My Name is Tiffany, I’m honored to have this opportunity to be a guest here. I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and depression, which stems from losing my 2 sons. Here’s a little backstory.
I had my first baby in 2008. After a very long stressful pregnancy in and out of hospitals, bed rest, etc. I had my baby boy in 2008. Peyton, he was born very, very sick and there was no treatment for his condition. We got to bring him home after him being in the NICU for 3 days after they had run various tests on him as soon as he was delivered via cesarean section. He was with us for 10 days, 7 days at home before he passed away in my arms.
Babyless… But I’m a mom, I need my baby… How do I go on!?!?
I didn’t want to go on! My arms ached for my baby boy. In 2009 we decided it was time to have another baby. We did but, this time….. twins.
Yes, twins this is the start of Happy and sad!?!
HAPPY AND SAD
Everyone kept saying to me aww.. you’re going to have your family now, seriously….ok maybe they meant well, but it was very painful to listen to them.
BUT I WAS ALREADY A MAMA
A mama with no baby… the cradle was empty. A bedroom filled with baby decor, baby clothes and well the JCPenney theme teddy bear set I just had to have. A room filled with hopefulness and filled with all the love in the world. The bedroom door now shut! Why? Well because I couldn’t bear to look at the empty room. The room that should have new life, a little boy napping or him, needing me for a feeding.
LIFE AND TWINS
Short story After yet another long stressful pregnancy in and out of hospitals…being in the hospital for one month straight. One of my twins died after 21 days his name was Brenden and his twin, my daughter. I named her Emmah. Brenden, like Peyton, got to come home also and died in our arms.
GRIEVING
After this time we felt like we didn’t have much time to grieve. With a newborn baby girl, we decided the best thing to do was to concentrate on our family to make our way through a difficult time. About a year passed and I made the decision to start my own business. I began an In-Home child care business so I could keep my daughter home with me.
During this year my husband and I began to notice changes in our anxiety and attitude. My husband spent a lot of time in bed when he was off, and I began to have a lot of anxiety when performing tasks like driving. We decided to seek help and attend group therapy for grieving and saw a counselor for about 5 sessions. We began to feel better after the sessions and decided we could handle it on our own from now on.
What we didn’t know or maybe knew but ignored was that we were far from better. As the years went on we both began to deteriorate. My husband once again began to withdraw from us on his days off. Staying in bed and not being active around the house. He would still play and take care of our daughter but he was not the same fun-loving guy I married.
I began to notice my anxiety grow when it came to driving. Having panic attacks while even driving a short distance. Also, I began to notice I felt more irritable and angry. I felt my anxiety going up over things that normally wouldn’t be a big deal to me in the past. It got to the point where my husband came to me and said he couldn’t live like this anymore due to his rising anxiety attacks.
We never once gave up on each other and when my husband came to me, I was hesitant at first because what I didn’t see then but know now is, I was scared to face and relive the trauma again! I didn’t realize this at the time but this was the reason we were deteriorating. We began therapy again in 2015 and this is when we were both diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder on top of our depression.
We were both put on medication which made a huge difference for us also continuing with therapy. The more we have learned about our disorder the more we have realized that it had been a serious problem for years that we had ignored. Our bodies were trying to tell us that we needed help in dealing with our trauma but we would not listen. We continued to fool ourselves into thinking we could handle it without help.
We have become good at watching each other for the symptoms knowing that is a sign to either adjust our medication (which I have just recently changed) or talking about what we are feeling. At one point I felt myself slipping back into depression. Things were not bringing me happiness as before, I was feeling overwhelmed and working in my daycare for 12 hours a day at 5 days a week so 60 plus hours a week. I have recently shortened my hours. I have turned Families away that need longer hours. I HAVE to think of my happiness first and also my families.
Around this time is when I began my blog about homeschooling my daughter. It has been great therapy for me to share my story, our homeschooling Journey and hopefully help others along the way. My husband and I will always work as a team. Through thick and thin, happiness and sadness. We call ourselves Team South!!
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my story, I know how precious your time is.
Endnotes:
Pay attention to your body. It will tell you when something is wrong. DO NOT be afraid to ask for help. We have learned over the years that everyone grieves differently. Reach out to a family member, a friend, or a licensed counselor.
You don’t need for it to be a public matter If you don’t want it to be. which is something at first I struggled with. Only very close family members knew and one of my best friends. It’s not anything to be ashamed about but I choose to keep it private.
I’m on medication for my depression and anxiety disorder but I did this for myself to help my life and how I feel and cope. Most people will not have to live this trauma of losing a child let alone two children but whatever you face in life don’t ever hesitate to reach out to someone. Your life is worth living and to live it healthy and happy.
I want to give a big thank you to Tiffany for sharing her story with us on the Unsanity Blog. It take a lot of strength, courage and being honest with yourself to share such a story and I’m happy to have her as my guest this week. You can find her at the links below if you want to read more of her writing and what she does with her blog.
Tiffany South @ https://royalhomeschoolmomblog.com
Virtually Yours, Koral Dawn 