Tag Archives: bad

I Am The Wind

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“When you’re dumb enough for long enough, you’re gonna meet someone too smart to love you, and they’re gonna love you anyway, and it’s gonna go so poorly.” – Neil Hilborn, Ballad of the Bruised Lung

Been awhile, life’s been crazy. I’ve been trying to find the time to keep writing but I just haven’t had any. I mean I have, but I’ve had no ideas really to make me want to write anything substantial in my opinion. It’s been a blur to be honest, I can’t believe a year has almost gone by since myself and guy started dating again.. and it makes me feel semi good, that I can make it better than the last time we dated since we both effed up the last time and several times after that. Seems like we can’t just get it right.. Maybe this time won’t be so bad… here’s to hoping!

I’ve taken some photos recently, with guy’s other camera the Sony a6000 and I like it. But I only like it with the 90mm Macro since it’s amazing. I kind of want it. But there’s no way I can afford the lenses for it. Yes, I can borrow his, but what’s that going to do for me should something happen with myself and him. I will never give up my Canon camera for something else. I would only add to it. I plan on trying to start a collection of some sorts and when I finally get a home, I will have a camera closet for all my things.

Here are a few shots of the Sony a6000 that I took just yesterday around Nanticoke, PA. 

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When you’re tired of waiting and time is not on your side
When you’re tired of hating me, you no longer want to hide

It’s time for another session of relaxation and tea bath before my roommates get home and take their long shower. I’ve been thankful enough to get to take some nice showers lately thankfully, and it’s helping my mood a lot surprisingly. *hand clap* Off I go because then I’m going to sleep forever tonight, maybe I’ll put my hair in curlers again. We’ll see since it seems to poof then I use them, lol!

Cheers,

xoxox

Give Me These Moments Back

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It’s about 10PM on a Thursday night. I’m sitting on the couch on my laptop for once updating it finally and I have nothing to do. I have racked my brain for this entire week with job applications, interviews, and other things, and I need a break. I think my brain may explode if I do anything else today. I haven’t been able to sleep much recently either. I’m exhausted, but can’t fall asleep. Strange thing, you know, life? People float in and out of your life at the most random times and tonight, I’m seeing alot of that from everyone I associate with. One night they’re there to talk to, and open up to me, and the next they completely disappear for hours on end and don’t say a word. Well, my days go on and on without you here my dear.

Sometimes, I feel like just taking a bow and leaving everything behind and running away. Only sometimes though. Just me and the kitties and whatever money I have left and leaving or selling everything I own for more cash… and just going. It seems like a valuable option because at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. I don’t think I have much left here except a few people that I’d like to be around for a long time to come. And I highly doubt the one person I want to come with me will… but I’m not sure. I haven’t asked, but I’m certain the answer would be no or “good luck” and that’s it. I’m afraid to ask, even though I know we would want to.

I’m really starting to be bummed out about all this shit going on lately. My mind’s on overdrive right now and I’m not sure what to do anymore. Half of me is like eff this I’ll go home, and the other half, if not more, is like hell no, you need to do this the right way and not give up. Well, I’m almost at the point of giving up… and I hate to say that because I’ll be letting alot of people down including myself. I just hope I find a job I like soon. So far, there is nothing, and I can’t afford to live in the city with what I really am good at… Social Media or photography. There are jobs all OVER the place in places such as Dallas and NYC and California… but I can’t just up and leave and go… as much much much as I would. I really would.

I’m listening to Greg Laswell on my phone and man, do I love him. I owe that to Jim and a big thank you to him for introducing me to his music. While it’s sad and depressing it kind of makes me smile when I listen to him too. It’s odd, but I’m not complaining. There’s a quote at the bottom of this of mixed lyrics from him that mean something to me. I’ve been listening to him all night now and I can’t stop. They’re like the new Poets of The Fall for me, and that’s saying something because POTF is my favorite band still to this day and I get laughed at it sometimes for it.

I know this blog is really scatterbrained tonight, but that’s how my mind is alot of the time and I don’t even know how I deal with it sometimes, let alone other people and my close friends. I don’t know how I’m even enjoyable sometimes, to be honest. I’ve been so shitty lately and sad and miserable because of the stupidest things.. and I hate myself for it. Maybe I need to just get up and start one day like it’s going to be the best day ever and see what happens. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. The people I want to be with, don’t want to be with me, and the one I don’t want to be with want’s to be with me. How ironic? I’m not really sure  what to make of anything anymore. I’m so frustrated, and so overwhelmed by everything these days and so stressed out, and I know I really shouldn’t be. I wish I were happier all the time like some people I know around here. Maybe I do need to move and leave everything. Maybe I just need a fresh start. Be farther away from family because well, apparently, I’m not thought of much and when I am, the only people who still seem to care are Poppop and my mom so it would seem. Two is better than none, I’d say though.

Laswell

I might be gone a little while. I guess we’ll see. I have to make a home out of something… I should probably say that I’m unsure why I’m running away from the one thing that I love. Maybe down the road, I’ll see you in a blur.

Cheers,

xoxox

||Koral Dawn||

Quote of The Day – November 13, 2014

Sitting here sick and was browsing the Tumblr and came across a few quotes that I’d like to share with you.
Feeling super alone right now and tired, and not to mention sick with Strep.
I’m about to head to bed because I have work tomorrow but hopefully not all day. I have to go in the office. Working from home is more of a pain in the ass because the receiver quits on you so much. Someone needs to fix that if they expect us to do some things.

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On that note – I’m tired…. literally tired this time. I’ve been feeling disgustingly sick and I can’t eat solid foods yet. This will be interesting for work tomorrow. Not sure what I’ll eat to be honest. But then again I’m not there all day either. Thankfully.

Cheers;
xoxox
||Koral♡Dawn||

Realization, Friendship and Anything In Between

You always told me to “blog about my feelings instead of bitching” well, here you go. 

So going back through whatever happened the last night or two in my head… I don’t know what to think anymore. And if you want listen tome otherwise, maybe you’ll listen here and actually give me an answer. Everyone always winds up leaving me in my life. All my guy friends, all my girl friends… except for maybe three; You, Sam and Vanessa. I guess I never really knew how to be your friend after dating you because there was always room for either error or change, but even maybe hope. I hung on to the fact that we might eventually work out one day… I guess I was wrong. I guess I was too hung up on the fact that I had such strong feelings for you, that maybe one day you’ll return them to me again like it was in the beginning. Again… I guess I was wrong. Last night, alot of things were said to me that hurt my feelings, and of course that’s what’s going to stick out in my mind and be on the top of my head, because I’ve never been called “psychotic” or a “cunt” or even maybe a “bitch” by anyone else, or maybe it’s just because no one else ever had the balls to say it to my face… who knows really anymore.. But more importantly; I was told I was being a bad friend, and that I didn’t know HOW to really be a friend to you. And for that; I’m sorry. You said that I deserve to have that one friend by my side… and I thought  you were going to be and still be that friend to me… that I’m so used to everyone walking away from me that I don’t know what to do when someone actually stays… well you’re right. You finally did it. You decided to actually break me down, in half, and tell me what was wrong with me. I guess I should be thanking you in a way. Because I now know what I have to do to change, or to be “Koral” again as you say. I guess my downfall would be that I am way too nice to everyone and I always get taken advantage of, not just with you, but with everyone. I let them walk all over me; and then when I need help… I don’t get anything in return. I am a doormat for dirty feet who’s there to help but never be helped. While it took me just about an hour to write this because my hand hurts to move much; I’m realizing that maybe I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but that maybe people change and things happen and some people just don’t click well anymore together… I don’t want to be those people anymore. I want to be friends, and I want to be happy. I’m sitting here at work basically bawling my eyes out having everyone wonder what the fuck is wrong with me… That’s not good for work, and it’s not good for me. I haven;t been right in the head since last night. I didn’t expect you to be all cheery and happy 8 hours later; but you didn’t have to go around acting like absolutely nothing happened last night. I didn’t ignore everything you said to me last night, it actually did sink in to me that wow, I really am a shitty friend to you and possibly to some other people.. but then when I ask for what it is I can do… you just yell at me. There has to be something in your head that I can do otherwise you wouldn’t have yelled. If you’re sick of me… then just say it. I won’t be any more hurt than I already am. I know I’m a bad friend to you. I know I’m a bad friend to possibly some others… I’m not used to having “friends” because no one ever stays.

I guess all that’s left is to just… change. Be a good friend, stay out of your life like you want me to, be a normal friend, and not a best friend like you’ve been to me. I’m not a part of your life, atleast that’s what you keep telling me over and over, I’m just a friend. Just. A. Friend. And you know what; I guess I’m okay with that. I need to learn how to be a friend again, and learn how to accept friends and not be such a “bitch.” I guess I just don’t, in the end, want to lose you. You’re one of the only people I have whether you believe that or not… and I can’t lose another person in my life like my dad and rest of family. 

Take this however you want to take it… just know I’m sorry and you don’t deserve how shitty I’ve been.