Tag Archives: feeling

I Am A Warrior – Dannii

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I’m a warrior against anxiety and depression. This is my story.

I was twenty-six when I had my daughter Mia. I lived with my boyfriend at the time in a one-bed house and we’d only been together about a year. We hadn’t necessarily planned to have a baby. I was scared but believed everything would be ok. My pregnancy was good with no problems and very easy. I had to be induced because I was twelve days overdue but I had a fairly straightforward labour. I fell in love with Mia the second I saw her. She was perfect. But I was terrified.  All of a sudden I was a mother. I was responsible for every decision, every choice for my little girl. Everything I did would shape and mould who she’d become. Very quickly I learnt how scary, beautiful, frightening, wonderful, terrifying, emotional, nerve racking, blissful, stressful, rewarding and amazing motherhood was. You go on this emotional, mental and physical, rollercoaster ride and it blows you away. Some days are tough; other days are tougher. Some days are testing, emotional and stressful. Other days are perfect and you feel more joy, love, contentment and happiness than you’d ever known was possible.

I didn’t know until much later that I had post-natal depression and anxiety. I’d previously suffered with depression as a teenager and young adult but had counselling for that and I never associated it with this. I felt different. So I didn’t believe I had post-natal depression until later. I had terrifying thoughts, dreams, and my mind played tricks on me all the time. Most days I’d cry for no reason and couldn’t understand what was wrong. My boyfriend asked all the time if I was okay, and I’d just say there was nothing wrong and that I was fine. I’d get angry with him asking me all the time because I thought I was fine but secretly knew something had to be wrong—I just couldn’t explain it or pinpoint it.  Also, I just didn’t want to admit that I was struggling in case he thought I was a useless mother. I wanted to control everything and do everything myself, even though deep down I did want help with things, but I wanted things done a certain way. I just wanted to be able to manage everything on my own because other mothers seemed to do fine and my boyfriend worked so hard; I just wanted to cope with it all. I dreaded going out and leaving the house but at the same time, I was desperate to get out, although I was just too scared. Breastfeeding didn’t come easily to me and after six or seven weeks I admitted defeat, switched to bottle feeding and felt like I’d failed. Mia wasn’t a great sleeper and I was exhausted. Her dad worked long hours on his feet all day so I wanted to do as much of the night feeds as possible, but sometimes I just needed rest. It really took its toll. I turned into someone else; I’d lost who I was. I had no self-esteem, I hated how I looked and how I felt, I lost my self-worth and self-belief and doubted everything, doubted myself. I was a nervous wreck but did everything to hide it. In hindsight, I should have got help but I didn’t because I was terrified that people would think I was an unfit mother and take my daughter away from me. I hid my feelings; I never spoke to anyone about anything that I thought or felt. I was trapped in the madness of my own mind.Inside it was eating me up and I was screaming from within.

On top of all of this, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy when Mia was still a baby,. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, my Gran and Grandad (Dad’s parents) both passed away within months. Although Dad made an amazing recovery from the cancer, it had all been too much and he turned to excessive alcohol consumption. Sadly he began to deteriorate drastically so I had to deal with that and trying to help keep his business going whilst he was so unwell and unfit to cope. I’d get calls at all times of the day and night from the staff or people who knew my dad at the pub, telling me he had fallen down the cellar or down the stairs. Times when they couldn’t wake him—the list goes on. I had time off work to keep rushing over to check on him. Eventually he ended up in hospital and I was backwards and forwards visiting him. I was at breaking point and I just crumbled. I couldn’t cope. I remember several times just getting in my car and driving somewhere, parking up and just sitting there and crying. I cried so much my eyes burned with the tears, my heart pounded so hard in my chest, I felt like I literally couldn’t breathe quick enough. I felt so sick and so empty.  I used to think what if I just disappeared, what if I could just fly away from it all, like a bird. How could I possibly be a good mother to Mia like this? I’d failed her. I felt useless. I used to imagine just floating, drifting away, almost like imagining an out-of-body experience. Sometimes I’d lie down in a field or on the bonnet of my car and just look up at the sky, the clouds, the stars and just wish to be up there. It sounds ridiculous now, but I felt so defeated.  I did this on several occasions, just sat there by myself.

Nobody knew.

The emotional pain and torment I was facing and tried so hard to hide just completely overpowered me. It was unbearable. My relationship broke down and I knew we couldn’t carry on for Mia’s sake. I didn’t want to risk our friendship and I knew we both deserved more than what our situation had become.

To this day, even writing this, I cannot begin to explain all the emotions and feelings that were searing though me for all that time. I was angry, desperate, frustrated, frightened, lonely, scared, deflated and just totally drained with everything.  Above all, I was so bitterly sad and upset. Something had to change. I couldn’t live like this. I still had to be a mummy. I had to rise above it all and get my inner strength back. I had to find myself again. I had to get ME back. I just wished I had addressed my anxiety and depression sooner. I was so tormented by my inner demons for so long. I want to stress that if anyone reading this feels the same or has been in a similar situation that you are not alone.

It shouldn’t be something to be ashamed about or be hidden or brushed under the carpet. For years I’ve had it and didn’t realise. I thought I was going mad and thought there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t love myself, let alone anyone else. Anxiety can strike at any time. You’re never really free of it but it’s about how you re-wire your mind and your way of thinking. Mind-set is key. It’s about keeping active but also taking time for you, to relax and rest when you need it. Although my anxiety has been so much better lately, I’ll always feel like ‘it’s in the mail’—on its way to me. Anyone who has anxiety and/or depression will know exactly what I mean by that. Anyone who has this, or thinks they do, are not alone. You don’t need to suffer in silence or feel alone.

Every day I try to be the best I can be, always worry and always just want to be all I can for Mia and my family. But sometimes I can’t be super-woman; sometimes I do feel weak. Sometimes I do question everything. It’s the not wanting to face the day or let anyone see, to just want to hide away, but then it’s the million-and-one things that my mind does going through all the consequences if I didn’t. It’s the constant over-thinking and over-analysing everything. It’s the stupid thoughts that you don’t want that frighten you but you can’t stop them in your head. It’s a constant battle. It’s the wanting to still go out and have fun to see friends but not wanting to leave the house. It’s the wanting to be alone but not wanting to be on my own. It’s the not being able to explain it or make anyone understand. It’s sometimes not being able to say a word but wanting to say so much. It’s feeling so utterly alone even though you’re surrounded by loving, supporting people. It’s about just needing a hug. No words.

Sometimes I do break down and it does take over me. But it won’t beat me. I know I’m stronger, now more than ever. I know a bad day is just one bad day in amongst a million good ones. I know my strength is within me and I’m a fighter. There are so many people in my life who inspire me in so many ways and help me with positivity and motivation every day. The key for me is having a routine, staying focused on the good things, doing things you love, keeping your mind filled with positivity and mind-set activities. Eat healthy, exercise and try to get out as much as you can to just breathe, take in your surroundings—even if it’s just for ten minutes, even if it’s the last thing you want to do sometimes—it really does help.

I know I’m probably not easy to live with or be around sometimes, but I still like to think I’m outgoing and fun a lot of the time. Again, just the many issues of having an active personality but an anxious mind. The people I love—Gary, my husband, my amazing family and friends, but most importantly my gorgeous little girl whom everything I do is for—are more precious than I could ever say. I wouldn’t be anything without them; they are my medicine and they fix me when I feel broken. But there are so many people and organisations like Mind who can help.

The fight continues. It’s okay not to be okay.

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About the Author: I’m Dannii, I’m a full time working mum to my daughter Mia, wife to Gary and we live in Bucks with our little sausage dog Ralph. I’m on a mission to use my passion for writing to reach out, help and support other mums, women, parents and anyone in general really, who reads my blogs and can get something valuable from it. My life and motherhood experiences in their real, open and honest form. This is me, the good, the bad, the ugly, but more importantly keeping it real and from the heart. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram.

How Mindfulness Can Make Parenting Easier – Mother of All That is Perry

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Welcome! My name is Erin! I like to think of myself as agony aunt, funny mum and wordsmith of all things parenting from icky tums and dirty bums to baby blues and the terrible two’s.

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My social links are as follows:

How Mindfulness Can Make Parenting Easier

For a lot of people, becoming a parent is one of the best things in life. It’s enriching, rewarding and above all challenging! However, if you are a parent you will also know how stressful it can actually be.

Children have copious amounts of energy and need to be on the go all day. Their little minds work much faster than ours and so with everything else us adults have going on it can be pretty hard keeping up with the kids.

By the end of the day we can be worn out with very little energy to do anything else that needs done. Some parents turn to comfort food, others turn to wine but at the end of the day nothing has really changed and tomorrow will be the same. This is where mindfulness can help.

What Is Mindfulness

What Is Mindfulness?

The formal definition of mindfulness is:

“A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

In my words, mindfulness is living in the moment. You must clear your head of every other thought about the past or the future. You also have to focus solely on what is around you.

Try it now. Take a deep breath and look at what is around you. Focus on something specific, maybe a candle… What does it feel like? How does it smell? What does it sound like? That… is Mindfulness.

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Mindfulness In Parenting

So, how can mindfulness be used in parenting to make it less stressful?

Most people get mindfulness confused with meditation. Obviously, they both require your full attention however, mindfulness does not have to be quiet and it doesn’t have to be alone. You could even practice mindfulness at a festival. And so, practicing mindfulness while parenting is easier than you think.

The first thing you need to do in order for this to work is turn off your phone (or at least out it on silent in another room). We live in an age where having your phone in your hand 80% of the day is normal, sadly. But, you have no idea how much more you will relax just by putting that phone down for an hour.

Secondly, turn off any other electronics that are likely to cause a distraction. You want your kids to practice Mindfulness too rather than sitting watching a mind numbing program that they’ve probably seen 3 times before.

Then pick an activity that is going to use all your senses. For babies you could get a “touchy feely” book, for toddlers you could do some arts and crafts, for children you could bake and for something for the whole family: go for a walk. You might be surprised by how much there is to focus on outside. By choosing an activity with a lot of texture or dynamics you can spend more time on it.

Finally, break convention! You have to think like a child, smell the puddles, taste a twig, listen to a leaf. I know I might sound like a raving loony but take it from somebody who practices mindfulness with her kids: spending an hour, taking the time to become aware of your surroundings is going ton help you unwind and tire the kids out.

How Do Children Benefit From Mindfulness?

As I said before, practicing mindfulness takes a lot of brain power which can tire your children out and keep them from getting bored. By taking time in the activity you do, you’ll find your child learns much more than what they would at a standard pace. These are great benefits for your child but teaching our children about mindfulness will also help future generations. Hopefully our children will make a habit of practicing mindfulness and teach their children to take time away from distractions. It may not seem like a big deal but I almost guarantee that if everybody practiced mindfulness daily, the world would be a little more positive.

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7 AMAZING WAYS TO BEAT DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY – Keep It Simple

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Hello everyone, you know the deal by now – here is my next guest blogger as promised. I do hope you are enjoying these as much as everyone who is submitting posts for me seems to be having! Our next one comes from Sharleen Fenn and you can check out her blog here.

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Keep It Simple

Launched in 2018 as a resource for discovering a simpler (more country) way of doing things. An expat Kiwi living in the SF Bay Area, growing vegetables in the back yard, finding local resources and ways to eat healthy(er), a passion for all things camping and outdoors. A love of made from scratch meals, diy, and card making, and overcoming challenges in day-to-day life. Sign up, join in, collaborate… Keep it simple!

7 AMAZING WAYS TO BEAT DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

Depression and anxiety are roadblocks to engagement in life. Everything is overwhelming, and often the sheer will to live recedes. Every single aspect of your life is impacted. There are several strategies to counteract the effects of depression and anxiety. Understanding your diagnosis, the medications you are on, where to find support, and how to incorporate coping skills into your daily routine puts control firmly back in your hands. You can bring your life back into focus.

ACCEPTANCE

You feel as if you have lost control over your life. You feel like things are happening to you, instead of because of you. Not being able to fully engage in daily tasks, or take care of your responsibilities, contributes to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. The roller coaster of depression and anxiety is exhausting. Give yourself permission to accept each day, hour, moment, or second as being exactly the way it is supposed to be. Accept that developing coping skills is going to take time.

STAY IN THE MOMENT

Stop trying to predict the future or ruminate on the past. Focus on the now. Ask yourself what you need for this moment. What will make you feel better? Focus on what you CAN do and not on what you can’t do. Start with small tasks that give you a sense of accomplishment. Stop beating yourself up for not meeting the expectations of your well self. Each day is a new day, stop worrying about things that you cannot control.

CHEMISTRY GONE AWRY

Body chemistry changes over time. It can be episodic or longer term. If your body is not producing or absorbing certain neuro transmitter chemicals, symptoms can emerge. When chemistry changes enough, medication may be necessary. After a diagnosis, ask questions, do research, and keep an open mind. If medication is necessary, give it the prescribed time interval to work. Let your doctor know if you have any symptoms that you cannot live with. Keep trying; there will be a solution for you.

SUPPORT SYSTEM

Build a support system. Talk to other people who suffer from the same ailment. Hearing how they cope will boost your spirits. Identify someone who has what you want, has a great attitude, has a great story to share, and buddy up with them. Share your hopes and fears. Let the support system be your sounding board and sanity check. These people will hold you up when you cannot quite get there. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Others started right where you are.

POOR ME

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are better than that. Continue to act wounded and people will begin to treat you differently, not in a good way. You matter. You are a bright, wonderful, contributing human being who suffers from a condition that makes it difficult to get through the day. Stop acting how you feel, and start acting how you WANT to feel. After a while, your positive attitude will shine.

CHANGE HABITS

Living on junk food and reruns on Netflix is not a solution. Sunshine, fresh air, exercise…you need it. You have to keep moving. Your body needs certain vitamins and minerals to be well. Sunshine has vitamin D, which helps with calcium absorption, contributing to bone health. Minimize foods full of sugar, salt, additives, colorants, and preservatives. Incorporate more plant based foods into your diet. If you are not sleeping or sleeping too much, take action.

SELF CARE

You need to take care of you. What are your favorite things? Pamper yourself. Meditate, listen to encouraging, uplifting podcasts, or watch TED talks. Shower, brush your hair and change your clothes. Continue to do the things you love. Instead of attempting a big project, break it down into small tasks, and tackle one of those. Personal accomplishment is encouraging.

THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS

Did you know that the way you think, affects the way you feel, which affects the way you act? That is part of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Practice thinking positive outcomes. Think solutions, not problems. Think empathy, not anger. Think success, not failure. Don’t fall down the rabbit hole. Be aware that negative self-talk is defeating. Be the winner you are.

DON’T BE DISCOURAGED

Bottom line is you have a mental health condition that is treatable. Be patient. It takes time to learn new coping skills. Accepting your condition, your capabilities, staying in the now, taking care of yourself, developing a support system, and changing a few habits will have you on the mend. If you don’t take action, nothing will change. Take charge now. YOU are so worth it.

Note:All opinions expressed in this article are personal opinions of the author. This does not denote professional advice.

National (US) Helplines and mental health resources:

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Mental Health Awareness – Indierella

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Kat is the creator of Indierella: a blog about music and living life as creatively as possible. She is a wearer of large headphones, teller of stories, and a listener of good music that nobody knows. You can find her on her blog (www.indierella.com) as well as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Tumblr.

*Note from Koral: This blog is back from May and Mental Health Awareness month, and thought it would fit in perfectly with the guest posts on my site here as well as the timing!

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Mental Health Awareness Month means something different to me since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

Last fall, several things happened. I wasn’t taking care of my body, I was taking a heavy workload of classes, I was back on campus after spending a year abroad, and I wasn’t being honest with myself or with the people around me. A stupid conflict led to a panic attack that lasted several days where I barely ate or left my room, and at my lowest point I called the National Suicide Hotline because I needed to talk to someone, anyone, because I felt so alone, isolated, and helpless. I was taken to the ER and given a diagnosis.

My mom drove down to my school and I got to stay with her for the weekend as I ended relationships with friends, forced myself to eat, and spent a lot of time in counseling. It wasn’t pretty or romantic or graceful, and I sure didn’t deal with it in the most martyred or selfless ways. In short: I screwed up with people. But I refuse to let go of the fact that I crawled my way out of a darkness and fought my way back.

And in the months that followed, I have been blessed by so much. I was able to learn coping techniques and how to take my medication when I have a panic attack, I became closer to God, I made new friends, I fell in love with a wonderful man who makes me feel loved and beautiful and special, I got a 3.82 GPA that semester, finished my senior thesis, started this blog, and realized I have to respect and take care of myself instead of hoping that someone else would.

For years I ignored my panic attacks and fears because they “weren’t that bad.” I put other people’s expectations before my own. I didn’t seek help because I didn’t want to put pressure or be a burden on anyone else. But, at the end of the day, I don’t really regret anything. I learned that I was harboring so much guilt about hurting people that I wasn’t letting myself heal. I learned all the ways that my physical health affects my mental health. I learned to love myself. And I’m still learning how to take care of myself whenever things aren’t perfect.

Writing this post wasn’t easy. Living day-to-day isn’t always easy when I let doubt and fear creep into my mind. But at the end of the day, I’m the first person that needs to fight for my well-being. I have to be my own champion.

So for Mental Health Awareness Month, remind yourself to be your own hero. Fight for your happiness, fight your demons and fight to recognize your own mental health. I’ll be fighting with you.

But before you go, here is one last thing I have to share with you. I made this playlist when I was suffering and lonely, when walking across campus or eating in the cafeteria was hardest. At first I only had about five songs on it. Five songs that could calm me down in my state of panic. Five songs that I could listen to and not feel like I was spiraling out of control. Then, as things got better, I added more songs, and each one has a special meaning to me. Together, this playlist doesn’t remind me of the hard times, but it reminds me that things got better and they will keep getting better.

Big thank you to Kat for letting me share this post of hers on my site. We kind of did a playlist swap and I gave her my Sunday Morning Classic Rock playlist to share on here with a bit of my back story. Check out her blog and see when it’s posted!

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GUEST BLOGGER: My Darkest Hour: Helping Others Find the Light – by Finding Inspiration in the Chaos

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A huge thank you to Lana for sharing this with all my readers and especially me. You go girl; you’re better than you know. I respect and love that people are sharing their stories with me and being 100% honest and true about them, even if they have never told another soul. You can find her blog here for more information and storytelling. 
TRIGGER WARNING: This post talks about the attempted suicide of a teenager. Please be aware and choose wisely before you continue.
 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” -Lucius Annaeus Seneca

“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.” -Jeannette Walls

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.” -Juliette Lewis

**I want to start by saying this post is not easy for me to write. My anxiety was triggered by this post multiple times while writing, but I kept coming back around to the feeling that it needs to be shared. Honestly, some of my friends and family are unaware of this and it has been 17 years, but I guess they will find out now. But this post is not just about me. It is so much bigger than me. I pray this reaches someone and makes them, at the very least, reconsider or reach out for help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

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It was September 7, 2001, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was 15 years old and I felt like my life was over. I look back now and I can see that my life was not horrible. I was blessed more than some kids my age. I had a roof over my head, lots of people that loved me, a good relationship with my mom and dad, and I wasn’t being abused in any way. However, we had just moved and my world felt like it had been twisted upside down. I had to quit Varsity cheerleading and leave all my friends behind. We were only moving about an hour away, but I wasn’t driving yet so it wasn’t going to be easy to see my friends on a regular basis. The new school I was attending didn’t have cheerleading and I just felt like an outsider. I never felt like I fit in there.

Like I said it was September 7, 2001, and my family and I had just gotten back from a football game in the town we had just moved from. I was so excited to get to see some of my friends and a friend of my moms even offered to let me move in with her to finish school, but my parents said no. I think seeing everyone that night actually made it harder. I still missed everyone there, but at the same time, I felt like I didn’t fit in there anymore either. I felt lost and defeated. I felt completely alone. I’m a believer in Christ, and with that belief comes the belief in evil. I believe that Satan took advantage of my loneliness and tried to steal me away from God and my family that night. I remember getting back to the house that night, after crying the entire way home, and I went up to my room and I literally hit my knees and prayed, “LORD, take me home. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

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Later that night, my mom asked me if I was going to bed and I told her that I was going to stay up a little while and watch TV downstairs in the living room. She has since told me that she wished she would have followed her “mom gut” that night and stayed up with me. She just felt wrong about me staying up alone that night.

After my parents went to bed, I went to the kitchen and got 3 water bottles out of the refrigerator and I climbed on top of the counter and proceeded to pull the Zoloft, Tylenol, and IBProfen out of the medicine cabinet. I remember this night in detail, but it was almost like an out of body experience. It was like I was watching myself from above doing all this and part of me wanted to scream out, “NO! NO! What are you doing?!?! STOP!” I felt robotic. I felt numb. I had made my decision and I was going forward with it. Let me just state, I had not been planning this. This was a split decision that came from a very dark, dark night of loneliness. I went back to the couch in our living room and as I watched Three’s Company on TVLand, I began to take one pill at a time. From there, it begins to get a little foggy, but I remember something very, very clearly. God was watching out for me that night. I remember looking over to the other side of the room, and leaning up against the wall was my grandmother, my step mom’s mother that had recently passed away. She looked at me and shook her finger, almost like she was telling me, “no, Lana. It is not your time yet.”

The next morning, I vaguely remember my mom coming down the stairs, seeing me, and then yelling up the stairs to my dad, “Lana tried to kill herself. Call 911.” I was in and out of consciousness at this point. My dad carried me to the car and we drove to meet the ambulance on the main road because we lived about 10 minutes out of town. Come to find out later on, I must have thrown up during the night at some point, and that was the only thing that saved my life. The doctors said I took enough medicine that I shouldn’t have survived. I do remember getting a tummy ache and feeling very full. I think it was because I drank so much water to get all the pills down, but whatever it was it saved my life.

I won’t go into detail about the next few days. I was in the ICU in San Antonio for a few nights. I will say this, I am loved. I had grandparents from all over Texas drive all night to get to me. I even had a grandpa from Louisiana drive 10 hours to get to the hospital to see me. No one made me feel like I had failed. No one made me feel like I was a disappointment. They slept in chairs in the ICU waiting room and took turns coming in to sit with me through the night because only one person was allowed in at a time. I was reminded that I wasn’t alone, that I was loved, and that no matter what I had a family that would love me unconditionally.

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How did I heal? Well, strangely enough, my little brother, who was 9 at the time, had a lot to do with my healing process. He and I had always been close growing up and I took solace in that. I slept in his room for the first two or three months after I got out of the hospital. We would stay up and watch movies on nights that he didn’t have to go to school, I would read to him, and we would play make-believe with his cars and horses. I will never forget how my little brother would watch over me, even when I moved back to my room, I would wake up some mornings and he would be curled up at the foot of my bed or on a blanket on the floor next to my bed. To this day we have never talked about my attempted suicide, but he did tell my mom a few weeks after it happened, “Mom, I am so glad my sister didn’t die.” Love really can heal all wounds, especially love from your little brother.

I stayed home from school for a couple of months, taking part in a home-bound program. I had a teacher come to my house daily and we did my lessons. My mom and I got to spend a lot of time together during those days before I started back to school. We made a point to laugh every day. I started seeing a counselor and open-communication became even more mandatory in our house.

I lived that night because God wasn’t finished with me on earth. A few days after my attempt, my mom told me that her sister and my grandmother had woken up that night and felt like something was wrong and they felt an urgency to say a prayer for me. I truly believe that Satan reached into my darkness and whispered in my ear “this is the only way.” But Satan is a liar and I am here to tell you that God still has the ability to perform miracles and spit in the face of Satan because I am still here today. I vowed from that day forward to do something with my second chance. That is why I am writing this blog. I hope that I can change the life of some lonely child or adult out there that is contemplating taking their own life. Stop for just one moment. Breathe. Ask for help.

There is light at the end of the dark tunnel. You can make it through this. You can fight out the darkness. As a parent of two boys, I also want to speak to the parents out there. I can’t imagine losing a child. I asked my parents if I had given any signs. They both, sadly, said I didn’t. I was still smiling. My teachers were shocked because I was “always smiling” at school. My dad did say that you need to remain connected with your children. That sometimes we get caught up in the day to day of trying to provide for our families that we forget to check in with them. Be vigilant of your children if they are dealing with huge changes, like a move. My mom said, “trust your gut.” She felt like something was off that night and she didn’t feel comfortable about me staying up alone to watch TV, even though I did it all the time.

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According to the CDC website, ” Suicide is the third leading cause of death for youth between the ages of 10 and 24 and results in approximately 4,600 lives lost each year.” Here are some things to look for in your children:

  • Thinking or talking about or threatening suicide
  • Feelings of purposelessness, anxiety, being trapped, or hopeless
  • Withdrawing from people and activities
  • Expressing unusual anger, recklessness, or mood changes

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This to shall pass. Have faith that you are stronger than the situation you are currently in.

YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Send me a message if you ever feel like talking to someone. I will always answer.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255   https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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Favorite Fall Autumn Dishes – AdelineOnlineLife

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Good afternoon bloggers and welcome to another Monday post with another guest. Adeline is a new friend of mine, and has an awesome blog that can be found here. If Instagram is your thing, you can also find her there at Adeline.A.Williams.

Reading everyone’s stories and advice tips for depression/anxiety and life stress so far has been a real eye opening experience for me. Learning more and more how to help others on MY end, has been amazing and I hope to continue learning more of your stories to share with the world. I thank each and every one of you for opening up to me and trusting me with whatever you are presenting.

Hello everyone!

I am Adeline, I am 24.

On my very first day of high school, I made it a few steps out our front door and turned around with tears in my eyes from the anxiety. At that time I didn’t know truly what was happening to me, why the thought of being in a sea of people frightened me. I was diagnosed with anxiety at 14. My heart does not take loss lightly, and in my second year of high school I lost my grandmother. I fell into a depression that continues to bubble to this day with the loss of both of my mother’s parents, my father, and his father.

Since those dark days I have learned to cope. Learned to focus on other parts of my life, like my pets, my blog, my boyfriend or my cooking.

Here are a few of my favorite recipes I make for fall/autumn.

Stuffed Bell Peppers

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Simple and easy to make recipe, super filling. Perfect on it’s own, or served with roasted vegetables. 

  • 1 lbs Ground Turkey
  • 1 lbs Ground Sweet Italian Sausage
  • 2 – 24 oz bottles of Francesco Rinaldi Tomato Garlic Onion Pasta Sauce
  • 1 1/2 tsp Ground Oregano
  • 1 tsp Tarragon
  • 1/2 tsp Ground Cardamon
  • 4 cloves of Garlic, crushed
  • 1 medium Onion, finely minced
  • 1/2 tsp Salt & Pepper
  • 1 cup of Rice, whichever you prefer. (I used long grain jasmine rice)
  • 4 large sized Bell Peppers, cored and rinsed
  • 2 metal bread pans

In a 2 to 3 quart sauce pan add the garlic, onion, and your preferred cooking oil to medium low heat. Stir occasionally to keep from burning. Cook till onion is soft and aromatic (around 5 minutes or so).  Then add oregano, tarragon, cardamon, salt, pepper and pasta sauce to the pan and bring to a medium heat. Stir continuously to keep ingredient from burn/sticking to the bottom of the pan. Cook for 7 minute or till sauce mixture is hot.

While sauce mixture is cooking. In a separate pan or rice cooker, add rice and 2 cups of water. Cook rice per the instructions on the packaging. Once sauce mixture and rice is done set aside. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (or 190 degrees C).

In a skillet add sweet Italian sausage, ground turkey, and 1 1/2 cup of sauce mixture, mix together either with your hands (using cooking gloves) or with a spatula. Once mixed together, bring to medium high heat. Stir occasionally to keep from burning. Cook for 12 minutes, drain any excess oil. Once done, in metal bread pans add meat to bottom of pan (to keep peppers sitting up). Stuff each pepper with meat, leaving a small gap at the top for sauce. Once all pepper are stuffed and in pans take any leftover meat and distribute between the two pans. Then take sauce mixture and cover peppers and meat liberally with sauce mixture. Cover with aluminum foil. Put in preheated oven and cook for 25 to 35 minutes till peppers are cooked and meat is at food safe temperature 165 degrees F (or 70 degrees C).

Lemongrass Chicken with Rice

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This is such a yummy dish, you can substitute the rice with whatever grain you prefer.  

  • 4 Skinless Boneless Chicken thighs
  • 3 tbsp Ground Lemongrass
  • 4 cloves of Garlic, crushed
  • 2 tbsp low sodium Soy Sauce
  • 1 Lime or small Lemon, juiced
  • 3 tbsp honey or agave
  • 1 cup of Rice
  • 1/2 tsp Salt & Pepper

In a large bowl add lemongrass, garlic, soy sauce, lime/lemon juice, honey/agave salt and pepper mix together with fork or whisk. Once mixed together add chicken thighs and stir till all pieces are covered. Cover and marinate in refrigerator for 1 hour or over night.

Heat a large oiled skillet at medium high heat, add marinated chicken, save marinate for later. Cook chicken for 30 minutes, till chicken is at food safe temperature 165 degrees F (or 70 degrees C). Turn chicken over occasionally while cooking to keep from burning. Add marinade to pan and cook for 2 to 3 minutes while stirring chicken to keep from burning.

In a separate pan or rice cooker, add rice and 2 cups of water. Cook rice per the instructions on the packaging. Serve chicken while warm with rice.

Turon – Fried Banana Lumpia

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These are a household favorite, they never last the day. Serve it with a side of ice cream for extra yummy goodness!

  • 5 Bananas or 4 large Plantains
  • 1 can of Jackfruit, drained
  • 1 to 2 cups Brown Sugar
  • 2 packages of Nasayo Egg Roll Wraps
  • Vegetable oil
  • 1 cup of Water

Cover plate with brown sugar, set aside. Peel bananas/plantains, cut in half lengthwise (or thirds if using plantains.) Cut drained jackfruit into strips.

Roll banana/plantain slice in brown sugar, covering completely. Place banana/plantain slice onto wrapper corner closest to you. Add strip of jackfruit along the length of the banana. Fold both sides (left and right) of the wrapper inward towards the banana. Now roll it towards the other end away from you. Use water to seal the edge.

Heat vegetable oil in frying pan or deep fryer (do not use an air fryer) to medium low heat. Place a few piece of wrapped bananas/plantains in frying pan or deep fryer. Cook for 3 to 5 minutes till golden brown. Place on plate or cookie sheet once cooked. Do not use paper towel to drain, these get super sticky. Serve while warm.

I hope you enjoy these recipes, let us know which were your favorite!

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Five Ways I’ve Learned True Happiness – Mallory’s Thoughts

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Another week and another guest blog time! Huge shoutout to this beauty and her willingness to help out with my blog relaunch as I help with hers. October 1 was Mallory’s Thoughts blog relaunch and she decided she wanted to blog and really try and make an impact on others’ lives. We’re here to make that happen. Check out her guest spot below that she wrote and remember to check out her blog as well here.

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Hi everyone! Let me introduce myself to you. I’m Mallory and I’m 28. I was born and raised in sunny but hot Florida! I battle with Depression, Anxiety and PTSD. I was diagnosed when I was 16. I haven’t had the easiest life, but it’s made me who I am. My mission in life is to inspire others to stay strong and not to give up. I hope one day to really help someone.

It has taken me 28 years to learn that happiness comes from within. Others always told me that you can’t rely on others to make you happy, that true happiness comes from within yourself. I never believed them until I decided to make this year 2018 MY year and it completely opened my eyes. Below, I’m going to share with you 5 ways I learned how to become truly h a p p y .

1. Let go of your past: Over the years I kept my struggles to myself. I had a mindset that I could over come anything by myself. All I was doing was breaking myself. Last year I went and talked to a therapist and completely unloaded everything to her that I’ve been through. Talked about my depression, my anxiety, PTSD. I told her my experiences that I never told anyone else before. In doing so I FREED myself from the chains of my past that was holding me back. From there, I was able to accepted that I was a “Survivor” and capable of so much. I began to really love myself from there because I knew I could conquer anything. I felt like I had been reborn and that I had this new life ahead of me. I was so happy to be free, it was a whole new level of happiness.

2. Reevaluate your life: I decided to re-evaluated my life and to see who or what was hindering my happiness. I had to say goodbye to some people who meant so much to me but in reality they were just holding me back. Do I miss them? More than you could imagine but it was doing more harm than good to have them in my life. But the happiness I have felt from getting rid of those toxic people is much greater than how much I miss them. I know I’ve made the right call. I’ve re-evaluated my habits and the things I do. I’ve changed around some things to just make my life flow easier. I no longer put up with negative things. I use to give chances out like they were candy, but now I just don’t put up with it. 

3. Stop making excuses: I have always wanted to do a 5k. For YEARS I’ve wanted to but for some reason I never did. So last December I finally did one. I had challenges along the way that tried to stop me, but I kept pushing forward and did it. It felt so good. It showed me if you stop making excuses for yourself and do what you want to do it will bring you so much happiness. I have now done 2 5ks and in a week, I’ll be doing my 3rd. I’ve stopped making excuses for myself and if there is something I want to do, I’ll do whatever I need to do to make it happen. I won’t rely on anyone else to do those things for me. If I have to do it alone then so be it. At least I won’t have any regrets.

4. Take control of your life:  Before I had the habit of letting people’s opinions of me control my life. I cared way to much about what others thought about me that I stopped going after my goals/dreams. Even though that’s a battle I’m still working on, I have turned down the volume to those voices and raised the volume of my goals/dreams. I can honestly whole heartily say that 2018 has been the greatest year of my life. I have done more for MYSELF and I have chased my goals and completed some of them for the first time in my life. I took control of my life and I’ve been so happy. I have a new fire in me to continue to keep going and make my dreams come true. Again, no one else will do it for me.

5. Make yourself a priority: One of the hardest things I had to do was make myself the first priority. But I did. I put myself first and took care of myself.  With that comes the importance of Self Love & Self Care. I learned to listen to my body and not to over do it. If there was something I didn’t want to do, well I didn’t do it. I needed to please myself first and not do things to please others. I took time out each day to do things to take care of myself. For years I always pleased others first and then took care of myself. I needed to change that because I was losing myself. It’s perfectly okay to be selfish from time to time. Make yourself a priority. I can’t stress that enough. Take care of yourself first. It’s really the key to happiness. 

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I Don’t Sugarcoat My Feelings

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I cannot prove to you that real love exists if you don’t want to believe in it. I cannot tear down your wall if you keep on building one brick after the other. I cannot ask you to turn fucked-up to normal, lies to truth, broken promises to future plans, empty kisses to meaningful ones. I cannot ask you to change your old ways for us. I cannot ask you to change for me.
I am the kind of person who wouldn’t let the people that mean the most to me go to bed angry or upset with me because I give a shit. I apologize the instant I realize I was wrong. I will always choose a connection I have with someone over the connection I have with my ego.

I put myself out there and I do it fearlessly. I don’t sugarcoat my feelings. I mean what I say and my words have value. I go after what I want and I go for it a 100%. I am someone you count on in sickness and in health. I am someone who will fight for you and will always remind you of your worth. I am the kind of person who will love you endlessly. I am very simple in my chaos. All I am looking for is a partner, a best friend, a team player.

I’ve got a million and one reasons to walk away from everything and not look back. In the grand scheme of things, I need to take care of myself and myself alone (and of course my kitties as well,  they will never be left out.) I don’t have time to worry about you and what you’re feeling when you have disregarded mine for long enough. But that’s just how you are, and I’m not going to make you change your ways for me. You should want to. If you loved what we were and how we were, you should want to. Not only for you, but for us. There’s a fine line between loving someone and being in love with someone. And to be honest, I’m not sure if you ever did either.

This is something I recently found from Thought Catalog, and it fits perfectly with what I’m going through, how you acted and what you did to me. And I’m not going to sugar coat anything anymore. I know my worth and I know what I deserve and for you to walk away repeatedly like it’s just nothing and keep hurting me is not making you look like the man you so say you are.
I can’t figure out why it’s so hard for me to explain my feelings to you when we’re together. I look at you and I have a million and one thoughts flowing through my head at once. Sometimes I’m yelling at you, other times I’m pleading, however neither of these are vocal, it’s all in my head.

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Dead silence; you can hear me breathing and I look pained, but no matter how many times I try I can’t form words. You ask me if I’m okay, or what’s bothering me and I take the easy way out, I tell you nothing. When in reality it is absolutely everything.

So I need you to read this, and picture me standing in front of you. Picture me looking extremely sad, like this is the hardest thing you’ve seen me have to do. There’s a good chance there would be tears streaming down my face, and I may have some struggles of catching my breath at times but I’d want you to be silent and let me get it all out.

Deep breath… Here it goes.

I am struggling with what has transpired recently between the two of us. I can’t fathom a world that doesn’t have you and I together, but I can’t imagine that I can continue on much longer how we are right now. I’m hurt and you don’t get to say that I’m not. I’m more than hurt; I’m disappointed and heartbroken. You know the shit that I’ve been through with other males in my life and yet you still managed to dig your own knife into my heart.

You’ve made me cry. Repeatedly, over and over again. I’m tired of crying. I don’t know how there are still tears left. Yet, I stick around. And why do I do this when you have clearly told me over and over that you don’t want to get back together, that you can’t give me what I want, that you don’t want the same things that I want?

Bullshit. Your words are all bullshit.

It isn’t fair that you can get the benefits of talking and seeing me without having to commit to me. To be able to say the things you say and think it’s okay to get away with it. You get to act like this single bachelor with no worries and no cares, yet keep stringing me along as well. How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you are tearing apart probably the one girl who has actually truly had feelings for you. Does it bother you at all that you had finally found a girl who wasn’t like the rest of the ones who have been in your life?

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. I am so sorry that there are girls out there who decided to take advantage of the wonderful man I fell in love with and caused you to put up this barrier around your heart. I’m sorry you don’t think you deserve the kind of love that I’m willing to give you. I can’t begin to understand how you feel and I won’t even pretend that I do. I have always said I’d stand beside you though no matter what and listen when you needed someone in your corner.

It isn’t fair, however, for you to compare me to anyone else. I’m not them and I will never be them. I am 100x a better woman than they will ever be. I didn’t come into this to screw with your emotions or break your heart. If anything I’m the girl that wanted to help heal those wounds.

I want to believe you’re better then the rest of them, but your actions and how you treat me make you just like them. I feel like I’m not good enough, like there is something severely wrong with me. You make me feel that way. You make me judge myself and bring myself down.

You make me feel used, like an object and that is not okay. I am a person, a real human with feelings, a lot of them damnit and you just brush them off. Come to think about it, you’re not the guy who I started to fall in love with. That guy wouldn’t treat me this way. He wouldn’t be okay with the fact that I’m upset, and that he caused a frown instead of a smile. He wouldn’t say things that are rude or disrespectful because he knew how to treat a lady. The guy I’m looking at right now is just a shell of the man I thought I knew. Personally I think it’s all an act, to shield yourself from feeling anything, from opening yourself up to the possibility of love and the small chance of getting hurt.

I want to scream at you, shake you, strangle you and kiss you all at the same time. I want to force you to look in me in the eyes while I’m crying my heart out to you and force you to tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me. I won’t though, because I shouldn’t have to beg you to want me.

You should want to be with me because I was, and am, good for you. But not just when it’s convenient for you. You should try and love me and you should want to because I’m pretty freaking amazing is what I would say; you won’t find another girl like me I can guarantee that.

As I’d walk away from you I’d secretly be hoping that you would reach for me, tell me to stay but I know you and I know that’s wishful thinking.

So if you read this I hope it hits you hard, in the gut, and with all the feels. With the reality that the girl who cared the most about you, would have done anything for you and valued your opinion is gone. Everything will have gone silent and you will be left alone, just like you continuously tell me you want to be. Though you won’t chase after me then, you’ll look for me eventually. Something will trigger a memory and some light bulbs will go off but I’m telling you, if I walk away this time it will be too late.

These are the words I wish I could say to you when we’re standing in the same room, when you ask me what’s wrong and all I can say is nothing.

Because when I say it’s nothing, I actually mean it’s everything. 

 

Source: Thought Catalog 01/30/2017