Tag Archives: heartbreak

The Late Goodbye

Picture it: you just got engaged and you’re planning who to be in the wedding with you and stand by your side just like in all aspects in life. You send out your boxes for them to say I do as well. Now, to remind you, these are the four only people over the years that have been there for you and hung out and made sacrifies to be with you and vice versa. Now picture this: only two of them show up. That’s what happened to me, and it turned my wedding planning and day itself into hell. Here is the story of a 14 year old and a 15 year old friendship that disappeared as quickly as you can say I do.

Two of my oldest friends, we’ll call them X and Y for story purposes, skipped out on the most important day of my life after being inseperable for 14 and 15 years.

One of them, we’ll call her X, just never even responded to my inquiry of my proposal box asking her if she’d be in my wedding. Mind you, I had been talking about it since I was engaged, and she knew it was coming all along, then decided to not talk to me for a few weeks, and never got an answer, so I eliminated her because I can’t count on someone when they don’t even appreciate your offer of knowing you were “best friends.” This was the easier of the two, thankfully and unfortunately. I have not spoken to her since either. No messages, no updates, nothing. It’s truly heartbreaking.

The other, she will be Y, bailed the day OF my wedding. Great, right?

The planning was a nightmare from day one. A little back story, I didn’t pick a Maid of Honor for my wedding because it was a small private ceremony with only friends and our mothers and photographers. Y was obviously annoyed I didn’t choose her, however, she was never the one to care about other people before herself, and I knew this when I met her when I was 14 years old. She was fighting on everything I wanted to pick for my wedding (note: MY wedding) even down to the little black shawl I wanted to wear over my dress at the top because my dress was strapless. I have bigger arms, and wanted them to be covered a little. “That glittery shawl doesn’t go and hangs way too low in the back and doesn’t match your hair and what you want to do.” Really? I let it slide.

Planning festivities for the night before – “I don’t want to go bowling, that’s not bachelorette party type stuff!” Okay, so don’t go, but again, repeat, it’s MY wedding and this is what I want to do for my night before and I don’t want to get drunk at all. We can enjoy wine at the hotel (which my two best friends and I did) after the restaurant we went to. “Wait, we’re going to a restaurant? Can my boyfriend come?” My reply to her was simple, stating yes but he needs to sit at the bar because this dinner is for people in the wedding party only and our mothers. No one else is bringing their significant other to this dinner, it’s just going to be us.” Her answer was what really got me: “Oh, well then better make the dinner for 9 people because I’m not letting or making him sit alone.”

Y never showed the next day. She never messaged me. She never was in the party. All because I told her the dinner was for wedding party only and this is what I wanted for my big day.

And this was the day, the day before my wedding, I finally realized that she was never my best friend all along. She was only my friend when it was convenient for her, and fit into her schedule. She had bought the dress, bought items for the night before for the little hotel party we were planning, and all the accessories. And wasted her money because she never showed.

She always put whatever boy she was with first, and never her friends who stood by her side through everything. Since I was 14 years old, we were together daily at camp, and then after camp at her house and on weekends because she lived so close. I will be 30 this year… and it took me 15 years to realize this I guess. Better late than never in my mind, but what a way to make your wedding day alternatitely the best and worst day of your life.

Now, the two girls who took the reins and planned everything with my mom, they’re who are worth fighting for. They are my rock, they are my best friends, and they are the people who are going to be there for me when I need them most – and they have been. Neither of them stopped texting or calling me while I was living across the country for a year and a half like X and Y did, they kept in touch, and wanted to. They are my support system and who I need by my side.

Sometimes it takes an act of disgust, unreliability and pure heartbreak to truly know who your best friends are, and it’s just unfortunate that this had to happen on my wedding day. I will never be sad about losing people that I now know never cared; I will be sad about all the years I wasted thinking they would never break my heart – and my family’s heart as well.

When you lose a best friend, you learn some hard lessons. Like everything and everyone else, people change. My happiness is important to me – it should be to them as well. If this what was supposed to happen, then so be it. Thanks to them, I feel I’m a better person and have a weight lifted off my shoulders I’ve had on there for way too long. I’m not bitter, and I’m not mad – and I won’t ever be for letting go of something that freed my soul.

The devil grins from ear to ear when he sees the hand he’s dealt us. Points at your flaming hair, and then we’re playing hide and seek. I can’t breathe easy here, less our trail’s gone cold behind us. Till’ in the john mirror you stare at yourself grown old and weak; And we keep driving into the night. It’s a late goodbye, such a late goodbye…

Late Goodbye, Poets of the Fall

Illusion; At The End of Days.

Everyone has hopes;  you’re human after all.

This feeling is not sadness; this feeling is not joy. I truly understand, please don’t cry now.

Please don’t go, I want you to stay. I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here.

I don’t want you to change; for all the hurt that you feel.

The world is just illusion; trying to change you.

I’m sitting at Barnes and Nobles right now, at 8 pm at night on a Thursday and I’ll probably be here tomorrow night as well since I now have nothing to do ever anymore. This holiday season took a toll on me, and I’m not ashamed to say that. Sometimes life gets the best of you. I’ve relapsed. I don’t want to relapse. It’s the same things every time. And something needs to change with my life. I’m just not sure what that change is yet.

As I sit here, listening to VNV Nation and the Babelsberg Film Orchestra; it makes me wonder. It makes me think. What did I possibly do wrong? What about my imperfect life could I possibly have done wrong to drive away the one I love yet again? Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be anymore? Maybe I was the only one willing to put up a fight to stay happy and try to hold everything together for a second maybe third try? I don’t know why this keeps happening to me all the time. Maybe this was a lesson to me in what I’ve been doing wrong? I don’t know.

I don’t regret the choices I have made. These are feelings that do not pass so easily. How can I forget; what we’ve claimed as ours? Moments lost, as time remains. I’m so proud of what we were. No pain remains, no feelings; eternity awaits. Grant me wings so I may fly. My beloved, do you know; when the warm wind comes again; another year will start to pass. And please don’t ask me why I’m here; something deeper brought me that I need to remember. My beloved, do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds, thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily; how can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours?

I think it got to the point where I just wasn’t happy but I was trying because I was so happy and content with my life and how it was going to end up. If given the proper chance, I will take it and I will give you another shot to prove yourself. If that’s not enough, then it’s not enough. I have paid my dues and I have been here for you this whole time. Maybe you might not have realized it, and maybe you just don’t want to realize it. But I have always been there.  I have always asked “How was your day?” When I know you’ve had a terrible day and you might want to talk about it. I’ve always made sure you felt wanted and needed by me. I have taken the time to craft envelopes for you to open in everyday life situations and you ignored them. I’ve always cleaned for you because I know you hate it; even thought I hated it as well. I did these things for you, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

I’m sorry you weren’t happy like I was. Nothing was done wrong on either or our ends. It got to the point where my love, just wasn’t enough for you, or maybe it was too much for you and you didn’t want it anymore. It got to the point to where whenever I saw you I wasn’t happy. I admit it. And I missed that. I guess it got to the point to where it was.. almost a requirement to see you on certain days because you made it so. You made it like that and I’m sorry I agreed to it. We should see each other when we want and how often we wanted if there was truly love and a spark there anymore. I didn’t feel it half the time towards the end, and I’m sorry to admit that. I wanted to feel it. I tried to feel it. But I most definitely agree there needed to be a break to be able to miss each other again. I want to miss you. I want to look forward to seeing you, and I want to look forward to doing the things we used to when the connection was seamless.  There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you.

I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not senseless. And I will let the pain inside me die; eventually. My life was full of us, and so much of us, maybe I lost myself. I wasn’t the happy go lucky girl anymore that I was when we hung out as friends and in the beginning of the relationship the second time around. I know that now – I feel different. I’m sad now, but that’s because I feel like I’ve broken everything but I haven’t. We both did. You did by not wanting to work on anything and ignoring me and what we had, and I did by trying too much to fix what we had.

Something needs to change, and I’m not quite sure what that is yet to be honest. Just… something. Whether I need to move and distance myself away from this area because everywhere I go reminds me of us… or whether it’s just finding something different to be passionate about. I honestly don’t know. I just know that since this my anxiety is through the roof and something needs to be done about that first before I can make any firm decisions. I have a feeling this is where everything stems from and I will be a lot happier in life if I got help with the anxiety and depression I deal with from time to time. I’m finally admitting I need some help, and maybe even medication to help ease the anxiety pain. That’s first on my list now. I have to take care of me, and everything and everyone else; can wait. 

Lay me down, and wash this world from me. No moment was made to last. There are better days to come. Who will be there; to remember who we were? Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us? The sun was born; so it shall die. Only shadows now comfort me. I know in darkness, I will find you; giving up inside like me. Each day shall end as it begins. And though you’re far away from me; I know in darkness I will find you; giving up inside like me. I will forget that we were once dust from heaven. As were forged, we shall return; perhaps someday. I will remember us, and I will wonder who we were.

Should they include you, I’m not sure yet, that’s not for me alone to decide. Answers will come in time, and when they do come, please let them be clear. My love for us will never be forgotten; and I will always miss it.