Tag Archives: hate

Protected: What’s Your Story?

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Eight Ways to Cope With Anxiety and Depression – Jeanne Marie

Running
Hello Everyone. My name is Jeanne Marie. I am from the beautiful country known as Trinidad and Tobago which is in close proximity to Venezuela. I always knew I worried quite a bit but I didn’t exactly know the extent of my issue till I started studying Psychology myself as well as when I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder at age 25. I know for most people that is quite a late diagnosis but my symptoms only started to manifest itself when I left TT to study in England where I also was treated for depression. 
As a psychology graduate it has been tough sharing my story because 1) I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. 2) it is more challenging because I studied psychology therefore, it is harder for people to accept that I need assistance just like everyone else so I used to deal with my issues on my own or seek out others in the field.
For more of me check out my website: jeannemarieth.blogspot.com

8 Ways to Cope With Anxiety and Depression

  1. Take time to indulge in activities that you really enjoy. For example, I love dancing as such I spend at least two hours a day dancing around my house in my underwear and I don’t care if my neighbors  see me. I feel so free and relaxed. The world doesn’t exist.
  2. Get in touch with a higher being. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a prayer to God (though that is my personal choice), it can be mediating or self reflecting.
  3. Remove negativity out of your life. I know that seems easier said than done especially when these negative forces in your life are family or co-workers. In those circumstances, create as much distance as possible from these people. Light banter if you will but don’t get involved in their bickering and do not engage in their behavior if directed towards you.
  4. Write a list of positive attributes about yourself. I focus on creating a list of 10 positive affirmations each day but I know for some this may be a challenge. Therefore, you can start slowly. One positive affirmation a day and grow from there.
  5. When you feel anxious, go to a safe space by yourself and cry. Let all the emotions that you feel out. I don’t know about anyone else but I tend to bottle up my emotions until it becomes overwhelming and I have a mental breakdown. You want to avoid that as much as possible. Therefore, if you need to cry, I say cry. If you need to scream or talk to yourself, be my guest. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
  6. Confide in genuine people. I am blessed with two best friends that I can share my life challenges with. They don’t judge or ever criticize which helps. Find the right people. Some can be very dismissive of your emotions. You do not want someone like that as a confidant.
  7. Of course the obvious choice is seeking counseling. Counseling can be expensive if sought out privately but there is always free counseling sessions available at churches, non-governmental organizations or depending on where you live the government may provides such avenues. Support groups are quite helpful as they make you feel less alone.
  8. You may need to be prescribed medication if your symptoms are severe. You must consult a psychiatrist before taking any pills. Let them recommend any medication they believe may be of assistance.

Thank you for reading. I hope you can apply some of the points to your own situations in the future.

Additionally, I would like to thank Ms. Koral Dawn for the opportunity of guest blogging on her website!

Links to my websites are provided down below.

Blog: jeannemarieth.blogspot.com

Instagram: @jeannemarieth
A big thank you to Jeanne for posting on anxiety and depression! All of my guests have given their own perspective on how to deal with these stresses and I’m so happy to see they all have a bit of a different view on the situations at hand! While many post recently have had similar titles, each one is unique in their own way.
Smile

Getting Into the Holiday Spirit – A Holiday Guide – BeautyMePlease

This Black Friday post comes to you from a fellow Washington resident! Briana reached out to me regarding guest posting, and lo and behold she lives only one hour from me in my new home state! I’m sure you’ll see more collaborating between her and I in the coming years as we can easily work together to come up with ideas. Without further hesitation, I present BeautyMePlease!

As the end of the year approaches faster than ever, every year we still face the same problem: Getting into the holiday vibe. True story! You must be thinking, “alright Bri, Good luck with that”, well GRINCH, I don’t need your input!

Before we get started let me introduce myself, My name is Briana and I am the owner/creator of Beauty me Please! I am a beauty blogger and freelance makeup artist that blog about beauty as long as it is cruelty free & vegan! I also do personal blogs and self care because we all need that reminder to take care of ourselves. If you want to see more of me don’t hesitate to visit me at beautymeplease.com

Coffee up and take a seat because we are getting festive!

1. Smell like a SNACK

Ever here the term “Smelling like a snack? Yeah I have too and I am not too fond of it but it is relevant for this topic. One way to get into the holiday spirit to to bathe in the scents and oh so good beauty products. I am talking candles, shower gels, lotions, hair products and maybe as far as toothpaste. That sounds like a cavity. But it is a start! If your tree is up, spray some pine, need some candles? Hit up Bath N Body works for some sugarcookie or vanilla scented candles to make your house smell like a bakery all day everyday! Something fun and relaxing is taking a bath and using a really good scented bath bomb and then lotion up afterwards. Usually with smells that go well together. Careful not to go overboard though, it happens.

2. Baking and baked goods make the heart whole 

At heart, if there are no sweets of any kind I am a very very sad soul and many others are too. It is literally the unofficial tradition for thanksgiving or Christmas. Sure you have your buffets of food but your holiday will not be complete without  some yummy baked goods. 

So you can go out an check out and support your local bake shops because usually they have the good stuff. Or checkout Pinterest because there are so many really good and healthy dishes and recipes but the search will be unlimited! Best believe Pinterest has millions of recipes and more more are added everyday and since the holidays are here, you are boundto find the perfect recipe.

 

3. Facebook events

If you are looking to save money this year because you blew it all on decorations or presents but still want something to do then this is for you. Around this time of year, your town or city have many events happening pertaining to the holiday or celebrations. There are dance events, events for family and children,concerts, special mall parties, whatever it may be you are bound to something really fun and worth the experience. A lot of the events depending on the area will be free and also depending on the area or event in general there are fees but nothing too crazy. Definitely doable. Facebook events are easily accessible in the app and on desktop. Give it a whirl and see what you find.

4. Decorate!

This is the simplest and easiest way to truly get festive and feel one with the spirit! Decorating is like the soul or the door to feeling happy and good spirited with the harsh winter fall and winter weather. It keeps you sain, and you don’t have to leave your house if you don’t want after you make your place a living museum of decorative vibes. And every year you get to spend time in looking for MORE decor to compliment what you already have. It is the truest form of satisfaction.

5. You’re the Grinch

If none of these are tickling you yet, I fear that it is too late for you! YOU GRINCH! Or possibly scrooge? You simply cannot be entertained! Getting festive and feeling the holiday is also wanting to really feel something else other than moping around and feeling unhappy. My advice? Go to that neighborhood where every house and lawn is decked out head-to-toe in decorations. Appreciate all the pretty lights and the effort that goes into that maintenance and dedication it took to get all that out. You know what I am talking about! When you were younger your family would drive around looking at all the homes that were bright and colorful SCREAMING for attention! If that STILL doesn’t get your blood flowing well, Netflix your problems until you feel better.

Well that is all I have for this year guys! I hope you guys enjoyed this read as much as I did but really, all seriousness aside you should really some of these out if you haven’t already, could make a difference, who knows. I’d like to thank Koral, for giving me the opportunity to reach out to you guys and give you some ideas and hopefully a laugh! She is a great person and I love her work as you do too! Thank you for having me, again my name is Briana and I hope you have the BEST Thanksgiving and Christmas and a Happy New year!

Liebster Awards!

I was nominated many eons ago by Debs The Ninja on her blog. I’m super grateful, and never realized what it was until I read more up on it not too long ago (meaning like 3 months ago now, but still this was from back years ago… lol.) Since this is so old, I’m going to still answer the questions I was given by Debs, but I’m hoping this will translate into the 2018 version. The rules are simple and not hard to follow!

These are the rules: 

Thank the nominator and post a link to his/her blog
Display the award on your blog
Answer the questions provided by the nominator
Include some random facts about yourself
Nominate 5-11 blogs which have less than 1000 followers
Prepare more questions

The questions given to me go as follows:

If you could visit any five countries in the world with no time or money constraints, where would you go and why?

Wow, any 5? I’m not honestly sure. I know one would have to be Hungary because I’m Hungarian and Budapest is gorgeous in photos I see on the web. I know someone who lives there, and she’s a fellow Etsy seller (you can check out her stuff here!) My next would have to be Iceland. I’ve always wanted to head there and see the hot springs and mountains that I see so many photos of online and on Instagram. I was thinking possibly a honeymoon destination…. but I’d need to get the fiance on board first to go there, haha. Third would have to be Finland. My mom went some many years ago, and said it was gorgeous. Not to mention that the fact so much amazing music comes out of there… mainly Poets of the Fall which happens to be my favorite band. I have never seen them because they don’t have a presence over here in the states, sadly. But one day I hope to see them live. Also, northern lights, DUH! My last two would have to be Japan and Scotland. No real reason except that photos that I’ve seen are amazing. As someone who has an interest in photography and different food sometimes, I’d say it would be well worth it for me to explore more options. A lot of other countries are over played.. and make them more crowded. I’d like to go off the beaten path a bit and stay in locations that aren’t popular at these.

What inspires or motivates you?

Before my fiance… not much motivated me. I was in a crappy hole from break up after break up and didn’t want to do anything or be with anyone. Now, I like to think we inspire each other with ideas and we mesh well, making us both better people. I love nature and the organic shapes of flowers, leaves, and trees. In order to be surrounded by inspiration and find new inspiration, I think it’s important to get out of your office every day to take a short walk or find a new hiking path. I want to start to do this more, since the weather is starting to get amazing here in WA.

How would you describe yourself in ten words?

  1. Outgoing 2. Loving 3. Crazy 4. Wine-Drinker 5. Passionate 6. Short-Tempered 7. Motivational 8. Understanding 9. SocialButterfly 10. Weird

What is the craziest or awesomest thing you’ve ever done?

Packed up and moved to the West Coast. No, seriously. I was living in PA and previously NJ, and was like you know what, I need a change. So I found a job out here and well, here I am! I decided that I wasn’t getting any younger and if I wanted to do something I had to do it. And thankfully my fiance came with me (LOL) or he’d be pretty sad back there without me.

What is your spirit animal and why?

The Wolf: A power animal symbolic of freedom

The power of the wolf brings forth instinct, intelligence, appetite for freedom, and awareness of the importance of social connections. This animal can also symbolize fear of being threatened and lack of trust. When the wolf shows up in your life, pay attention to what your intuition is telling you. Wolf power or spirit animals point to an appetite for freedom and living life powerfully, guided by instincts. When a wolf manifests its presence as a guide in your life, it could be a call to live your life more freely, to bring the intensity of passion in your everyday endeavors. Wolves are wild animals that are not easily domesticated and when they appear as spirit guides, they could be an invitation to look at what supports your authentic self and the true expression of yourself. The wolf totem is a reminder to keep your spirit alive and trust your instincts to find the way that will best suit you. (Excerpt taken from here.)

Do you remember your dreams? If so, what was your weirdest dream?

Sometimes I do. That’s something I’ve always wanted to keep track of at least for a little while. I haven’t been dreaming lately though, since moving to Washington. Which I find a little odd. Back in PA I was always dreaming and I’ve had a few strange ones, but none that I can remember vividly to be honest. I’d like to keep a dream journal by my bed to start tracking those, if I ever have another dream.

What is your favorite band/song/genre of music?

I like to say I don’t have a favorite band or genre at all. I listen to anything from Pop to Rock to Death Metal to Opera so I don’t think I can give myself a category specifically. I feel like there are a lot of people like this in today’s day and age, along with this being perfectly normal.

How would you describe a perfect day?

If you want to check out my previous blog I wrote about this you can – it’s too long to write in here!

Do you prefer cold weather or hot weather? 

Cold! Well, sometimes. You can always put on more layers to get warm, but you can’t take off anymore layers without going past naked. At least, that’s how I view it… I’m not sure how the rest of you do. I’d much rather pile on the blankets to be comfortable than dripping sweat when you need electricity for a fan or something to help that out.

What are you most afraid of?

Existential Anxiety: According to existential theorists, a universal fear of the limits and responsibilities of one’s existence.

What do you love more than anything else and why?

  1. Learning. Learning is not necessarily about knowledge per se but it is also about developing the ability to think critically, about using one’s imagination and many more things. Ghandi once declared that “the future depends on what we do in the present.” If we are to have a future, we need to evolve.
  2. Nature. “We need the tonic of wildness…At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable. We can never have enough of nature.” ― Henry David Thoreau
  3. 27752368_1624846487622569_4065434429084898169_n
    Need I say more?

Nominated Blogs:

  1. Delux Does Life
  2. Discovering Life with Appie
  3. Sweet Lemons
  4. Anna Merissa
  5. Bay Area Beauty Blogger
  6. 4 Little Fergusons
  7. Butterfly Samurai
  8. A Guy’s Guide to Wedding Planning

Here are my new questions to answer:

  1. What is your favorite quote?
  2. If you could go anywhere in the world for 3 months, where would you go and why?
  3. What are some things you’re passionate about and why?
  4. That’s the weirdest thing you’ve done so far?
  5. Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?
  6. What makes you feel accomplished?
  7. If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?
  8. Do you believe in second chances?
  9. What’s on your bucket list this year?
  10. What’s your biggest regret in life?

Random Facts

  1. I’ve been to 26 states so far and hoping to do all 50 before 35.
  2. I have 21 tattoos.
  3. I’ve had my blog for 7+ years.
  4. If I go to a brewery, and they don’t have a pretzel and beer cheese sauce, they are immediately judged. It’s my go to.
  5. I drink wine like water sometimes.
  6. I’ve lived on both coasts now, and the weather on the West Coast is so far the winner even though I’ve only been here for 5 months.
  7. I hate flying.
  8. I work for the government.
  9. I’m marrying my best friend – someone who’s tried to get me for 4 years.
  10. I procrastinate everything in life … Except work most times.

I’d Like a Drink

Sunday evening and I’ve spent about an hour and a half in the bath enjoying my “me” time making some designs. I remember today was Victor Hugo day and I chose something from Les Misérables because it’s my favorite movie.

I’d like to watch it sometime here soon. I haven’t in about a year and a half, and that’s something I’d like to do usually once every few months. I’ve done it every year now for quite some time.

We’ve been working on wedding stuff and it’s stressing me out, so I came up with this one for today! Enjoy.

xoxoxo

Koral Dawn

C’mon Baby Light My Fire

I’ve been a little off the game lately with the move and haven’t been creating as much art as i should be. Here are a few Spark posts I’ve done since December/Christmas time. I was recently granted a Spark VIP pass to have access to Beta stuff and other features so that’s pretty cool! In other news – my BFF and love is coming to see me at the end of April and I hope I hope I hope that the weather holds up for us to have some fun and explore the area. I’m hoping for nice weather and sunshine so she can see the mountain.

Enjoy some photos I did and let me know what you think!

xoxo

Koral Dawn

Spring and Fall

Summer is here already, it’s hot and it’s melting everything, even me. I was never really a fan of summer. I always lived for fall and spring when the temperature was just right during the day and then it was the perfect hoodie weather for the nighttime in order to snuggle up to that person you love most. Summer… it just isn’t my thing. When I was younger we would all sit around the fire at my mom’s house and relax and tell jokes and think ahead to the future and what it will be like. Now, it’s here. 10 years ago I was in high school sitting there thinking, “Man, where am I going to be in 10 years?” I can’t believe it’s been that long in the first place. Never in a million years did I think I’d end up here and where I am today. I miss the late nights worrying that a cop was going to drive by and see a bunch of high school kids out drinking around a fire when in fact we weren’t at all.
I miss the couple years that followed that where we were all about self-discovery and finding out what we were all meant for in the fall when we went to college. I miss that feeling of possibly losing my friends due to college. It’s a funny thing to miss, I know, but I feel like I don’t have that now. I don’t have that fear that I’ll lose anyone because I don’t have many people to lose. They’ve all left, and I know who my actual friends are regardless of how much we talk and do anything together. They could be miles away, starting a life, and they’ll still be there if I need to talk to someone. It’s those that stick around that matter really.
But, nonetheless, I do miss that feeling of wonder and where I’m going to wind up. In a sense, I’m starting to feel it now, again. I miss the distance of friends and being able to walk to them in my small 2 square mile town of South River. I miss texting them or calling them and saying hey, want to meet up at the park and walk around and do nothing? Want to go to the Skate Park and hangout and watch the cute guys for a while and then get ice cream? Life was simple back then. No husbands, boyfriends really, or children to worry about to get in the way. Now, it’s more along the lines of “Oh I need to find a baby sitter.” Or “I’m busy with work most of the weekend and looking for a house with my boyfriend.” Or something of the like. Now, it’s all about life, and how we should have kept in touch to see what kind of other friendship it would bring us. Granted I didn’t have many friends and I don’t have many left from that small town where everyone knew my name, but it was, at that time, the best time of my life. When I up and left to PA, I lost contact with those “friends” because I was out of sight and out of mind to them and nothing mattered it seemed. Yeah, I’ve reached out to them occasionally from time to time, but it was always a one sided conversation of “Hey how are you? What’s up with life?” and that’s really it. I guess when you drift from a place and you don’t try to reconnect with it, then you’re left out in the dust.
There’s this song that comes to mind, one I listen to regularly actually. I’m not going to mention its name right now, but in time, you’ll see what it means to me. You’ll think I’m strange and wonder how it relates to my life back home… But I promise you it does. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and visit old me. I would tell myself to make sure they don’t abandon you like they already have (my friends I mean) but then the other half of me is telling me “you found your true friends and they’re still living their same life that they were back in the day when you were still around. You’ve moved on and have a better life while they’re still living at home and away from all of that. You’re the better person and you always will be for doing what you want. They’re your age and still doing the same things as 10 years ago.” Under no circumstances do I feel sorry for the life I led and lead currently even though there were hard times and money issues.. I would have avoided the issue should I have stayed at home like the others… but then I would have ended up here with more life that them and I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend or past boyfriends either. I’m satisfied with what happened to me and the timing it did. Maybe I can reconnect with them at some point when they actually start to lead their own lives… but until then and until they understand how life truly is without parents or something to lean on… maybe now isn’t the best time.
I don’t know why this makes me think of summer… or even spring and fall. But I know it’s something I miss and something I’ll always miss; even those cold winters trying to walk to and from school because I wanted to get some exercise in at the time. It was always snowing and a mess out there… I figured I could walk a mile and a half in it. And most days I prospered in that feat. It’s those silly things I miss. And it all makes me think of the seasons changing and where I am today. I wouldn’t be me short of all of this and I wouldn’t be here at all if things were different.

My Perfect Day

 What does your perfect day consist of? Does it include spending a day at the beach with all your friends? Maybe a night out on the town – but a town that you don’t know? Maybe it’s sitting home all day watching the rain fall outside by your big open bay window at the top of a NYC apartment building. Are you extravagant or conservative in what you think your perfect day would be? Maybe your perfect day is driving out to the middle of nowhere, with someone you love – camera in hand – and blankets galore because you know it’ll be cold and a bunch of lights for the back of the pickup truck so you can have a romantic night of watching the stars and taking astrophotography. Yeah, maybe that’s it… But there would have to be a lot of snuggles and a place with absolutely no lights. Maybe you live in the deserts of Nevada or Arizona and you can do this frequently. Maybe it’s just an idea in your head you’ve been dreaming of for quite a few years now but somehow it’s never happened.

My perfect day would end just like that. But I’ll take you through the entire day from point A when I wake up to the end of the night. I wake up at home, cuddled in bed with my kitties with the sound of birds waking me up from the sun shining outside. I roll over and hit the alarm – mind you, it’s about 8 am on a Saturday and we have a whole day planned – and look at the ceiling for some time while trying to make sure I have a clear head. Romeow will come up and sit on my chest and make his presence known, of course, while Moo will jump down off the bed to get ready to be let out of the room from a good night’s sleep curled up next to me. I’ll get some claws to the chest from Romeow and I’ll eventually push him off me to get up out of bed after looking at my phone to see what the weather will be. Perfect – another gorgeous day here in sunny Arizona with a high of 90 and no rain in the forecast.

I jump out of bed and put my robe on because while it’s hot outside, I always have a fan on in my room for air circulation. I can’t sleep without one, or some type of noise to put me to sleep. I wander over to the shower and turn it on for a nice hot bath filled with peppermint oils and sugar scrubs. I hear my phone go off in my pocket – “Good morning, honey bunnyyy.” It says to me. An instant smile appears on my face. I reply, “Good morning pumpkinnnn.” Which is our standard good morning these days for each other. “I’ll be home from work soon, I only had to go in for a couple hours in the early morning and then we can have our day of fun like I promised. Make sure you’re dressed and ready to go!” I jump in the shower and wash up, scrub scrub scrub, rinse, hair flip. By now it’s about 8:45 in the morning and the sun is in full force outside.

I go back to the bedroom and pull my sundress out of the closet that I love wearing now. I think I’ll wear this today, I murmur to the cats. Get my new sandals out of the closet I bought the other day on clearance. They go with everything and always look good, even with my fat feet. I throw the essentials on, then the dress and shoes and then start to put on my makeup. I don’t go too heavy on the makeup these days but I do need something on the eyes or else I look so sleepy and lifeless. As I finish putting the makeup on, I hear the front door open and he’s standing there with a bunch of flowers he picked on his way home. He gives me a peck on the forehead and shoves the flowers up my nose, like he always does. “These looked pretty!” he says to me. “Aww, thanks dear, I’ll go put these in water in the kitchen so they don’t wilt.” I go to the living room to put them in and he goes to the bathroom to shower from a few hours of construction work that he did in the wee hours of the morning.

By now it’s about 9:30 in the morning maybe closer to 10 AM, but that’s okay. He’s finally home and we can have a fun relaxing day together since he’s been working so much overnights covering for people on vacation at the job site. I hang my robe up and he takes a quick shower and get dressed. I give the cats some treats and make sure the back porch is locked and we head out to the car. “What did you have in mind?” I asked him. “You’ll see.” He says with a tiny smile. He starts rummaging around in the kitchen and putting something together and immediately brings it out to the car. “You have your camera, right? Bring it.” Now I’m starting to wonder what he’s up to. We get into the car and I see the back piled with a basket and a bunch of blankets and another bag, but I don’t want to snoop around because… I don’t want to ruin the surprise.

Our first stop happens to be a local diner to get some French toast he’s been begging for – I’d say he’s been begging me for them now for about a month or two and we have yet to have time to do anything together and get them. He works nights sometimes now and other times it’s during the day while I’m at work also. We planned this day to spend together – and to make it cheap since we’re not the wealthiest of couples just yet. We had moved not too long ago to Arizona to start over and start a new life somewhere that wasn’t in a cold dreary, depressing climate. It’s only been a few months but so far, it’s so much better than I could have ever imagined, like I am right now. The French toast came out warm and delicious and we dug in without saying a word. We were in heaven. It’s been so long since we’ve had diner food and that’s what today included as a treat to both of us. While eating, we discussed what it is we wanted to do for dinner and lunches for the next work week since I take care of most of that. Well, for lunches anyway. I always pack him his favorite, along with a little note saying how much I love him, in my clichéd, irregular ways that I do show him. He will usually cook dinners if he’s home for the night and doesn’t need to sleep. I love when he cooks – it’s much better than mine and I’ll let him have at it if he wants to.

I want to say it’s about 11:30, close to noon now since we talked a bit and enjoyed food together. I have no idea what he has planned next for us on this day. We pay and head over to the car. “We need to stop for gas, I think.” Now I start wondering what he has planned since we almost do have a full tank. Where is he taking me?! I silently wonder what’s going on in his head as we stop for gas. He turns to me after filling up and we’re getting ready to head off “You ready?” He says with a tiny grin/ “I’m always ready, though I’m not sure what you have in mind, so yes!” I reply. “How long of a drive do we have since you needed to fill up?” “You’ll see.’

About 2 hours into the trip, we stop at the last stop before the highway ends. “Make sure you use the bathroom.” He says to me. I now have an idea of where we’re going, but I just don’t know yet for sure what he’s got planned there. We’re headed dead on to the Grand Canyon, my favorite place to be on a nice day like this. I hardly come here because it’s so far away to come daily, but it’s nice to know it’s there if I wanted a day trip. He goes into the gas station, picks up a couple drinks and more ice for whatever he has packed and matches. “Matches?” “Stop questioning everything! You keep asking I’m going to use these on you!” That’s normal banter between us, it’s been years.

Shortly after pulling away from the gas station, we go straight to the Canyon. Hmm, I was right. Before reaching the tourist points, we make a turn and go to another part of the Canyon where there are less people and a better view. As much as I love Canyon West, I’d like to see some other parts of it as well. Today was that day, finally! Another hour into the trip and the high sun is now on the other side of us and we’re slowing down and turning into this small parking area that looks like an old rest stop that was torn down – and there are a few cars in the lot. In front of us I see mountains of red rock and an open space with cactus and nothing else. We park and he goes into the back and says, “Come with me.” Grabbing my hand we take a short walk to get in front of this huge red rock structure and in front of it there’s a picnic set up already there. “How did this get here?!” “I had a friend from work come up here to get all of this together; he’s actually over there with his wife now,” as he waves to someone else near another car who looks like they’re about to head off after finishing their picnic themselves.

He brings out two subs that he bought on the way home from work that morning from the 24 hour deli/grocery that we have near the home, and a bottle of wine to share. The most beautiful tapestry is set out to sit on and I almost don’t want to sit on it because it’s too nice. It’s turquoise and yellow and contrasts with the desert ground almost perfectly. It looks like something out of a catalog, and honestly, it probably was. “Wait!” I tell him. “I want to take a picture first!” “I knew you’d want to, haha.” I grab my camera out of the bag and take a few shots and then I let him sit down to eat. While all of this is happening, I forgot to mention that there’s an exquisite view in front of us off the edge of the Canyon. The sun is still out so we’ve made a makeshift shade from two sticks and another blanket he brought with him in the back of the car. I give him a huge kiss and we start to enjoy the subs for dinner and open the wine for me. There’s strawberries for dessert and obviously cookies. I start to get creative with the photos and take some of the strawberries with the Canyon as the background and the incredible view that we have. It’s only necessary of course.

There’s a few people roaming around the area we’re in doing the same thing – enjoying the view with their cameras and some have kids with them who are running all over and I’m afraid they’re going to go over the edge if they get too close or miss a step – so I yell to the kids to be careful and the parents look up from what they were taking a photo of and scold the kids a little bit then return to what they were doing. Next thing I know one of the children fell and I go over to help him up (he’s about 8years old) and see if he’s okay. As I reach him, he turns to me and says “Oh Lady, I’m okay. But I think that guy over there needs you.” With a huge grin on his face, he points over to where we were sitting on the blanket.

I turn around and see him, lo and behold, on one knee, holding the ring I’ve had my eye on since I was 16 years old in a box open in front of me. “I know we’re a little far from where I wanted to originally do this… But yeah… will you marry me?” And all of a sudden I knew what happened. Those people roaming around were all people he know from work who were in on it, the people who had their cameras out were there to capture the moment and the kid was the distraction he needed to be able to set this up. Through tears and bliss, “Well of course yes, DUH!” I knew today was going to be special because he’s been different for a few weeks now and I thought it was something that I had done, never in a million years was I expecting this day to turn into this – I thought we were just going on an adventure together for the day and taking photos.

After all the excitement was over, and I went over to his friends to see the photos they took of us (of course I had to..) we returned to our little picnic together and cuddled for a while on the blanket looking at the view we had. “I have one more surprise for you.” He tells me. “But we need to drive a little bit for it so you can get the full effect of what you wanted.” How could this day get any better, seriously? We packed up the car, me grinning the whole time. It’s later in the afternoon now and the sun will be about to go down shortly. We drive a few more miles up the road to a more open area with an even better view of the whole Canyon in front of us with the sunset dead ahead. He opens the back of the car and lays out the blankets he put in there with one fuzzy one for us to snuggle up in together and then plugs in some decorating lights in the shape of hearts along the back of the car. “This is for you so you can get the photo you’ve always wanted of the sunset and Canyon. I added the accents for you because I know you’ll want one of us laying in the car like you always talk about.” Seriously, do I have the best fiancé or what? He gets me, and he knows I’ve been trying to get this shot for so long now.

And it’s just perfect.

This day was perfect.

Tell Me Truthfully

Dear friends, followers, and anyone reading this;  

What would you change differently about it? What would you have said different? Is there something I’m missing? I would like to say goodbye to someone, before i leave from the area I am in, but I don’t know how to word things just right. I’m really put at a crossroads at this point. While I have let my personal emotions go, there’s still a part of me that will miss the friendship and extent of talking about this person. And I’m not sure how to say goodbye. I’ve tried undoubtedly hard to let everything go; and I have, honestly. This person made me who I am today, and I feel like a goodbye would be in order.. I don’t like to leave things open ended with anyone and closure and goodbyes are the way to do that. When once a major part of someone’s life, I feel that a proper goodbye is the way to let things go; it doesn’t matter who you are, or who you’ve become or what you’ll be down the line. Everyone is entitled to a goodbye.

If you received a message like this – honest and true – would you respond to it?

Hello.

You crossed my mind today. These last two weeks have really put into perspective for me how my life will be come October. I’ve had so many great things happen for me in such a short time and Im starting to feel alot happier with things, with someone by my side who accepts me for my past and how I am. 

I’m sorry to have upset you, or whatever it was I did at any given time. I was still bitter. And I accept your apology as well, even though I never received one. But we had a great friendship, before everything, and it was ruined. 

I am leaving PA for certain in October. And I would really like to have the chance to say goodbye; or something of the like with my last 4 months here. If not, I understand. Sometimes goodbyes are forever.

And I accept that.

Illusion; At The End of Days.

Everyone has hopes;  you’re human after all.

This feeling is not sadness; this feeling is not joy. I truly understand, please don’t cry now.

Please don’t go, I want you to stay. I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here.

I don’t want you to change; for all the hurt that you feel.

The world is just illusion; trying to change you.

I’m sitting at Barnes and Nobles right now, at 8 pm at night on a Thursday and I’ll probably be here tomorrow night as well since I now have nothing to do ever anymore. This holiday season took a toll on me, and I’m not ashamed to say that. Sometimes life gets the best of you. I’ve relapsed. I don’t want to relapse. It’s the same things every time. And something needs to change with my life. I’m just not sure what that change is yet.

As I sit here, listening to VNV Nation and the Babelsberg Film Orchestra; it makes me wonder. It makes me think. What did I possibly do wrong? What about my imperfect life could I possibly have done wrong to drive away the one I love yet again? Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be anymore? Maybe I was the only one willing to put up a fight to stay happy and try to hold everything together for a second maybe third try? I don’t know why this keeps happening to me all the time. Maybe this was a lesson to me in what I’ve been doing wrong? I don’t know.

I don’t regret the choices I have made. These are feelings that do not pass so easily. How can I forget; what we’ve claimed as ours? Moments lost, as time remains. I’m so proud of what we were. No pain remains, no feelings; eternity awaits. Grant me wings so I may fly. My beloved, do you know; when the warm wind comes again; another year will start to pass. And please don’t ask me why I’m here; something deeper brought me that I need to remember. My beloved, do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds, thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily; how can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours?

I think it got to the point where I just wasn’t happy but I was trying because I was so happy and content with my life and how it was going to end up. If given the proper chance, I will take it and I will give you another shot to prove yourself. If that’s not enough, then it’s not enough. I have paid my dues and I have been here for you this whole time. Maybe you might not have realized it, and maybe you just don’t want to realize it. But I have always been there.  I have always asked “How was your day?” When I know you’ve had a terrible day and you might want to talk about it. I’ve always made sure you felt wanted and needed by me. I have taken the time to craft envelopes for you to open in everyday life situations and you ignored them. I’ve always cleaned for you because I know you hate it; even thought I hated it as well. I did these things for you, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

I’m sorry you weren’t happy like I was. Nothing was done wrong on either or our ends. It got to the point where my love, just wasn’t enough for you, or maybe it was too much for you and you didn’t want it anymore. It got to the point to where whenever I saw you I wasn’t happy. I admit it. And I missed that. I guess it got to the point to where it was.. almost a requirement to see you on certain days because you made it so. You made it like that and I’m sorry I agreed to it. We should see each other when we want and how often we wanted if there was truly love and a spark there anymore. I didn’t feel it half the time towards the end, and I’m sorry to admit that. I wanted to feel it. I tried to feel it. But I most definitely agree there needed to be a break to be able to miss each other again. I want to miss you. I want to look forward to seeing you, and I want to look forward to doing the things we used to when the connection was seamless.  There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you.

I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not senseless. And I will let the pain inside me die; eventually. My life was full of us, and so much of us, maybe I lost myself. I wasn’t the happy go lucky girl anymore that I was when we hung out as friends and in the beginning of the relationship the second time around. I know that now – I feel different. I’m sad now, but that’s because I feel like I’ve broken everything but I haven’t. We both did. You did by not wanting to work on anything and ignoring me and what we had, and I did by trying too much to fix what we had.

Something needs to change, and I’m not quite sure what that is yet to be honest. Just… something. Whether I need to move and distance myself away from this area because everywhere I go reminds me of us… or whether it’s just finding something different to be passionate about. I honestly don’t know. I just know that since this my anxiety is through the roof and something needs to be done about that first before I can make any firm decisions. I have a feeling this is where everything stems from and I will be a lot happier in life if I got help with the anxiety and depression I deal with from time to time. I’m finally admitting I need some help, and maybe even medication to help ease the anxiety pain. That’s first on my list now. I have to take care of me, and everything and everyone else; can wait. 

Lay me down, and wash this world from me. No moment was made to last. There are better days to come. Who will be there; to remember who we were? Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us? The sun was born; so it shall die. Only shadows now comfort me. I know in darkness, I will find you; giving up inside like me. Each day shall end as it begins. And though you’re far away from me; I know in darkness I will find you; giving up inside like me. I will forget that we were once dust from heaven. As were forged, we shall return; perhaps someday. I will remember us, and I will wonder who we were.

Should they include you, I’m not sure yet, that’s not for me alone to decide. Answers will come in time, and when they do come, please let them be clear. My love for us will never be forgotten; and I will always miss it.