I know it’s something I miss and something I’ll always miss; even those cold winters trying to walk to and from school because I wanted to get some exercise in at the time. It was always snowing and a mess out there… I figured I could walk a mile and a half in it. And most days I prospered in that feat. It’s those silly things I miss. And it all makes me think of the seasons changing and where I am today. I wouldn’t be me short of all of this and I wouldn’t be here at all if things were different.

My Perfect Day

 What does your perfect day consist of? Does it include spending a day at the beach with all your friends? Maybe a night out on the town – but a town that you don’t know? Maybe it’s sitting home all day watching the rain fall outside by your big open bay window at the top of a NYC apartment building. Are you extravagant or conservative in what you think your perfect day would be? Maybe your perfect day is driving out to the middle of nowhere, with someone you love – camera in hand – and blankets galore because you know it’ll be cold and a bunch of lights for the back of the pickup truck so you can have a romantic night of watching the stars and taking astrophotography. Yeah, maybe that’s it… But there would have to be a lot of snuggles and a place with absolutely no lights. Maybe you live in the deserts of Nevada or Arizona and you can do this frequently. Maybe it’s just an idea in your head you’ve been dreaming of for quite a few years now but somehow it’s never happened.

My perfect day would end just like that. But I’ll take you through the entire day from point A when I wake up to the end of the night. I wake up at home, cuddled in bed with my kitties with the sound of birds waking me up from the sun shining outside. I roll over and hit the alarm – mind you, it’s about 8 am on a Saturday and we have a whole day planned – and look at the ceiling for some time while trying to make sure I have a clear head. Romeow will come up and sit on my chest and make his presence known, of course, while Moo will jump down off the bed to get ready to be let out of the room from a good night’s sleep curled up next to me. I’ll get some claws to the chest from Romeow and I’ll eventually push him off me to get up out of bed after looking at my phone to see what the weather will be. Perfect – another gorgeous day here in sunny Arizona with a high of 90 and no rain in the forecast.

I jump out of bed and put my robe on because while it’s hot outside, I always have a fan on in my room for air circulation. I can’t sleep without one, or some type of noise to put me to sleep. I wander over to the shower and turn it on for a nice hot bath filled with peppermint oils and sugar scrubs. I hear my phone go off in my pocket – “Good morning, honey bunnyyy.” It says to me. An instant smile appears on my face. I reply, “Good morning pumpkinnnn.” Which is our standard good morning these days for each other. “I’ll be home from work soon, I only had to go in for a couple hours in the early morning and then we can have our day of fun like I promised. Make sure you’re dressed and ready to go!” I jump in the shower and wash up, scrub scrub scrub, rinse, hair flip. By now it’s about 8:45 in the morning and the sun is in full force outside.

I go back to the bedroom and pull my sundress out of the closet that I love wearing now. I think I’ll wear this today, I murmur to the cats. Get my new sandals out of the closet I bought the other day on clearance. They go with everything and always look good, even with my fat feet. I throw the essentials on, then the dress and shoes and then start to put on my makeup. I don’t go too heavy on the makeup these days but I do need something on the eyes or else I look so sleepy and lifeless. As I finish putting the makeup on, I hear the front door open and he’s standing there with a bunch of flowers he picked on his way home. He gives me a peck on the forehead and shoves the flowers up my nose, like he always does. “These looked pretty!” he says to me. “Aww, thanks dear, I’ll go put these in water in the kitchen so they don’t wilt.” I go to the living room to put them in and he goes to the bathroom to shower from a few hours of construction work that he did in the wee hours of the morning.

By now it’s about 9:30 in the morning maybe closer to 10 AM, but that’s okay. He’s finally home and we can have a fun relaxing day together since he’s been working so much overnights covering for people on vacation at the job site. I hang my robe up and he takes a quick shower and get dressed. I give the cats some treats and make sure the back porch is locked and we head out to the car. “What did you have in mind?” I asked him. “You’ll see.” He says with a tiny smile. He starts rummaging around in the kitchen and putting something together and immediately brings it out to the car. “You have your camera, right? Bring it.” Now I’m starting to wonder what he’s up to. We get into the car and I see the back piled with a basket and a bunch of blankets and another bag, but I don’t want to snoop around because… I don’t want to ruin the surprise.

Our first stop happens to be a local diner to get some French toast he’s been begging for – I’d say he’s been begging me for them now for about a month or two and we have yet to have time to do anything together and get them. He works nights sometimes now and other times it’s during the day while I’m at work also. We planned this day to spend together – and to make it cheap since we’re not the wealthiest of couples just yet. We had moved not too long ago to Arizona to start over and start a new life somewhere that wasn’t in a cold dreary, depressing climate. It’s only been a few months but so far, it’s so much better than I could have ever imagined, like I am right now. The French toast came out warm and delicious and we dug in without saying a word. We were in heaven. It’s been so long since we’ve had diner food and that’s what today included as a treat to both of us. While eating, we discussed what it is we wanted to do for dinner and lunches for the next work week since I take care of most of that. Well, for lunches anyway. I always pack him his favorite, along with a little note saying how much I love him, in my clichéd, irregular ways that I do show him. He will usually cook dinners if he’s home for the night and doesn’t need to sleep. I love when he cooks – it’s much better than mine and I’ll let him have at it if he wants to.

I want to say it’s about 11:30, close to noon now since we talked a bit and enjoyed food together. I have no idea what he has planned next for us on this day. We pay and head over to the car. “We need to stop for gas, I think.” Now I start wondering what he has planned since we almost do have a full tank. Where is he taking me?! I silently wonder what’s going on in his head as we stop for gas. He turns to me after filling up and we’re getting ready to head off “You ready?” He says with a tiny grin/ “I’m always ready, though I’m not sure what you have in mind, so yes!” I reply. “How long of a drive do we have since you needed to fill up?” “You’ll see.’

About 2 hours into the trip, we stop at the last stop before the highway ends. “Make sure you use the bathroom.” He says to me. I now have an idea of where we’re going, but I just don’t know yet for sure what he’s got planned there. We’re headed dead on to the Grand Canyon, my favorite place to be on a nice day like this. I hardly come here because it’s so far away to come daily, but it’s nice to know it’s there if I wanted a day trip. He goes into the gas station, picks up a couple drinks and more ice for whatever he has packed and matches. “Matches?” “Stop questioning everything! You keep asking I’m going to use these on you!” That’s normal banter between us, it’s been years.

Shortly after pulling away from the gas station, we go straight to the Canyon. Hmm, I was right. Before reaching the tourist points, we make a turn and go to another part of the Canyon where there are less people and a better view. As much as I love Canyon West, I’d like to see some other parts of it as well. Today was that day, finally! Another hour into the trip and the high sun is now on the other side of us and we’re slowing down and turning into this small parking area that looks like an old rest stop that was torn down – and there are a few cars in the lot. In front of us I see mountains of red rock and an open space with cactus and nothing else. We park and he goes into the back and says, “Come with me.” Grabbing my hand we take a short walk to get in front of this huge red rock structure and in front of it there’s a picnic set up already there. “How did this get here?!” “I had a friend from work come up here to get all of this together; he’s actually over there with his wife now,” as he waves to someone else near another car who looks like they’re about to head off after finishing their picnic themselves.

He brings out two subs that he bought on the way home from work that morning from the 24 hour deli/grocery that we have near the home, and a bottle of wine to share. The most beautiful tapestry is set out to sit on and I almost don’t want to sit on it because it’s too nice. It’s turquoise and yellow and contrasts with the desert ground almost perfectly. It looks like something out of a catalog, and honestly, it probably was. “Wait!” I tell him. “I want to take a picture first!” “I knew you’d want to, haha.” I grab my camera out of the bag and take a few shots and then I let him sit down to eat. While all of this is happening, I forgot to mention that there’s an exquisite view in front of us off the edge of the Canyon. The sun is still out so we’ve made a makeshift shade from two sticks and another blanket he brought with him in the back of the car. I give him a huge kiss and we start to enjoy the subs for dinner and open the wine for me. There’s strawberries for dessert and obviously cookies. I start to get creative with the photos and take some of the strawberries with the Canyon as the background and the incredible view that we have. It’s only necessary of course.

There’s a few people roaming around the area we’re in doing the same thing – enjoying the view with their cameras and some have kids with them who are running all over and I’m afraid they’re going to go over the edge if they get too close or miss a step – so I yell to the kids to be careful and the parents look up from what they were taking a photo of and scold the kids a little bit then return to what they were doing. Next thing I know one of the children fell and I go over to help him up (he’s about 8years old) and see if he’s okay. As I reach him, he turns to me and says “Oh Lady, I’m okay. But I think that guy over there needs you.” With a huge grin on his face, he points over to where we were sitting on the blanket.

I turn around and see him, lo and behold, on one knee, holding the ring I’ve had my eye on since I was 16 years old in a box open in front of me. “I know we’re a little far from where I wanted to originally do this… But yeah… will you marry me?” And all of a sudden I knew what happened. Those people roaming around were all people he know from work who were in on it, the people who had their cameras out were there to capture the moment and the kid was the distraction he needed to be able to set this up. Through tears and bliss, “Well of course yes, DUH!” I knew today was going to be special because he’s been different for a few weeks now and I thought it was something that I had done, never in a million years was I expecting this day to turn into this – I thought we were just going on an adventure together for the day and taking photos.

After all the excitement was over, and I went over to his friends to see the photos they took of us (of course I had to..) we returned to our little picnic together and cuddled for a while on the blanket looking at the view we had. “I have one more surprise for you.” He tells me. “But we need to drive a little bit for it so you can get the full effect of what you wanted.” How could this day get any better, seriously? We packed up the car, me grinning the whole time. It’s later in the afternoon now and the sun will be about to go down shortly. We drive a few more miles up the road to a more open area with an even better view of the whole Canyon in front of us with the sunset dead ahead. He opens the back of the car and lays out the blankets he put in there with one fuzzy one for us to snuggle up in together and then plugs in some decorating lights in the shape of hearts along the back of the car. “This is for you so you can get the photo you’ve always wanted of the sunset and Canyon. I added the accents for you because I know you’ll want one of us laying in the car like you always talk about.” Seriously, do I have the best fiancé or what? He gets me, and he knows I’ve been trying to get this shot for so long now.

And it’s just perfect.

This day was perfect.

A Favor House Atlantic

Your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could recall the moments that once have.
Retract the footsteps that brought us to this favor I wouldn’t ask this of you.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, so much going on and so much I need to sort out. Time’s coming up as to when I won’t have a job and I need to really crunch on applying and trying to find one for when I come back from Vegas. I hope NJ will grant me unemployment though or I won’t make it very long at all without it and I’ll probably have to sell everything or move back to NJ and I don’t want to do that. Things are going okay here for once and I don’t want to give that up. Maybe I’ll just move halfway across the world or state and rule out going home and being homeless. I’ll go out to Cali like everyone else does. But then I have the cats to worry about too so I don’t know how that will go for them. Everything all up in the air and I’m kind of stressed about it myself. I don’t know what to do. I can’t ask for more money off Nana and Poppop, they give me too much already and I feel like a failure because I can’t even support myself. I might just have to take in a roommate or something so me and Emle can make it work somehow in the winter.

I think work is getting to me. I’ve been doing what I need to do but I think just like everyone else at the company, I’m slowing down. And I’m only a temp. Some of the people there have been there for 15-20 years like my mom, and I can only imagine how they feel. They’re a great company, it just sucks to see this location go under and make everyone move to MA if they want to still have a job. I’m tempted to apply there to see if there’s anything good there that I would be great for without having to go back to school or something like that. I applied for a job here in PA but haven’t gotten a call back or anything, but there’s only one position available not multiple like I’m used to applying for. I want to actually be selected by someone because I strike them as a great worker. And I think I’d be perfect for this place I applied for and they’re hiring right at the time I’m looking for… so it’s silly of them not to pick me especially since I’m used to working with computers. Just, give me luck please. I know I’m a great pick for alot of companies. They just have to see it for themselves.

Short post, but another later tonight. I just felt like I had to get some stuff out before I exploded. Next post will have new pics in it that I’ve been taking recently with my new phone. More on that later also.

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If I Had My Own World…

I’d build you an empire. From here to the far lands -To spread love like violence. Let me feel you, carry you higher. Watch our words spread hope like fire… Secret crowds rise up and gather – Hear your voices sing back louder. ❤

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday. I’m calling myself half dead, because 50 seems like too many years to live I think. And if I’m not half dead, well then I guess people are going to have to deal with me just a bit longer then right? Tomorrow should be filled with fun and awesome and things to do because it’s my big 25. You only turn 25 once, and I think that’s a milestone in my opinion. Lately, I’ve been happy and doing alot of things that make me feel awesome, and with tomorrow being my birthday, I should still feel that way. … so why don’t I?

I paid my bills, I fed myself, I’ve fed my kitties and even cleaned the house majorly yesterday and did laundry all day because it had to be done. I’ve been listening to Angels and Airwaves all day (yesterday and today) and I almost forgot how much I love these guys and how much I can relate to alot of their lyrics. I don’t know why I’m not feeling happy these last couple days to be honest. Maybe it’s because alot of family couldn’t be at my birthday at mom’s and the fact that they won’t come see me in PA at all? Maybe it’s because I’m sleeping terrible at night again for no reason? Maybe it’s because I haven’t had that awesome connection with someone that I really want.

Maybe, it’s because I do everything for everyone and not many people can do a simple thing for me like even travel out to PA to visit me or even send a simple message of “hey how are you, how’s things going for you out there?” I’m tired of telling everyone when I’ll be back in NJ to go to mom’s house because no one even cares all too much about me being there anyway (friend wise) and the only people I really care to see are my grandparents right now. Everyone keeps telling to move back to NJ and live there. No. Why would I go back to NJ and have you all talk to me again since I’m there? I’m not out of sight out of mind here, I’m only a 2 hour drive away and you people can’t even make that small trip to see me here, why do I need to move back there? Because it’s a convenience for you? You’re not a friend, you just someone who doesn’t care and I’m not subjecting myself to fake friends anymore. I actually have people here in PA that care about me, or so I’d like to think that, and I’m not moving back to a place that could care less even when I come every damn week to visit.

On another note, I don’t know what I’m doing for my birthday tomorrow yet except getting my nails done with two girl friends in the morning. I hope I go tonight to get my mattress instead of cramming everything in in the morning. I don’t feel like getting up super duper early and running up to Sams Club at 9am to drag a mattress inside my apartment and then deciding what to do with the old one. That’s going to be interesting, unless I try and sell it tonight if I get the new one tonight. We’ll see what happens though. I’m hoping it’s tonight so I can enjoy a good night’s sleep for my birthday.

I think I should go see a movie tonight and take myself on a date because… everyone else is busy and I’d prefer to go alone anyway I think. Since I just found out I’m not getting my mattress tonight but rather tomorrow morning, I have some time to kill and I don’t feel like sitting home alone bored on the eve of my birthday. That’s just stupid. No one is ever around on Fridays and I’m always bored and have nothing to do, lol. And now that it’s my birthday, I don’t know what to do tonight, so I guess movie it is. I’ll treat myself to some fat food too and be happy and ignore people for a couple hours.

I’m off to shower and going to braid my hair so it can curl and look weird. It’s long enough and I don’t know how to use a curling iron, lol and I’m too lazy to YouTube anything right now. I don’t even think I know where my curling iron is at the moment… oops. I’m such a terrible girly girl. I should really take some lessons.

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Audience of One

Good evening everyone!

It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting at home still in clothes sitting at my computer, rather, staring at it to give me some inspiration for doing some art, and so far, I have come up with nothing. I should probably do some work today to make some money but I’m honestly quite lazy right now and don’t feel like doing anything at the moment. My creativity has come to a halt and I don’t know why or what’s happened lately. I need to get out and do some photos or something but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I decided to make a new blog signature and even that took me about a half hour of just playing around in Photoshop, but I think I’ve finally settled on something. What do you guys think? It’s nothing special really, but I couldn’t figure out which graphic to use for it and then remembered I had an awesome Raven to use and there it is. Thoughts? Anyone? Bueler?

Anyway, there’s nothing really new going on I need to talk about these days except I’ve been a little bit better for some reason. Still lonely, yes, because I come home every night alone but hey, there are alot of people out there that come home alone every night and they’re fine, right? I’m just one of those people now, lol. I wish I had someone to come home to every night, but I just have cats, and I think i’s going to stay like that for a very long time sadly. I’ve always told myself I was better off alone anyway, but you know what, I do get lonely too you know. Sometimes I just need a damn cuddle or something lol. Yeah, good luck with that one anymore though I usually say to myself.

On to more pressing things, my birthday is in 21 days, and I’m kind of excited! I’m turning 25… a quarter of a century old, and man do I feel it. In my mind I think I’m still young… I want to think I’m still young, but I only give myself till 50, so technically I’m half dead at this point come September 19. I need a mid life crisis I think if that’s the case. Before I die though, I need to get the one car I’ve wanted for ever… a Mustang. Yeah yeah yeah, I know not everyone likes them and people that drive them are all assholes according to some people but whatever. I’ve always wanted one, and before I die, I will get one, somehow. I want a newer one though, 2015 or 2016 model. You know, the one that looks like a Nissan squished out a Mustang logo and called it a new Mustang… yeah that one. I think they’re gorgeous. And let’s face it, I’ll never own a McLaren or Bugatti that I want so I better settle for something atleast remotely reasonable.

I think I’m going to actually go and get some Oreos and Milk and relax on the couch since I don’t do that much anymore. I don’t know why I’m telling you this but whatever. This is my rant for the night since I have nothing else to say right now. More later or another day when I’m feeling more energetic.