This Black Friday post comes to you from a fellow Washington resident! Briana reached out to me regarding guest posting, and lo and behold she lives only one hour from me in my new home state! I’m sure you’ll see more collaborating between her and I in the coming years as we can easily work together to come up with ideas. Without further hesitation, I present BeautyMePlease!
As the end of the year approaches faster than ever, every year we still face the same problem: Getting into the holiday vibe. True story! You must be thinking, “alright Bri, Good luck with that”, well GRINCH, I don’t need your input!
Before we get started let me introduce myself, My name is Briana and I am the owner/creator of Beauty me Please! I am a beauty blogger and freelance makeup artist that blog about beauty as long as it is cruelty free & vegan! I also do personal blogs and self care because we all need that reminder to take care of ourselves. If you want to see more of me don’t hesitate to visit me at beautymeplease.com
Coffee up and take a seat because we are getting festive!
Ever here the term “Smelling like a snack? Yeah I have too and I am not too fond of it but it is relevant for this topic. One way to get into the holiday spirit to to bathe in the scents and oh so good beauty products. I am talking candles, shower gels, lotions, hair products and maybe as far as toothpaste. That sounds like a cavity. But it is a start! If your tree is up, spray some pine, need some candles? Hit up Bath N Body works for some sugarcookie or vanilla scented candles to make your house smell like a bakery all day everyday! Something fun and relaxing is taking a bath and using a really good scented bath bomb and then lotion up afterwards. Usually with smells that go well together. Careful not to go overboard though, it happens.
2. Baking and baked goods make the heart whole
At heart, if there are no sweets of any kind I am a very very sad soul and many others are too. It is literally the unofficial tradition for thanksgiving or Christmas. Sure you have your buffets of food but your holiday will not be complete without some yummy baked goods.
3. Facebook events
If you are looking to save money this year because you blew it all on decorations or presents but still want something to do then this is for you. Around this time of year, your town or city have many events happening pertaining to the holiday or celebrations. There are dance events, events for family and children,concerts, special mall parties, whatever it may be you are bound to something really fun and worth the experience. A lot of the events depending on the area will be free and also depending on the area or event in general there are fees but nothing too crazy. Definitely doable. Facebook events are easily accessible in the app and on desktop. Give it a whirl and see what you find.
This is the simplest and easiest way to truly get festive and feel one with the spirit! Decorating is like the soul or the door to feeling happy and good spirited with the harsh winter fall and winter weather. It keeps you sain, and you don’t have to leave your house if you don’t want after you make your place a living museum of decorative vibes. And every year you get to spend time in looking for MORE decor to compliment what you already have. It is the truest form of satisfaction.
5. You’re the Grinch
If none of these are tickling you yet, I fear that it is too late for you! YOU GRINCH! Or possibly scrooge? You simply cannot be entertained! Getting festive and feeling the holiday is also wanting to really feel something else other than moping around and feeling unhappy. My advice? Go to that neighborhood where every house and lawn is decked out head-to-toe in decorations. Appreciate all the pretty lights and the effort that goes into that maintenance and dedication it took to get all that out. You know what I am talking about! When you were younger your family would drive around looking at all the homes that were bright and colorful SCREAMING for attention! If that STILL doesn’t get your blood flowing well, Netflix your problems until you feel better.
Well that is all I have for this year guys! I hope you guys enjoyed this read as much as I did but really, all seriousness aside you should really some of these out if you haven’t already, could make a difference, who knows. I’d like to thank Koral, for giving me the opportunity to reach out to you guys and give you some ideas and hopefully a laugh! She is a great person and I love her work as you do too! Thank you for having me, again my name is Briana and I hope you have the BEST Thanksgiving and Christmas and a Happy New year!
So awhile back in probably February, after I got a little more comfortable with working in the PNW and my commute to work, I started a bullet journal for my tasks. I use this for both home and work tasks and split it up as evenly as I can.
In here, you’ll see some photos of my original ones, to the middle to now, and to see my progress. (Some items are blurred out due solely for the fact that it’s me venting about BS.) I’ve brought my layout around full circle focusing on the minimal vs expanding it all, and now for July, I’m focusing more on design and flow as well as minimal content. I don’t think the days need to take up one page, but I’m also not sure how I feel that the entire week is only on two pages, with notes and goals. I think maybe 2 days per page and notes for each day or something similar to that. I don’t really use it on the weekends much, it’s more for mapping out the things that need to get done that weekend to keep track. It’s easier since I split up Saturday and Sunday into smaller areas for July, so it makes is neater but I just don’t know how I feel about it just yet until I start using it. Then I’ll know for August and moving forward.
It’s always fun to play around with new layouts each month. When you find things that work or don’t work, that’s always an exciting time. For example: my habit tracker and mood tracker for June that I made. It’s combined into one page this time and I actually used Washi tape for the cupcakes to color in for the moods. It works and it’s pretty creative if I do say so myself. Michaels has TONS of Washi tape now at 3/$1 in the everyday pricing. I must have bought about … 75 already from them. Shhhhh. No one needs to know … Haha.
As I steadily continue my spread over the month, the first week is gone and done already and you can see my updates below as well. Not much went on and not much will go on until the end of the month and August. I also don’t plan on bringing it with me when I go to San Fransisco for work in August so that will be a little bare sadly. It’s not a necessity for then and I’ll be at a conference anyway. #ihateflying
FYI, I’ve started this blog back in July because I thought I’d be posting it sooner, turns out I wasn’t. I’m back from San Fran now and can show you what I’ve done for August! I’m excited. It’s a simple smooth layout that I came up with to keep everything plain and to the point.
The photos are a bit out of order but it’s okay, I’m sure you get the idea of them!
Hope you enjoyed them, and sorry for not catching up with blogging recently. I’ve been overwhelmed with other life things (another blog coming soon) and living out here in the PNW.
I was nominated many eons ago by Debs The Ninja on her blog. I’m super grateful, and never realized what it was until I read more up on it not too long ago (meaning like 3 months ago now, but still this was from back years ago… lol.) Since this is so old, I’m going to still answer the questions I was given by Debs, but I’m hoping this will translate into the 2018 version. The rules are simple and not hard to follow!
These are the rules:
Thank the nominator and post a link to his/her blog
Display the award on your blog
Answer the questions provided by the nominator
Include some random facts about yourself
Nominate 5-11 blogs which have less than 1000 followers
Prepare more questions
The questions given to me go as follows:
If you could visit any five countries in the world with no time or money constraints, where would you go and why?
Wow, any 5? I’m not honestly sure. I know one would have to be Hungary because I’m Hungarian and Budapest is gorgeous in photos I see on the web. I know someone who lives there, and she’s a fellow Etsy seller (you can check out her stuff here!) My next would have to be Iceland. I’ve always wanted to head there and see the hot springs and mountains that I see so many photos of online and on Instagram. I was thinking possibly a honeymoon destination…. but I’d need to get the fiance on board first to go there, haha. Third would have to be Finland. My mom went some many years ago, and said it was gorgeous. Not to mention that the fact so much amazing music comes out of there… mainly Poets of the Fall which happens to be my favorite band. I have never seen them because they don’t have a presence over here in the states, sadly. But one day I hope to see them live. Also, northern lights, DUH! My last two would have to be Japan and Scotland. No real reason except that photos that I’ve seen are amazing. As someone who has an interest in photography and different food sometimes, I’d say it would be well worth it for me to explore more options. A lot of other countries are over played.. and make them more crowded. I’d like to go off the beaten path a bit and stay in locations that aren’t popular at these.
What inspires or motivates you?
Before my fiance… not much motivated me. I was in a crappy hole from break up after break up and didn’t want to do anything or be with anyone. Now, I like to think we inspire each other with ideas and we mesh well, making us both better people. I love nature and the organic shapes of flowers, leaves, and trees. In order to be surrounded by inspiration and find new inspiration, I think it’s important to get out of your office every day to take a short walk or find a new hiking path. I want to start to do this more, since the weather is starting to get amazing here in WA.
How would you describe yourself in ten words?
- Outgoing 2. Loving 3. Crazy 4. Wine-Drinker 5. Passionate 6. Short-Tempered 7. Motivational 8. Understanding 9. SocialButterfly 10. Weird
What is the craziest or awesomest thing you’ve ever done?
Packed up and moved to the West Coast. No, seriously. I was living in PA and previously NJ, and was like you know what, I need a change. So I found a job out here and well, here I am! I decided that I wasn’t getting any younger and if I wanted to do something I had to do it. And thankfully my fiance came with me (LOL) or he’d be pretty sad back there without me.
What is your spirit animal and why?
The Wolf: A power animal symbolic of freedom
The power of the wolf brings forth instinct, intelligence, appetite for freedom, and awareness of the importance of social connections. This animal can also symbolize fear of being threatened and lack of trust. When the wolf shows up in your life, pay attention to what your intuition is telling you. Wolf power or spirit animals point to an appetite for freedom and living life powerfully, guided by instincts. When a wolf manifests its presence as a guide in your life, it could be a call to live your life more freely, to bring the intensity of passion in your everyday endeavors. Wolves are wild animals that are not easily domesticated and when they appear as spirit guides, they could be an invitation to look at what supports your authentic self and the true expression of yourself. The wolf totem is a reminder to keep your spirit alive and trust your instincts to find the way that will best suit you. (Excerpt taken from here.)
Do you remember your dreams? If so, what was your weirdest dream?
Sometimes I do. That’s something I’ve always wanted to keep track of at least for a little while. I haven’t been dreaming lately though, since moving to Washington. Which I find a little odd. Back in PA I was always dreaming and I’ve had a few strange ones, but none that I can remember vividly to be honest. I’d like to keep a dream journal by my bed to start tracking those, if I ever have another dream.
What is your favorite band/song/genre of music?
I like to say I don’t have a favorite band or genre at all. I listen to anything from Pop to Rock to Death Metal to Opera so I don’t think I can give myself a category specifically. I feel like there are a lot of people like this in today’s day and age, along with this being perfectly normal.
How would you describe a perfect day?
If you want to check out my previous blog I wrote about this you can – it’s too long to write in here!
Do you prefer cold weather or hot weather?
Cold! Well, sometimes. You can always put on more layers to get warm, but you can’t take off anymore layers without going past naked. At least, that’s how I view it… I’m not sure how the rest of you do. I’d much rather pile on the blankets to be comfortable than dripping sweat when you need electricity for a fan or something to help that out.
What are you most afraid of?
Existential Anxiety: According to existential theorists, a universal fear of the limits and responsibilities of one’s existence.
What do you love more than anything else and why?
- Learning. Learning is not necessarily about knowledge per se but it is also about developing the ability to think critically, about using one’s imagination and many more things. Ghandi once declared that “the future depends on what we do in the present.” If we are to have a future, we need to evolve.
- Nature. “We need the tonic of wildness…At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable. We can never have enough of nature.” ― Henry David Thoreau
Need I say more?
- Delux Does Life
- Discovering Life with Appie
- Sweet Lemons
- Anna Merissa
- Bay Area Beauty Blogger
- 4 Little Fergusons
- Butterfly Samurai
- A Guy’s Guide to Wedding Planning
Here are my new questions to answer:
- What is your favorite quote?
- If you could go anywhere in the world for 3 months, where would you go and why?
- What are some things you’re passionate about and why?
- That’s the weirdest thing you’ve done so far?
- Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?
- What makes you feel accomplished?
- If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?
- Do you believe in second chances?
- What’s on your bucket list this year?
- What’s your biggest regret in life?
- I’ve been to 26 states so far and hoping to do all 50 before 35.
- I have 21 tattoos.
- I’ve had my blog for 7+ years.
- If I go to a brewery, and they don’t have a pretzel and beer cheese sauce, they are immediately judged. It’s my go to.
- I drink wine like water sometimes.
- I’ve lived on both coasts now, and the weather on the West Coast is so far the winner even though I’ve only been here for 5 months.
- I hate flying.
- I work for the government.
- I’m marrying my best friend – someone who’s tried to get me for 4 years.
- I procrastinate everything in life … Except work most times.
Sunday evening and I’ve spent about an hour and a half in the bath enjoying my “me” time making some designs. I remember today was Victor Hugo day and I chose something from Les Misérables because it’s my favorite movie.
I’d like to watch it sometime here soon. I haven’t in about a year and a half, and that’s something I’d like to do usually once every few months. I’ve done it every year now for quite some time.
We’ve been working on wedding stuff and it’s stressing me out, so I came up with this one for today! Enjoy.
“Algebra applies to the clouds, the radiance of the star benefits the rose–no thinker would dare to say that the perfume of the hawthorn is useless to the constellations. Who could ever calculate the path of a molecule? How do we know that the creations of worlds are not determined by falling grains of sand? Who can understand the reciprocal ebb and flow of the infinitely great and the infinitely small, the echoing of causes in the abyss of being and the avalanches of creation? A mite has value; the small is great, the great is small. All is balanced in necessity; frightening vision for the mind. There are marvelous relations between beings and things, in this inexhaustible whole, from sun to grub, there is no scorn, each needs the other. Light does not carry terrestrial perfumes into the azure depths without knowing what it does with them; night distributes the stellar essence to the sleeping plants. Every bird that flies has the thread of the infinite in its claw. Germination includes the hatching of a meteor and the tap of a swallow’s beak breaking the egg, and it guides the birth of the earthworm, and the advent of Socrates. Where the telescope ends, the microscope begins. Which of the two has a greater view? Choose. A bit of mold is a pleiad of flowers; a nebula is an anthill of stars. The same promiscuity, and still more wonderful, between the things of the intellect and material things. Elements and principles are mingled, combined, espoused, multiplied one by another, to the point that the material world, and the moral world are brought into the same light. Phenomena are perpetually folded back on themselves. In the vast cosmic changes, universal life comes and goes in unknown quantities, rolling everything up in the invisible mystery of the emanations, using everything, losing no dream from any single sleep, sowing a microscopic animal here, crumbling a star there, oscillating and gyrating, making a force of light, and an element of thought, disseminated and indivisible dissolving all, that geometric point, the self; reducing everything to the soul-atom; making everything blossom into God; entangling from the highest to the lowest, all activities in the obscurity of a dizzying mechanism, linking the flight of an insect to the movement of the earth, subordinating–who knows, if only by the identity of the law–the evolutions of the comet in the firmament to the circling of the protozoa in the drop of water. A machine made of mind. Enormous gearing, whose first motor is the gnat, and whose last is the zodiac.”
― Victor Hugo,
I recently found this quote from Les Misérables and I forgot how incredibly amazing of a writer Victor Hugo really was. Knowing the story in and out and seeing it on Broadway more than enough times to count on two hands .. I love this. I’m not sure where my book went but I really want to get my hands on it again. I’m hoping I still have it .. somewhere really. If not I’ll find another and buy it online.
Anyway, today (Saturday) was fun. We went down to Centralia, WA. It’s nothing like Centralia, PA but it was a cute little town with a lot of antique shops and (best of all) frozen yogurt! A few bars and taverns and food places places in between and a breakfast place even right attached to the one antique mall. (Which actually turned out to be a hotel as well so that’s pretty cool also.)
I hate being lazy though. I waste my weekends and never get anything done and want to be more productive if I can. I have no ambition so I feel what he’s going through with not having a job. But still. We have things to get done and things we want to do and keep talking about doing but we just don’t do them. Then I’m mad/upset they’re not done. I really need some motivation in order to be domestic. And it sucksssss.
Any advice? Haha
Victor Hugo (Les Misérables) is one of my favorite writers – I quote him often. Sometimes, I make graphics with his quotes I grow fond of more and more. Once a week I’ll be posting a new Victor Hugo quote for you that I make.
I’ve been a little off the game lately with the move and haven’t been creating as much art as i should be. Here are a few Spark posts I’ve done since December/Christmas time. I was recently granted a Spark VIP pass to have access to Beta stuff and other features so that’s pretty cool! In other news – my BFF and love is coming to see me at the end of April and I hope I hope I hope that the weather holds up for us to have some fun and explore the area. I’m hoping for nice weather and sunshine so she can see the mountain.
Enjoy some photos I did and let me know what you think!
What does your perfect day consist of? Does it include spending a day at the beach with all your friends? Maybe a night out on the town – but a town that you don’t know? Maybe it’s sitting home all day watching the rain fall outside by your big open bay window at the top of a NYC apartment building. Are you extravagant or conservative in what you think your perfect day would be? Maybe your perfect day is driving out to the middle of nowhere, with someone you love – camera in hand – and blankets galore because you know it’ll be cold and a bunch of lights for the back of the pickup truck so you can have a romantic night of watching the stars and taking astrophotography. Yeah, maybe that’s it… But there would have to be a lot of snuggles and a place with absolutely no lights. Maybe you live in the deserts of Nevada or Arizona and you can do this frequently. Maybe it’s just an idea in your head you’ve been dreaming of for quite a few years now but somehow it’s never happened.
My perfect day would end just like that. But I’ll take you through the entire day from point A when I wake up to the end of the night. I wake up at home, cuddled in bed with my kitties with the sound of birds waking me up from the sun shining outside. I roll over and hit the alarm – mind you, it’s about 8 am on a Saturday and we have a whole day planned – and look at the ceiling for some time while trying to make sure I have a clear head. Romeow will come up and sit on my chest and make his presence known, of course, while Moo will jump down off the bed to get ready to be let out of the room from a good night’s sleep curled up next to me. I’ll get some claws to the chest from Romeow and I’ll eventually push him off me to get up out of bed after looking at my phone to see what the weather will be. Perfect – another gorgeous day here in sunny Arizona with a high of 90 and no rain in the forecast.
I jump out of bed and put my robe on because while it’s hot outside, I always have a fan on in my room for air circulation. I can’t sleep without one, or some type of noise to put me to sleep. I wander over to the shower and turn it on for a nice hot bath filled with peppermint oils and sugar scrubs. I hear my phone go off in my pocket – “Good morning, honey bunnyyy.” It says to me. An instant smile appears on my face. I reply, “Good morning pumpkinnnn.” Which is our standard good morning these days for each other. “I’ll be home from work soon, I only had to go in for a couple hours in the early morning and then we can have our day of fun like I promised. Make sure you’re dressed and ready to go!” I jump in the shower and wash up, scrub scrub scrub, rinse, hair flip. By now it’s about 8:45 in the morning and the sun is in full force outside.
I go back to the bedroom and pull my sundress out of the closet that I love wearing now. I think I’ll wear this today, I murmur to the cats. Get my new sandals out of the closet I bought the other day on clearance. They go with everything and always look good, even with my fat feet. I throw the essentials on, then the dress and shoes and then start to put on my makeup. I don’t go too heavy on the makeup these days but I do need something on the eyes or else I look so sleepy and lifeless. As I finish putting the makeup on, I hear the front door open and he’s standing there with a bunch of flowers he picked on his way home. He gives me a peck on the forehead and shoves the flowers up my nose, like he always does. “These looked pretty!” he says to me. “Aww, thanks dear, I’ll go put these in water in the kitchen so they don’t wilt.” I go to the living room to put them in and he goes to the bathroom to shower from a few hours of construction work that he did in the wee hours of the morning.
By now it’s about 9:30 in the morning maybe closer to 10 AM, but that’s okay. He’s finally home and we can have a fun relaxing day together since he’s been working so much overnights covering for people on vacation at the job site. I hang my robe up and he takes a quick shower and get dressed. I give the cats some treats and make sure the back porch is locked and we head out to the car. “What did you have in mind?” I asked him. “You’ll see.” He says with a tiny smile. He starts rummaging around in the kitchen and putting something together and immediately brings it out to the car. “You have your camera, right? Bring it.” Now I’m starting to wonder what he’s up to. We get into the car and I see the back piled with a basket and a bunch of blankets and another bag, but I don’t want to snoop around because… I don’t want to ruin the surprise.
Our first stop happens to be a local diner to get some French toast he’s been begging for – I’d say he’s been begging me for them now for about a month or two and we have yet to have time to do anything together and get them. He works nights sometimes now and other times it’s during the day while I’m at work also. We planned this day to spend together – and to make it cheap since we’re not the wealthiest of couples just yet. We had moved not too long ago to Arizona to start over and start a new life somewhere that wasn’t in a cold dreary, depressing climate. It’s only been a few months but so far, it’s so much better than I could have ever imagined, like I am right now. The French toast came out warm and delicious and we dug in without saying a word. We were in heaven. It’s been so long since we’ve had diner food and that’s what today included as a treat to both of us. While eating, we discussed what it is we wanted to do for dinner and lunches for the next work week since I take care of most of that. Well, for lunches anyway. I always pack him his favorite, along with a little note saying how much I love him, in my clichéd, irregular ways that I do show him. He will usually cook dinners if he’s home for the night and doesn’t need to sleep. I love when he cooks – it’s much better than mine and I’ll let him have at it if he wants to.
I want to say it’s about 11:30, close to noon now since we talked a bit and enjoyed food together. I have no idea what he has planned next for us on this day. We pay and head over to the car. “We need to stop for gas, I think.” Now I start wondering what he has planned since we almost do have a full tank. Where is he taking me?! I silently wonder what’s going on in his head as we stop for gas. He turns to me after filling up and we’re getting ready to head off “You ready?” He says with a tiny grin/ “I’m always ready, though I’m not sure what you have in mind, so yes!” I reply. “How long of a drive do we have since you needed to fill up?” “You’ll see.’
About 2 hours into the trip, we stop at the last stop before the highway ends. “Make sure you use the bathroom.” He says to me. I now have an idea of where we’re going, but I just don’t know yet for sure what he’s got planned there. We’re headed dead on to the Grand Canyon, my favorite place to be on a nice day like this. I hardly come here because it’s so far away to come daily, but it’s nice to know it’s there if I wanted a day trip. He goes into the gas station, picks up a couple drinks and more ice for whatever he has packed and matches. “Matches?” “Stop questioning everything! You keep asking I’m going to use these on you!” That’s normal banter between us, it’s been years.
Shortly after pulling away from the gas station, we go straight to the Canyon. Hmm, I was right. Before reaching the tourist points, we make a turn and go to another part of the Canyon where there are less people and a better view. As much as I love Canyon West, I’d like to see some other parts of it as well. Today was that day, finally! Another hour into the trip and the high sun is now on the other side of us and we’re slowing down and turning into this small parking area that looks like an old rest stop that was torn down – and there are a few cars in the lot. In front of us I see mountains of red rock and an open space with cactus and nothing else. We park and he goes into the back and says, “Come with me.” Grabbing my hand we take a short walk to get in front of this huge red rock structure and in front of it there’s a picnic set up already there. “How did this get here?!” “I had a friend from work come up here to get all of this together; he’s actually over there with his wife now,” as he waves to someone else near another car who looks like they’re about to head off after finishing their picnic themselves.
He brings out two subs that he bought on the way home from work that morning from the 24 hour deli/grocery that we have near the home, and a bottle of wine to share. The most beautiful tapestry is set out to sit on and I almost don’t want to sit on it because it’s too nice. It’s turquoise and yellow and contrasts with the desert ground almost perfectly. It looks like something out of a catalog, and honestly, it probably was. “Wait!” I tell him. “I want to take a picture first!” “I knew you’d want to, haha.” I grab my camera out of the bag and take a few shots and then I let him sit down to eat. While all of this is happening, I forgot to mention that there’s an exquisite view in front of us off the edge of the Canyon. The sun is still out so we’ve made a makeshift shade from two sticks and another blanket he brought with him in the back of the car. I give him a huge kiss and we start to enjoy the subs for dinner and open the wine for me. There’s strawberries for dessert and obviously cookies. I start to get creative with the photos and take some of the strawberries with the Canyon as the background and the incredible view that we have. It’s only necessary of course.
There’s a few people roaming around the area we’re in doing the same thing – enjoying the view with their cameras and some have kids with them who are running all over and I’m afraid they’re going to go over the edge if they get too close or miss a step – so I yell to the kids to be careful and the parents look up from what they were taking a photo of and scold the kids a little bit then return to what they were doing. Next thing I know one of the children fell and I go over to help him up (he’s about 8years old) and see if he’s okay. As I reach him, he turns to me and says “Oh Lady, I’m okay. But I think that guy over there needs you.” With a huge grin on his face, he points over to where we were sitting on the blanket.
I turn around and see him, lo and behold, on one knee, holding the ring I’ve had my eye on since I was 16 years old in a box open in front of me. “I know we’re a little far from where I wanted to originally do this… But yeah… will you marry me?” And all of a sudden I knew what happened. Those people roaming around were all people he know from work who were in on it, the people who had their cameras out were there to capture the moment and the kid was the distraction he needed to be able to set this up. Through tears and bliss, “Well of course yes, DUH!” I knew today was going to be special because he’s been different for a few weeks now and I thought it was something that I had done, never in a million years was I expecting this day to turn into this – I thought we were just going on an adventure together for the day and taking photos.
After all the excitement was over, and I went over to his friends to see the photos they took of us (of course I had to..) we returned to our little picnic together and cuddled for a while on the blanket looking at the view we had. “I have one more surprise for you.” He tells me. “But we need to drive a little bit for it so you can get the full effect of what you wanted.” How could this day get any better, seriously? We packed up the car, me grinning the whole time. It’s later in the afternoon now and the sun will be about to go down shortly. We drive a few more miles up the road to a more open area with an even better view of the whole Canyon in front of us with the sunset dead ahead. He opens the back of the car and lays out the blankets he put in there with one fuzzy one for us to snuggle up in together and then plugs in some decorating lights in the shape of hearts along the back of the car. “This is for you so you can get the photo you’ve always wanted of the sunset and Canyon. I added the accents for you because I know you’ll want one of us laying in the car like you always talk about.” Seriously, do I have the best fiancé or what? He gets me, and he knows I’ve been trying to get this shot for so long now.
And it’s just perfect.
This day was perfect.
This is to the man who made me believe.
This is to the man who made me believe I was the “apple of his eye.”
This is to the man who made me believe I could do no wrong.
This is to the man who made me believe forever was too short – that we would be together to infinity and beyond.
Nearly four years ago, I had met you at a sporting event with friends in tow. You were skinny, wearing hip hugging jeans and skate shoes. You had the shaggiest sandy hair one could ever imagine, driving your Mitsubishi Evo, showing you were “all that.” You were everything I had been looking for. Someone with a job, a goal oriented mind, you knew how to handle your money. You were smart and everything fit like a glove. There was always something to talk about, always something going on that we both enjoyed. Your friends were my friends. My friends were your friends. Everything was exactly the way we wanted.
We spent weekends together at your house. Cuddled all night in your room on that stupid futon (we almost broke a few times).. We would play video games, have friends over, go for food; then come back and stay on the couch all day through the night.
There were rough patches, like any couple. We fought. Words were said that neither of us meant to say. I left you.
We didn’t talk. I eventually learned how to live my life without you during that break. We conversed through email when we could, even though you wouldn’t text me. Often I wondered, what had happened to you, where are you, how are you? What did our distance do to change you from who I thought you were?
You lost a family member, your grandmother. You hurt. Away from you, I hurt, she loves us together and wanted to see us happy. We both lost something, but we couldn’t share it.
But there you were again after, saying hello.
You were drunk, very drunk, the first night we hung out. It was a surprise to your friends to see me, I didn’t mind. I loved them too.
The weight you had gained was troublesome to me, I didn’t know you this way. All those nights of ordering pizza and wings… it showed. But looks are not why I was attracted to you. The way you made me feel was always the best, it made me desire to see you again and hope.
We worked, quite well for a while, but the fights came back. Many rumors were spread, and some were true. We stopped seeing each other again.
Though the pain and troubles there were times we found each other, unofficially but true. You didn’t want to date again until you were sure nothing could go wrong, when everything seemed right. Your company picnic was incredible, our summer with everyone together was better the second summer around.
One night in Winter when I introduced you to a friend of mine, we all had some great beers, he couldn’t drive home so I had took him home from your house at three am. On my way taking him home, you sent me a message: “Is he okay? You’re amazing. I love you.”
That was the first time you had said that to me since when I lost you many months ago. I was overjoyed. I was happy. Everything was going to work out, be perfect. That was the night you wanted to be with me again.
Immediately, you changed. You moved, you found a new high paying job, you lost interest in or common bonds. There was no more cuddling, you didn’t allow me to share a bed with you, and I couldn’t stay over, I couldn’t even hold you hand.
There were no dates for us to go on, except to get food that I paid for and things that interested only you.
Then came the lies. You started lying more and more – to me and to yourself. You didn’t want to do anything for me, or “us” anymore. It was always about you, never about us, NEVER about me.
Everything went downhill. We fought more, and we were never intimate. You were afraid of sex, because you were afraid of children. Condoms and me being on the pill, it was not enough for you to reach out and love me physically. This hurt as much as anything, that we could not connect romantically while dating.
The man I once loved was not the same man.
The man I loved was still a man, but not a child, broken and unwilling to change. The highlight of your life was drinking excessively every Saturday, and ignoring everyone he “loves” on Sunday.
We split, again. This time it didn’t seem salvageable. But as a friend, I still cleaned up after your drunken escapades, because I cared and you needed someone to do it. For me, it was to show you I care, and make sure you were ok.
I still cared.
I haven’t seen you in person for more than a month, It still feels weird to me.
You were my best friend You still are a friend, or you could be. You told me we are “better this way due to all the issues you had with relationships and the constant flirting with other girls while we were dating.” Is that what a relationship meant to you? It wasn’t to me.
You didn’t even try to be a friend to me, it was always me trying – in the relationship and after when I was told I was to be just a friend. Even that, you couldn’t. You wouldn’t. You refused.
I don’t know what happened. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve to be blamed for everything. I didn’t deserve to be kept waiting for when you needed me.
It hurts that I haven’t heard from you in a long time. I hurts that in your eyes, I don’t even exist.
After everything, I would still drop it all if you needed a friend. The truth is, I can’t hate you. No matter how much I want to hate you and never talk to you again; I can’t.
I want you to feel the pain I went through. I want you to look at your dinner one night and not be able to eat it because it was my favorite meal and it reminded you of me. I don’t want that at all.
I deserve better than a half-assed friend. I deserve the friend who met me and wooed me and let me believe I was bound for better. I deserve the friend who was always there, and you do too.
To love someone who once made me believe I was the one for you, and now you believe I was everything wrong for you… that is what hurts.
This isn’t an apology, this isn’t acceptance, this isn’t a plea, and this isn’t an attempt at something new. But it is my time to reflect and know we both could have been better. I’m choosing that road, for me, and knowing we’ll likely not be together again, I hope you choose that road too and we can find ourselves again as the friends we once were somewhere along the way.
I will always love you, but first I will always love me.
Originally published on Thought Catalog.