Tag Archives: best friends

The Late Goodbye

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Picture it: you just got engaged and you’re planning who to be in the wedding with you and stand by your side just like in all aspects in life. You send out your boxes for them to say I do as well. Now, to remind you, these are the four only people over the years that have been there for you and hung out and made sacrifies to be with you and vice versa. Now picture this: only two of them show up. That’s what happened to me, and it turned my wedding planning and day itself into hell. Here is the story of a 14 year old and a 15 year old friendship that disappeared as quickly as you can say I do.

Two of my oldest friends, we’ll call them X and Y for story purposes, skipped out on the most important day of my life after being inseperable for 14 and 15 years.

One of them, we’ll call her X, just never even responded to my inquiry of my proposal box asking her if she’d be in my wedding. Mind you, I had been talking about it since I was engaged, and she knew it was coming all along, then decided to not talk to me for a few weeks, and never got an answer, so I eliminated her because I can’t count on someone when they don’t even appreciate your offer of knowing you were “best friends.” This was the easier of the two, thankfully and unfortunately. I have not spoken to her since either. No messages, no updates, nothing. It’s truly heartbreaking.

The other, she will be Y, bailed the day OF my wedding. Great, right?

The planning was a nightmare from day one. A little back story, I didn’t pick a Maid of Honor for my wedding because it was a small private ceremony with only friends and our mothers and photographers. Y was obviously annoyed I didn’t choose her, however, she was never the one to care about other people before herself, and I knew this when I met her when I was 14 years old. She was fighting on everything I wanted to pick for my wedding (note: MY wedding) even down to the little black shawl I wanted to wear over my dress at the top because my dress was strapless. I have bigger arms, and wanted them to be covered a little. “That glittery shawl doesn’t go and hangs way too low in the back and doesn’t match your hair and what you want to do.” Really? I let it slide.

Planning festivities for the night before – “I don’t want to go bowling, that’s not bachelorette party type stuff!” Okay, so don’t go, but again, repeat, it’s MY wedding and this is what I want to do for my night before and I don’t want to get drunk at all. We can enjoy wine at the hotel (which my two best friends and I did) after the restaurant we went to. “Wait, we’re going to a restaurant? Can my boyfriend come?” My reply to her was simple, stating yes but he needs to sit at the bar because this dinner is for people in the wedding party only and our mothers. No one else is bringing their significant other to this dinner, it’s just going to be us.” Her answer was what really got me: “Oh, well then better make the dinner for 9 people because I’m not letting or making him sit alone.”

Y never showed the next day. She never messaged me. She never was in the party. All because I told her the dinner was for wedding party only and this is what I wanted for my big day.

And this was the day, the day before my wedding, I finally realized that she was never my best friend all along. She was only my friend when it was convenient for her, and fit into her schedule. She had bought the dress, bought items for the night before for the little hotel party we were planning, and all the accessories. And wasted her money because she never showed.

She always put whatever boy she was with first, and never her friends who stood by her side through everything. Since I was 14 years old, we were together daily at camp, and then after camp at her house and on weekends because she lived so close. I will be 30 this year… and it took me 15 years to realize this I guess. Better late than never in my mind, but what a way to make your wedding day alternatitely the best and worst day of your life.

Now, the two girls who took the reins and planned everything with my mom, they’re who are worth fighting for. They are my rock, they are my best friends, and they are the people who are going to be there for me when I need them most – and they have been. Neither of them stopped texting or calling me while I was living across the country for a year and a half like X and Y did, they kept in touch, and wanted to. They are my support system and who I need by my side.

Sometimes it takes an act of disgust, unreliability and pure heartbreak to truly know who your best friends are, and it’s just unfortunate that this had to happen on my wedding day. I will never be sad about losing people that I now know never cared; I will be sad about all the years I wasted thinking they would never break my heart – and my family’s heart as well.

When you lose a best friend, you learn some hard lessons. Like everything and everyone else, people change. My happiness is important to me – it should be to them as well. If this what was supposed to happen, then so be it. Thanks to them, I feel I’m a better person and have a weight lifted off my shoulders I’ve had on there for way too long. I’m not bitter, and I’m not mad – and I won’t ever be for letting go of something that freed my soul.

The devil grins from ear to ear when he sees the hand he’s dealt us. Points at your flaming hair, and then we’re playing hide and seek. I can’t breathe easy here, less our trail’s gone cold behind us. Till’ in the john mirror you stare at yourself grown old and weak; And we keep driving into the night. It’s a late goodbye, such a late goodbye…

Late Goodbye, Poets of the Fall

I Don’t Sugarcoat My Feelings

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I cannot prove to you that real love exists if you don’t want to believe in it. I cannot tear down your wall if you keep on building one brick after the other. I cannot ask you to turn fucked-up to normal, lies to truth, broken promises to future plans, empty kisses to meaningful ones. I cannot ask you to change your old ways for us. I cannot ask you to change for me.
I am the kind of person who wouldn’t let the people that mean the most to me go to bed angry or upset with me because I give a shit. I apologize the instant I realize I was wrong. I will always choose a connection I have with someone over the connection I have with my ego.

I put myself out there and I do it fearlessly. I don’t sugarcoat my feelings. I mean what I say and my words have value. I go after what I want and I go for it a 100%. I am someone you count on in sickness and in health. I am someone who will fight for you and will always remind you of your worth. I am the kind of person who will love you endlessly. I am very simple in my chaos. All I am looking for is a partner, a best friend, a team player.

I’ve got a million and one reasons to walk away from everything and not look back. In the grand scheme of things, I need to take care of myself and myself alone (and of course my kitties as well,  they will never be left out.) I don’t have time to worry about you and what you’re feeling when you have disregarded mine for long enough. But that’s just how you are, and I’m not going to make you change your ways for me. You should want to. If you loved what we were and how we were, you should want to. Not only for you, but for us. There’s a fine line between loving someone and being in love with someone. And to be honest, I’m not sure if you ever did either.

This is something I recently found from Thought Catalog, and it fits perfectly with what I’m going through, how you acted and what you did to me. And I’m not going to sugar coat anything anymore. I know my worth and I know what I deserve and for you to walk away repeatedly like it’s just nothing and keep hurting me is not making you look like the man you so say you are.
I can’t figure out why it’s so hard for me to explain my feelings to you when we’re together. I look at you and I have a million and one thoughts flowing through my head at once. Sometimes I’m yelling at you, other times I’m pleading, however neither of these are vocal, it’s all in my head.

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Dead silence; you can hear me breathing and I look pained, but no matter how many times I try I can’t form words. You ask me if I’m okay, or what’s bothering me and I take the easy way out, I tell you nothing. When in reality it is absolutely everything.

So I need you to read this, and picture me standing in front of you. Picture me looking extremely sad, like this is the hardest thing you’ve seen me have to do. There’s a good chance there would be tears streaming down my face, and I may have some struggles of catching my breath at times but I’d want you to be silent and let me get it all out.

Deep breath… Here it goes.

I am struggling with what has transpired recently between the two of us. I can’t fathom a world that doesn’t have you and I together, but I can’t imagine that I can continue on much longer how we are right now. I’m hurt and you don’t get to say that I’m not. I’m more than hurt; I’m disappointed and heartbroken. You know the shit that I’ve been through with other males in my life and yet you still managed to dig your own knife into my heart.

You’ve made me cry. Repeatedly, over and over again. I’m tired of crying. I don’t know how there are still tears left. Yet, I stick around. And why do I do this when you have clearly told me over and over that you don’t want to get back together, that you can’t give me what I want, that you don’t want the same things that I want?

Bullshit. Your words are all bullshit.

It isn’t fair that you can get the benefits of talking and seeing me without having to commit to me. To be able to say the things you say and think it’s okay to get away with it. You get to act like this single bachelor with no worries and no cares, yet keep stringing me along as well. How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you are tearing apart probably the one girl who has actually truly had feelings for you. Does it bother you at all that you had finally found a girl who wasn’t like the rest of the ones who have been in your life?

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. I am so sorry that there are girls out there who decided to take advantage of the wonderful man I fell in love with and caused you to put up this barrier around your heart. I’m sorry you don’t think you deserve the kind of love that I’m willing to give you. I can’t begin to understand how you feel and I won’t even pretend that I do. I have always said I’d stand beside you though no matter what and listen when you needed someone in your corner.

It isn’t fair, however, for you to compare me to anyone else. I’m not them and I will never be them. I am 100x a better woman than they will ever be. I didn’t come into this to screw with your emotions or break your heart. If anything I’m the girl that wanted to help heal those wounds.

I want to believe you’re better then the rest of them, but your actions and how you treat me make you just like them. I feel like I’m not good enough, like there is something severely wrong with me. You make me feel that way. You make me judge myself and bring myself down.

You make me feel used, like an object and that is not okay. I am a person, a real human with feelings, a lot of them damnit and you just brush them off. Come to think about it, you’re not the guy who I started to fall in love with. That guy wouldn’t treat me this way. He wouldn’t be okay with the fact that I’m upset, and that he caused a frown instead of a smile. He wouldn’t say things that are rude or disrespectful because he knew how to treat a lady. The guy I’m looking at right now is just a shell of the man I thought I knew. Personally I think it’s all an act, to shield yourself from feeling anything, from opening yourself up to the possibility of love and the small chance of getting hurt.

I want to scream at you, shake you, strangle you and kiss you all at the same time. I want to force you to look in me in the eyes while I’m crying my heart out to you and force you to tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me. I won’t though, because I shouldn’t have to beg you to want me.

You should want to be with me because I was, and am, good for you. But not just when it’s convenient for you. You should try and love me and you should want to because I’m pretty freaking amazing is what I would say; you won’t find another girl like me I can guarantee that.

As I’d walk away from you I’d secretly be hoping that you would reach for me, tell me to stay but I know you and I know that’s wishful thinking.

So if you read this I hope it hits you hard, in the gut, and with all the feels. With the reality that the girl who cared the most about you, would have done anything for you and valued your opinion is gone. Everything will have gone silent and you will be left alone, just like you continuously tell me you want to be. Though you won’t chase after me then, you’ll look for me eventually. Something will trigger a memory and some light bulbs will go off but I’m telling you, if I walk away this time it will be too late.

These are the words I wish I could say to you when we’re standing in the same room, when you ask me what’s wrong and all I can say is nothing.

Because when I say it’s nothing, I actually mean it’s everything. 

 

Source: Thought Catalog 01/30/2017

When The Warm Wind Comes Again

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My beloved do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily- How can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours? I’m still proud of what we were; no pain remains no feelings – eternity awaits. Grant me wings that I may fly.

Back at Barnes and Nobles again on a Friday night because I have no life and it gets me out of the house for the moment. I’m still listening to the same album from yesterday unfortunately. It soothes me and makes me feel happy to some extent; even though half of it makes me want to cry half the time because of the lyrics.. isn’t it obvious? They’re meaningful and I can relate to them a lot. (If you’re confused as to which album it is, it’s VNV Nation with the Babelsberg Film Orchestra – Resonance. I love orchestral pieces, and would like to go see another soon. I need to find me someone who wants to go to Broadway with me and see some plays. I tree up roaming the city and I miss it. I wish I could live there and work there. I’d make a perfect New Yorker in my opinion. I love people and I love the city. Too bad it’s so damn expensive. Maybe now that I no longer have to rely on someone and can do what my brain wants for once, I can try to look for a job in the city and move there and finally do what I want to do. That’s just a thought. Any city really… but New York is ideal for me since I can always take a train home and leave my car with mom.. that’s what I wanted to do from the start but it never got to that point and then things shifted and I moved to PA. Not saying I regret that at all.. I’ve met all the people I know today by moving here and giving up all those fake friends in NJ.. I’m glad I was able to move to a place outside my comfort zone – I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m kind of shoved in a corner right now at Barnes and Nobles – I’ve made my nest and there are people all around me. I’m glad I’ve got my headphones on though – it drowns out het they’re saying because they’re disturbing my mental ability to put words together here for this post. There are definitely more people here than last night – and now there’s a baby crying next to me… Help. No bueno, no babies. Ugh. No wonder I never want any kids. I can’t even stand other peoples… unless I can give them back at the end of the day. I love them… when they’re not mine to take home. And for some reason they love me. I worked at a day camp for years, and I loved all the kids there but I would never never in a million years take any of them home with me or want to. They were the brattiest most annoying children ever with hardly any supervision. Every now and then you’d get a good kid who was quiet and not annoying at all and then hope seemed to be restored. But then – demon child from hell. Not something I wanted to deal with when taking them home. I’ve known for awhile now I never want children. And I was lucky enough to find someone who didn’t want them either.. now that they’re gone, I feel its going to be hard to find someone else that never wants children either. And truthfully does not want any, not just because they love me; but because that’s what they want as well.

I’ve moved now to my bed and have stopped writing for the night. It’s now Sunday night and 8pm. I’m sitting in bed doing nothing but this and Friends on TV. Romeo is sitting here staring at me, Moomoo is sleeping on my purse that’s on my bed. Tonight’s hard for me. He admitted he missed me and loved me, which is great.. but still refuses to act like a human adult and talk about problems and work on what we have. I want to know if I’m wasting my time. I don’t like wasting my time on things that will go nowhere. I have a life to live and I can’t keep putting my life on hold for everyone and everything. If nothing is better by April, I am then looking to move to another state again and start over and cut ties to everyone and everything.. I’ve thought about this recently more than I’d like to, but I think sometimes you just need to pick up and leave and not look back. Those that miss you will let you know and be there for you and those that don’t will show it by not making themselves present at all in your life. I already found out who my friends were once, I guess I’ll find that out again if I leave this area. I’ve not much left to give and I’m tired of wasting my time. Once my lease is up, over the summer maybe, and I can save up some money maybe.. I can leave and move on finally.

I shouldn’t be feeling like shit all the time; and I deserve to live. After all, I’m only 26 and I want to travel. Granted I don’t have much money but I want to be able to go where I want. I’ve thought about buying or renting an RV, packing up life and getting rid of everything I own and travel cross country with the Meows and see what happens. I wish I could just get up and leave and go somewhere far away like my friend Jessica did. She moved from Seattle to Australia and has been traveling ever since and I envy her so much. She is truly living life the way I want to I just don’t have the financial means and I will never give up my Meows for anything. They are what’s been holding me back from a lot- they are the glue that makes me sane and hold my head together. I’d be even more miserable without them. More and more I think about leaving and traveling.. it becomes the first thing in my mind when I wake up every day. Thinking – I just want to leave everything and not have to deal with anything ever again. I would worry about me myself and I .. and the meows because meow. Maybe one day – I just hope I’m not too old to handle myself. I want to do it young; and I wouldn’t mind having someone come with me.

Your hearts were never made of stone. Rise up you earth bound demons; rise up before me now and fight. Your time has finally come. Take me back before the years and memories … before the hourglass has drained; before the colors start to fade.

Realization, Friendship and Anything In Between

You always told me to “blog about my feelings instead of bitching” well, here you go. 

So going back through whatever happened the last night or two in my head… I don’t know what to think anymore. And if you want listen tome otherwise, maybe you’ll listen here and actually give me an answer. Everyone always winds up leaving me in my life. All my guy friends, all my girl friends… except for maybe three; You, Sam and Vanessa. I guess I never really knew how to be your friend after dating you because there was always room for either error or change, but even maybe hope. I hung on to the fact that we might eventually work out one day… I guess I was wrong. I guess I was too hung up on the fact that I had such strong feelings for you, that maybe one day you’ll return them to me again like it was in the beginning. Again… I guess I was wrong. Last night, alot of things were said to me that hurt my feelings, and of course that’s what’s going to stick out in my mind and be on the top of my head, because I’ve never been called “psychotic” or a “cunt” or even maybe a “bitch” by anyone else, or maybe it’s just because no one else ever had the balls to say it to my face… who knows really anymore.. But more importantly; I was told I was being a bad friend, and that I didn’t know HOW to really be a friend to you. And for that; I’m sorry. You said that I deserve to have that one friend by my side… and I thought  you were going to be and still be that friend to me… that I’m so used to everyone walking away from me that I don’t know what to do when someone actually stays… well you’re right. You finally did it. You decided to actually break me down, in half, and tell me what was wrong with me. I guess I should be thanking you in a way. Because I now know what I have to do to change, or to be “Koral” again as you say. I guess my downfall would be that I am way too nice to everyone and I always get taken advantage of, not just with you, but with everyone. I let them walk all over me; and then when I need help… I don’t get anything in return. I am a doormat for dirty feet who’s there to help but never be helped. While it took me just about an hour to write this because my hand hurts to move much; I’m realizing that maybe I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but that maybe people change and things happen and some people just don’t click well anymore together… I don’t want to be those people anymore. I want to be friends, and I want to be happy. I’m sitting here at work basically bawling my eyes out having everyone wonder what the fuck is wrong with me… That’s not good for work, and it’s not good for me. I haven;t been right in the head since last night. I didn’t expect you to be all cheery and happy 8 hours later; but you didn’t have to go around acting like absolutely nothing happened last night. I didn’t ignore everything you said to me last night, it actually did sink in to me that wow, I really am a shitty friend to you and possibly to some other people.. but then when I ask for what it is I can do… you just yell at me. There has to be something in your head that I can do otherwise you wouldn’t have yelled. If you’re sick of me… then just say it. I won’t be any more hurt than I already am. I know I’m a bad friend to you. I know I’m a bad friend to possibly some others… I’m not used to having “friends” because no one ever stays.

I guess all that’s left is to just… change. Be a good friend, stay out of your life like you want me to, be a normal friend, and not a best friend like you’ve been to me. I’m not a part of your life, atleast that’s what you keep telling me over and over, I’m just a friend. Just. A. Friend. And you know what; I guess I’m okay with that. I need to learn how to be a friend again, and learn how to accept friends and not be such a “bitch.” I guess I just don’t, in the end, want to lose you. You’re one of the only people I have whether you believe that or not… and I can’t lose another person in my life like my dad and rest of family. 

Take this however you want to take it… just know I’m sorry and you don’t deserve how shitty I’ve been.