Tag Archives: babies

The Story of a Grieving Journey – Tiffany South

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 My Name is Tiffany, I’m honored to have this opportunity to be a guest here. I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and depression, which stems from losing my 2 sons. Here’s a little backstory.

I had my first baby in 2008. After a very long stressful pregnancy in and out of hospitals, bed rest, etc. I had my baby boy in 2008. Peyton, he was born very, very sick and there was no treatment for his condition. We got to bring him home after him being in the NICU for 3 days after they had run various tests on him as soon as he was delivered via cesarean section. He was with us for 10 days, 7 days at home before he passed away in my arms.

Babyless… But I’m a mom, I need my baby…  How do I go on!?!?

I didn’t want to go on! My arms ached for my baby boy. In 2009 we decided it was time to have another baby. We did but, this time….. twins.

Yes, twins this is the start of Happy and sad!?!
HAPPY AND SAD

Everyone kept saying to me aww.. you’re going to have your family now,  seriously….ok maybe they meant well, but it was very painful to listen to them.

BUT I WAS ALREADY A MAMA

A mama with no baby… the cradle was empty. A bedroom filled with baby decor, baby clothes and well the JCPenney theme teddy bear set I just had to have. A room filled with hopefulness and filled with all the love in the world. The bedroom door now shut! Why? Well because I couldn’t bear to look at the empty room. The room that should have new life, a little boy napping or him, needing me for a feeding.

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LIFE AND TWINS

Short story After yet another long stressful pregnancy in and out of hospitals…being in the hospital for one month straight. One of my twins died after 21 days his name was Brenden and his twin, my daughter. I named her Emmah. Brenden, like Peyton, got to come home also and died in our arms.

GRIEVING

After this time we felt like we didn’t have much time to grieve. With a newborn baby girl, we decided the best thing to do was to concentrate on our family to make our way through a difficult time. About a year passed and I made the decision to start my own business. I began an In-Home child care business so I could keep my daughter home with me.

During this year my husband and I began to notice changes in our anxiety and attitude. My husband spent a lot of time in bed when he was off, and I began to have a lot of anxiety when performing tasks like driving. We decided to seek help and attend group therapy for grieving and saw a counselor for about 5 sessions.  We began to feel better after the sessions and decided we could handle it on our own from now on.

What we didn’t know or maybe knew but ignored was that we were far from better.  As the years went on we both began to deteriorate. My husband once again began to withdraw from us on his days off. Staying in bed and not being active around the house. He would still play and take care of our daughter but he was not the same fun-loving guy I married.

I began to notice my anxiety grow when it came to driving. Having panic attacks while even driving a short distance. Also, I began to notice I felt more irritable and angry. I felt my anxiety going up over things that normally wouldn’t be a big deal to me in the past. It got to the point where my husband came to me and said he couldn’t live like this anymore due to his rising anxiety attacks.

We never once gave up on each other and when my husband came to me, I was hesitant at first because what I didn’t see then but know now is, I was scared to face and relive the trauma again!  I didn’t realize this at the time but this was the reason we were deteriorating. We began therapy again in 2015 and this is when we were both diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder on top of our depression.

We were both put on medication which made a huge difference for us also continuing with therapy. The more we have learned about our disorder the more we have realized that it had been a serious problem for years that we had ignored.  Our bodies were trying to tell us that we needed help in dealing with our trauma but we would not listen. We continued to fool ourselves into thinking we could handle it without help.

We have become good at watching each other for the symptoms knowing that is a sign to either adjust our medication (which I have just recently changed) or talking about what we are feeling. At one point I felt myself slipping back into depression. Things were not bringing me happiness as before, I was feeling overwhelmed and working in my daycare for 12 hours a day at 5 days a week so 60 plus hours a week. I have recently shortened my hours. I have turned Families away that need longer hours. I HAVE to think of my happiness first and also my families.

Around this time is when I began my blog about homeschooling my daughter. It has been great therapy for me to share my story, our homeschooling Journey and hopefully help others along the way. My husband and I will always work as a team. Through thick and thin, happiness and sadness. We call ourselves Team South!!

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my story, I know how precious your time is.

You will Always be in your Hearts

Endnotes:

Pay attention to your body.  It will tell you when something is wrong.  DO NOT be afraid to ask for help. We have learned over the years that everyone grieves differently. Reach out to a family member, a friend, or a licensed counselor.

You don’t need for it to be a public matter If you don’t want it to be. which is something at first I struggled with. Only very close family members knew and one of my best friends. It’s not anything to be ashamed about but I choose to keep it private.

I’m on medication for my depression and anxiety disorder but I did this for myself to help my life and how I feel and cope. Most people will not have to live this trauma of losing a child let alone two children but whatever you face in life don’t ever hesitate to reach out to someone. Your life is worth living and to live it healthy and happy.

Christmas Cruise

I want to give a big thank you to Tiffany for sharing her story with us on the Unsanity Blog. It take a lot of strength, courage and being honest with yourself to share such a story and I’m happy to have her as my guest this week. You can find her at the links below if you want to read more of her writing and what she does with her blog.

Tiffany South @ https://royalhomeschoolmomblog.com

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When The Warm Wind Comes Again

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My beloved do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily- How can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours? I’m still proud of what we were; no pain remains no feelings – eternity awaits. Grant me wings that I may fly.

Back at Barnes and Nobles again on a Friday night because I have no life and it gets me out of the house for the moment. I’m still listening to the same album from yesterday unfortunately. It soothes me and makes me feel happy to some extent; even though half of it makes me want to cry half the time because of the lyrics.. isn’t it obvious? They’re meaningful and I can relate to them a lot. (If you’re confused as to which album it is, it’s VNV Nation with the Babelsberg Film Orchestra – Resonance. I love orchestral pieces, and would like to go see another soon. I need to find me someone who wants to go to Broadway with me and see some plays. I tree up roaming the city and I miss it. I wish I could live there and work there. I’d make a perfect New Yorker in my opinion. I love people and I love the city. Too bad it’s so damn expensive. Maybe now that I no longer have to rely on someone and can do what my brain wants for once, I can try to look for a job in the city and move there and finally do what I want to do. That’s just a thought. Any city really… but New York is ideal for me since I can always take a train home and leave my car with mom.. that’s what I wanted to do from the start but it never got to that point and then things shifted and I moved to PA. Not saying I regret that at all.. I’ve met all the people I know today by moving here and giving up all those fake friends in NJ.. I’m glad I was able to move to a place outside my comfort zone – I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m kind of shoved in a corner right now at Barnes and Nobles – I’ve made my nest and there are people all around me. I’m glad I’ve got my headphones on though – it drowns out het they’re saying because they’re disturbing my mental ability to put words together here for this post. There are definitely more people here than last night – and now there’s a baby crying next to me… Help. No bueno, no babies. Ugh. No wonder I never want any kids. I can’t even stand other peoples… unless I can give them back at the end of the day. I love them… when they’re not mine to take home. And for some reason they love me. I worked at a day camp for years, and I loved all the kids there but I would never never in a million years take any of them home with me or want to. They were the brattiest most annoying children ever with hardly any supervision. Every now and then you’d get a good kid who was quiet and not annoying at all and then hope seemed to be restored. But then – demon child from hell. Not something I wanted to deal with when taking them home. I’ve known for awhile now I never want children. And I was lucky enough to find someone who didn’t want them either.. now that they’re gone, I feel its going to be hard to find someone else that never wants children either. And truthfully does not want any, not just because they love me; but because that’s what they want as well.

I’ve moved now to my bed and have stopped writing for the night. It’s now Sunday night and 8pm. I’m sitting in bed doing nothing but this and Friends on TV. Romeo is sitting here staring at me, Moomoo is sleeping on my purse that’s on my bed. Tonight’s hard for me. He admitted he missed me and loved me, which is great.. but still refuses to act like a human adult and talk about problems and work on what we have. I want to know if I’m wasting my time. I don’t like wasting my time on things that will go nowhere. I have a life to live and I can’t keep putting my life on hold for everyone and everything. If nothing is better by April, I am then looking to move to another state again and start over and cut ties to everyone and everything.. I’ve thought about this recently more than I’d like to, but I think sometimes you just need to pick up and leave and not look back. Those that miss you will let you know and be there for you and those that don’t will show it by not making themselves present at all in your life. I already found out who my friends were once, I guess I’ll find that out again if I leave this area. I’ve not much left to give and I’m tired of wasting my time. Once my lease is up, over the summer maybe, and I can save up some money maybe.. I can leave and move on finally.

I shouldn’t be feeling like shit all the time; and I deserve to live. After all, I’m only 26 and I want to travel. Granted I don’t have much money but I want to be able to go where I want. I’ve thought about buying or renting an RV, packing up life and getting rid of everything I own and travel cross country with the Meows and see what happens. I wish I could just get up and leave and go somewhere far away like my friend Jessica did. She moved from Seattle to Australia and has been traveling ever since and I envy her so much. She is truly living life the way I want to I just don’t have the financial means and I will never give up my Meows for anything. They are what’s been holding me back from a lot- they are the glue that makes me sane and hold my head together. I’d be even more miserable without them. More and more I think about leaving and traveling.. it becomes the first thing in my mind when I wake up every day. Thinking – I just want to leave everything and not have to deal with anything ever again. I would worry about me myself and I .. and the meows because meow. Maybe one day – I just hope I’m not too old to handle myself. I want to do it young; and I wouldn’t mind having someone come with me.

Your hearts were never made of stone. Rise up you earth bound demons; rise up before me now and fight. Your time has finally come. Take me back before the years and memories … before the hourglass has drained; before the colors start to fade.