You guys – It’s Friday again, can you believe it? I am so happy!
I have a special freebie for you today for all of those who have Instagram and use stories alot. It’s called Mindfulness Bingo. If you use it, please tag me in your stories!
My name is Brittany Lee Vaughn. I am a 22 year old single-stay at home-first time mother to a beautiful little girl named AnnaLee Willow. Anna is currently 5 months old and the highlight of my life. Beelieve In The Journey is my personal passion project. I hope to turn my blog into a full-time job, and stay home with my darling daughter all while doing what I’m passionate about. I hope that you will consider joining me on my journey. Below is a list of my contact information and social media accounts: Beelieve In The Journey, Instagram, Facebook, Etsy, Pinterest, Google+, and Tumblr.
Non-Medication Remedies For Anxiety
The Merriam-Websterdictionary defines anxiety as “an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it.”
There are some key points I would like to point out in this definition. The first would be that anxiety is “marked by physical signs.” If you have experience with anxiety you know that anxiety will show its ugly face several minutes before or hours before an attack occurs. Either way, an anxiety attack will let you know that it is coming. This concept is what my therapist loves to refer to as “fight or flight mode.” It’s a very common phrase and refers back to our very own primitive instincts built into our very own brains.
Rick Hanson, Ph. D. explains that “the amygdala (as you know, there are two of them, one on each side of the brain) does initiate the fight or flight response through inputs into the hypothalamus (triggering the hormonal part of that response) and to brainstem control centers of the sympathetic nervous system for the neural parts of the fight or flight response.” Referring back to Webster’s definition, anxiety appears by feeling threatened. This is your fight or flight response. The duration and severity of your anxious state all depends on your “capacity to cope with it.” For some people this may be medication, but for others the idea of taking and/or relying on a medication everyday is a scary thought all within itself. As a person who also struggles with severe anxiety, I have witnessed the very panic of taking medication to cope with my anxiety.
I am here to tell you that anxiety is manageable, to a certain extent, without medication. I must say that I am not a healthcare professional. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I advise that you should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition. From my own experience,
I have successfully managed anxiety using methods other than medication and I am here to share them with you!
Being mindful is one of the most effective ways to manage your anxiety. Be aware of your mind and body sending you warning signs. If you are starting to see signs of anxiety arise, whether it is long term or short term warning signs, utilize some of the upcoming tools to help you work through it.
When you start to feel yourself getting overwhelmed, have a go-to breathing exercise. Personally, I mix counting in with my breathing. I count down from 10 and take a deep breath in, hold it for a couple seconds, and then release. This keeps you stay inthe present moment and stops you from over thinking.
Meditation can center your thoughts and help you overcome your fears. Mediation is a great long term anxiety method but can also be utilized in the moment of an anxiety attack. You can also mix breathing techniques in with meditation.
Self Help/Personal Development Blogs or Books
Reading blogs or books on how to improve yourself, love yourself, manage your anxiety, or even on how to just get the most out of your life will help your anxiety. The authors of these blogs or books are going through or have gone through exactly what you are going through right now. I find it very comforting to know that I am not alone in this. I hope that you do too. Best part about this is that you are already taking advantage of this tool just by reading this!
Exercise is a very BLEH way for some people to manage their anxiety. From personal experience it does help. It gives a sense of accomplishment. It makes me feel strong and capable. Sometimes anxiety is caused from overthinking and being hard on ourselves.Exercising eliminates these aspects of anxiety. If you aren’t able to go for a run or hit the gym you can simply walk, practice yoga, or do some vigorous cleaning. These are lighter forms of exercise that will also give you those same feelings.
Changing Your Sleep Patterns
If you are anything like me then depression and anxiety go hand in hand. One of the most effective ways to manage both of these at once is changing your sleep patterns. Most people will recommend that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night to become well rested. Although, too much sleeping can be detrimental to your mental health and well being. To a certain extent, I believe in this. On the other hand I believe sleep can give you a mental reboot of sorts. If I start to feel myself getting anxious I will go to bed early or take a nap. Too much sleep can be seen as depression warning signs, but it can also be a great self love and reboot tool as well.
Something I use all the time are brain dump tools. I go a bit overboard and use a bullet journal, planner, writing journal, as well as a counselor. I am very comforted by lists and organization. I feel like I have control over myself, my brain, and my emotions if I am able to put it all on paper. A bullet journal helps me create an environment to place all my lists, plans, and habits. A writing journal helps me dump all of my overthinking out onto paper. Once I pour everything out I shut the journal and never read it again. Once my thoughts are on paper, then that is it. Worries out the door! I see a counselor whenever I need to work through something that is causing me emotional distress or making me nervous. Having someone unbiased and experienced makes me feel safe and allows me to move forward. I highly advise to use any one or more of these tools to help you stop overthinking and causing worry.
These are just some things that have personally helped me overcome my anxiety everyday. I hope that they can help you as well.
You are not alone. It is incredibly important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you and that what you are going through is normal. Anxiety IS manageable especially when you have support. If you start to feel like it is unmanageable reach out for help. Whether it is a health expert, a friend, a family member, or even me. I am always an email or private message away.
Brittany Lee Vaughn
I want to thanks Brittany for sending over her entry as a guest blogger for my blog! She’s been patiently waiting for it to go up on my site because I had so many people send me their posts over the last few months, and still more are coming in! Check our Brittany’s blog, or hit her up on any social media listed at the top for more stories and remember to check in on your mental health from time to time.
My first guest for the new year! A special thanks for this very detailed blog from a new friend, Stephanie! You can find her at the following links: Facebook Instagram and Twitter. I’m just going to let her take it away and share her story!
Hello! I’m Stephanie Robbins. I’m a new blogger over at A Red Hair Girl. I am a mental health, family, travel, and education lifestyle blogger. I have 4 kiddos. Mr. E is 7, Miss L is almost 5, Miss S is 3, and Miss N is 1. I am a stay at home mom. I taught first grade for nine years before I stayed home. I have worked full time, part time, and stayed at home with kiddos. It’s all hard.
I wanted to start a blog for a long time before I got the courage and strength to go for it. I found some great resources by way of another blogger couple that was very helpful in getting things set up. I have learned so much but have a LONG way to go.
One of the main reasons I started blogging was to help my depression and anxiety. I kept a closed lid for so long, it was tiring. The more I started to open up about some of my mental health illnesses I realized so many others were also going through the same or similar things.
For a long time I tried to deal with it on my own. I was teaching part time in a less than ideal situation. It should have been ideal but I was struggling. I was not a good mom. I was not a good teacher. I was not a good wife. That’s what I thought and certainly felt.
I was being pulled in too many directions. It was overwhelming and I was not happy. I had to work for a few years to help provide for our family while my husband (Eddy) was in school full time. Having to work took out some of the fun. Eddy was in pharmacy school, it was not cheap. So we choose to have me work part time (making the big bucks teaching part time… haha!) to not have to take out as many living loans.
We decided that the last year Eddy was in school I would take an unpaid leave of absence from teaching. I was pregnant with our third, we had to purchase a van to get to fit three car seats in, and we moved out of our tiny basement apartment into the house we bought. It was a lot of change at one time. Good change though.
The first year I wasn’t working after having kids was great. It was super weird to not go back to work when school started. But it was also amazing! I loved being home with my kids. It was great to be able to get to know other families in the neighborhood and get to play with them.
I had depression after each of my babies. Looking back before having kids and being married I had depression. It was different from after having kids. I just felt lonely or down at times. With each baby my depression became worse. After I had Miss S (baby number 3) it was a game changer.
She was born in November 2015. I wasn’t just depressed, I was angry. I would be fine and then would snap. It was the sheer number of kids. I was totally outnumbered and out handed. Miss S was our best baby so far so I was confused.
It took me until about May before I decided to go get help. Eddy was super supportive. That was huge and very helpful. I called my OBGYN to get some names of therapists. I was so scared. I was terrified to admit that I needed help. I thought I was a failure. Why couldn’t I control what was happening to my body?!
Guess what? My negative thoughts were SO backwards! I was not a failure. I was a hero for myself to realize I needed help and that I was taking the first step to get help. I made some phone calls and found someone close to me that insurance would cover.
I called and left a message. I thought I was going to throw up or explode with nervousness. She soon called back and I had an appointment. There were a lot of mixed emotions going on. Again, when the day came for my appointment I was nervous.
It was June or July of 2016 and I was finally doing one of the best things that I could have done to help save myself. Save myself from a life of misery. Save my children from having a sad mom all the time. Save my husband from feeling helpless.
It wasn’t overnight that things started to get better. It wasn’t easy. But little by little I started to have better moments, better days, and then weeks. Am I 100% depression free? Oh heck no! I doubt I’ll ever be. However, now I have more tools to help me. I have a better support team. I now see my therapist about every 2 months. I have to be realistic that depression will always be a part of my life with highs and lows.
This was the hardest thing for me to do. I like to think I can take care of myself. But in reality I’m better when I let people help me. I may have an issue with control. So not being able to control myself was scary. Ok, I have an issue with control. 😉 I’m willing to bet that this might be the hardest step for you too. I’m here to say you CAN do it! You are not weak or silly or crazy. Well, you may be a little crazy… haha! I sure was! My point is that once you can say you need help you might have a huge weight lifted off of you. I did.
My challenge for you is to go look in the mirror and say out loud, “I am not happy. I need help. I am not weak, but strong. I am WORTH it!” Now you may not need to say those exact words. Whatever you are struggling with I want you to say it out loud. You may cry, you may laugh, or you may get pumped up. I hope you feel some relief. Then you will be ready for step number two.
It can also be hard to admit to others you don’t have all your stuff together. But let me tell you a little secret (or maybe you already know this…J). No one has their stuff together! If they say they do, I’m calling their BS! Haha!
You just might find yourself connecting and becoming closer to those you talk about your struggles with. Or you might find out that they also struggle. What a great way to build a deeper relationship. This new knowledge might be so helpful in the future when you need a lifeline and they can give you one.
Since I have been more open about my depression I have had great conversations with some friends where I find out some of the things they struggle with. Just the other day I ran into a friend that I haven’t seen for a while. We chatted and had a great time. She must have seen my blog or social media posts where I have been more open about my mental health. She was very open and forthcoming about some of the things she has been struggling with. I felt our relationship get stronger and my love for her grew.
Why wouldn’t we want that? Why would I want to keep my mental health a secret when it can be shared and then strength can come from it?
I challenge you to think of at least one person you can share your mental health struggles with. Think of someone that you feel will love and support you. The goal is to not have this person feel like they need to fix you, because they won’t be able to. Maybe that needs to be said to them. This should be the beginning of a more open relationship.
At this point I had admitted to myself I needed help. My husband, some of my family, and a few friends knew. I mentioned it was super scary to call the therapist and leave that message. To have to admit to a total stranger was hard. I’m glad it wasn’t in person.
I want you to think if talk therapy might be helpful for you. Let me give you a hint, it probably will. I suggest you just try it for a little while and see what happens. Let me answer a big question for you… Yes, it’s pricey. But can you and should you put a price on your happiness? No way! You are so important that you need to do what you need to help yourself. So go pick up your phone and make that phone call! Call your insurance to see who is covered and close to you. Then start calling therapists to see who is taking new clients. You may need to make a few phone calls and shop around for a therapist that you feel comfortable with AND trust. Again this can get pricey. I’m still going to answer the same, JUST DO IT ANYWAYS!
I was blessed that the first one I met with I instantly felt calm and comfortable with. Years ago, before I was married, my mom suggested I go talk to someone because she felt I wasn’t as happy as I normally was. (I told her about this a couple days ago and she has no memory, haha!)
The first therapist I went to I didn’t feel that connection. So I went to another one. She was better and I met with her for a little while. I tried to find her when I decided I needed help back in 2016. I couldn’t find her and I’m glad. I really like my therapist that I have now. We have a better connection then I had with the other therapist.
So now that I have rambled on for what seems like forever I am going to challenge you to find a therapist (or counselor, social worker, any health or medical professional). Give it a good try to see how you like talk therapy. You just might find a winning connection.
I still have a ways to go. I always say I take a baby step forward and some big steps back. Haha! At least I’m getting those baby steps forward. Those small victories are the ones we need to celebrate and grow from.
You also need to celebrate the small victories. Don’t be hard on yourself. You can do this one baby step at a time.
I have a post where I talk about some of the steps I’ve taken while in therapy that have helped me. Head over to my blog to find it.
Hello everyone, you know the deal by now – here is my next guest blogger as promised. I do hope you are enjoying these as much as everyone who is submitting posts for me seems to be having! Our next one comes from Sharleen Fenn and you can check out her blog here.
Launched in 2018 as a resource for discovering a simpler (more country) way of doing things. An expat Kiwi living in the SF Bay Area, growing vegetables in the back yard, finding local resources and ways to eat healthy(er), a passion for all things camping and outdoors. A love of made from scratch meals, diy, and card making, and overcoming challenges in day-to-day life. Sign up, join in, collaborate… Keep it simple!
Depression and anxiety are roadblocks to engagement in life. Everything is overwhelming, and often the sheer will to live recedes. Every single aspect of your life is impacted. There are several strategies to counteract the effects of depression and anxiety. Understanding your diagnosis, the medications you are on, where to find support, and how to incorporate coping skills into your daily routine puts control firmly back in your hands. You can bring your life back into focus.
You feel as if you have lost control over your life. You feel like things are happening to you, instead of because of you. Not being able to fully engage in daily tasks, or take care of your responsibilities, contributes to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. The roller coaster of depression and anxiety is exhausting. Give yourself permission to accept each day, hour, moment, or second as being exactly the way it is supposed to be. Accept that developing coping skills is going to take time.
STAY IN THE MOMENT
Stop trying to predict the future or ruminate on the past. Focus on the now. Ask yourself what you need for this moment. What will make you feel better? Focus on what you CAN do and not on what you can’t do. Start with small tasks that give you a sense of accomplishment. Stop beating yourself up for not meeting the expectations of your well self. Each day is a new day, stop worrying about things that you cannot control.
CHEMISTRY GONE AWRY
Body chemistry changes over time. It can be episodic or longer term. If your body is not producing or absorbing certain neuro transmitter chemicals, symptoms can emerge. When chemistry changes enough, medication may be necessary. After a diagnosis, ask questions, do research, and keep an open mind. If medication is necessary, give it the prescribed time interval to work. Let your doctor know if you have any symptoms that you cannot live with. Keep trying; there will be a solution for you.
Build a support system. Talk to other people who suffer from the same ailment. Hearing how they cope will boost your spirits. Identify someone who has what you want, has a great attitude, has a great story to share, and buddy up with them. Share your hopes and fears. Let the support system be your sounding board and sanity check. These people will hold you up when you cannot quite get there. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Others started right where you are.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are better than that. Continue to act wounded and people will begin to treat you differently, not in a good way. You matter. You are a bright, wonderful, contributing human being who suffers from a condition that makes it difficult to get through the day. Stop acting how you feel, and start acting how you WANT to feel. After a while, your positive attitude will shine.
Living on junk food and reruns on Netflix is not a solution. Sunshine, fresh air, exercise…you need it. You have to keep moving. Your body needs certain vitamins and minerals to be well. Sunshine has vitamin D, which helps with calcium absorption, contributing to bone health. Minimize foods full of sugar, salt, additives, colorants, and preservatives. Incorporate more plant based foods into your diet. If you are not sleeping or sleeping too much, take action.
You need to take care of you. What are your favorite things? Pamper yourself. Meditate, listen to encouraging, uplifting podcasts, or watch TED talks. Shower, brush your hair and change your clothes. Continue to do the things you love. Instead of attempting a big project, break it down into small tasks, and tackle one of those. Personal accomplishment is encouraging.
THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS
Did you know that the way you think, affects the way you feel, which affects the way you act? That is part of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Practice thinking positive outcomes. Think solutions, not problems. Think empathy, not anger. Think success, not failure. Don’t fall down the rabbit hole. Be aware that negative self-talk is defeating. Be the winner you are.
DON’T BE DISCOURAGED
Bottom line is you have a mental health condition that is treatable. Be patient. It takes time to learn new coping skills. Accepting your condition, your capabilities, staying in the now, taking care of yourself, developing a support system, and changing a few habits will have you on the mend. If you don’t take action, nothing will change. Take charge now. YOU are so worth it.
National (US) Helplines and mental health resources:
Hello Friends. Let me introduce myself. My name is Erin Misenar. I am a life coach, a former educator, and a single mom of four kids. I enjoy watching my kids compete in sports and a nice scented candle. I love to share easier ways to get through life. I blog over at www.erinmisenar.com and my instagram handle is @4monkeysss. Here’s to a great new season ahead!
The holidays have a large amount of stress. Whether it is worry, overeating, being tired, not sleeping, or mood swings – everyone has some amount of stress. We need to manage this stress in a way that we can control. So, here are some great ideas in order to make this the best holiday season yet!
Realistic Expectations Our culture makes the holiday season into a joyous occasion. However, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. The holidays shows (and I admit I am a Hallmark movie junkie) portray an illusion that is not real life. Go into the season with an expectation that it will fulfill. If you think this is a bad year because of loss of love, or sadness, don’t think this will be the best year you have. Be kind to yourself and the idea of what the holiday brings. It is ok if you just survive this time of year.
Do not do more than you can handle You do not have to be the one in charge. You do not have to be the one who cooks 3 dozen cookies. You don’t have to give gifts to everyone you have ever met. If you can’t bring yourself to decorate over the top – do not do it! Don’t volunteer for everything this season. Take care to only do what you think is appropriate. Saying no is really saying yes to yourself and your sanity. I like to answer, “No thanks. I’m sure someone else would love the opportunity.” You do not have to give an explanation to anyone about your choices. You control you.
Make a List of What is Important If you take the time to make a list of what you want to accomplish this holiday season – do that and stick to the list. This list should not be one that overwhelms you. If it contains only a few items of what you need to do – stick to that.
Don’t Compare It is so difficult to compare your life to those around you – especially with all the social media. Do not compare your life to someone else’s. You never know what they are experiencing on a daily basis. Don’t feel bad because the photos seem perfect – the fact is that is not how life is. Life is messy.
Spread some cheer If you have the time, it is a great time to volunteer. Or mail a letter to a friend who helped you. Drop off a small gift to a surprise house. Donate a toy to the children’s hospital. Drop off cat food at your local shelter. Do what is easy but it will make you feel better. I love anonymous donations. Or pay for the car behind you in a drive thru. Or just smile at those around you. Smiling will already make you feel better. Spread love all around you.
Support If you need support, get it. There is no shame in talking to someone – whether it is a counselor or life coach or friend. Talk to someone and get the understanding and compassion for what you need. Take care of yourself.
Make Time for Yourself You know I mentioned Hallmark movies earlier? I love them and usually watch them in my alone time for the holidays. Take a bath or take a walk on your own. Do what makes you happy and plan for that time. Being divorced, I have more alone time than I usually want – but I fill that in on things that I enjoy. Get a manicure if it makes you feel better.
Create New Memories If it is a new season in your life – maybe you want to create a different memories. Some old memories are sad. So, start a new one. Start a hot chocolate and talk event. Go caroling. Go out and see Christmas lights and vote on which you like best – we like to leave a gift of a chocolate bar and a note – you are the winner of the lights! – for fun. Go enjoy something new.
Big thank you to Erin for sending over this blog for me to feature about holiday stress! It’s always great working with new people and helping each other out, especially around this time of year. Look for my blog featured on hers as well about your Sunday Morning Classic Rock Playlist. If interested in guest blogging in the future with me, please email me on my contact me page, or visit my Instagram and send me a DM. Thanks!
Another week and another guest blog time! Huge shoutout to this beauty and her willingness to help out with my blog relaunch as I help with hers. October 1 was Mallory’s Thoughts blog relaunch and she decided she wanted to blog and really try and make an impact on others’ lives. We’re here to make that happen. Check out her guest spot below that she wrote and remember to check out her blog as well here.
Hi everyone! Let me introduce myself to you. I’m Mallory and I’m 28. I was born and raised in sunny but hot Florida! I battle with Depression, Anxiety and PTSD. I was diagnosed when I was 16. I haven’t had the easiest life, but it’s made me who I am. My mission in life is to inspire others to stay strong and not to give up. I hope one day to really help someone.
It has taken me 28 years to learn that happiness comes from within. Others always told me that you can’t rely on others to make you happy, that true happiness comes from within yourself. I never believed them until I decided to make this year 2018 MY year and it completely opened my eyes. Below, I’m going to share with you 5 ways I learned how to become truly h a p p y .
1. Let go of your past: Over the years I kept my struggles to myself. I had a mindset that I could over come anything by myself. All I was doing was breaking myself. Last year I went and talked to a therapist and completely unloaded everything to her that I’ve been through. Talked about my depression, my anxiety, PTSD. I told her my experiences that I never told anyone else before. In doing so I FREED myself from the chains of my past that was holding me back. From there, I was able to accepted that I was a “Survivor” and capable of so much. I began to really love myself from there because I knew I could conquer anything. I felt like I had been reborn and that I had this new life ahead of me. I was so happy to be free, it was a whole new level of happiness.
2. Reevaluate your life: I decided to re-evaluated my life and to see who or what was hindering my happiness. I had to say goodbye to some people who meant so much to me but in reality they were just holding me back. Do I miss them? More than you could imagine but it was doing more harm than good to have them in my life. But the happiness I have felt from getting rid of those toxic people is much greater than how much I miss them. I know I’ve made the right call. I’ve re-evaluated my habits and the things I do. I’ve changed around some things to just make my life flow easier. I no longer put up with negative things. I use to give chances out like they were candy, but now I just don’t put up with it.
3. Stop making excuses: I have always wanted to do a 5k. For YEARS I’ve wanted to but for some reason I never did. So last December I finally did one. I had challenges along the way that tried to stop me, but I kept pushing forward and did it. It felt so good. It showed me if you stop making excuses for yourself and do what you want to do it will bring you so much happiness. I have now done 2 5ks and in a week, I’ll be doing my 3rd. I’ve stopped making excuses for myself and if there is something I want to do, I’ll do whatever I need to do to make it happen. I won’t rely on anyone else to do those things for me. If I have to do it alone then so be it. At least I won’t have any regrets.
4. Take control of your life: Before I had the habit of letting people’s opinions of me control my life. I cared way to much about what others thought about me that I stopped going after my goals/dreams. Even though that’s a battle I’m still working on, I have turned down the volume to those voices and raised the volume of my goals/dreams. I can honestly whole heartily say that 2018 has been the greatest year of my life. I have done more for MYSELF and I have chased my goals and completed some of them for the first time in my life. I took control of my life and I’ve been so happy. I have a new fire in me to continue to keep going and make my dreams come true. Again, no one else will do it for me.
5. Make yourself a priority: One of the hardest things I had to do was make myself the first priority. But I did. I put myself first and took care of myself. With that comes the importance of Self Love & Self Care. I learned to listen to my body and not to over do it. If there was something I didn’t want to do, well I didn’t do it. I needed to please myself first and not do things to please others. I took time out each day to do things to take care of myself. For years I always pleased others first and then took care of myself. I needed to change that because I was losing myself. It’s perfectly okay to be selfish from time to time. Make yourself a priority. I can’t stress that enough. Take care of yourself first. It’s really the key to happiness.
It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Welcome back to the world. It seems you’ve been missing for some time now and it just isn’t the same without you. Since you’ve left, there’s been numerous disasters including nuclear invasion and wars across the nation that could have used your help. But you were too busy, weren’t you? Too busy floating out there in space to give a care about your home. Too busy doing who knows with whoever will give you the time of day. Do you think it’s easy to save a planet without its hero? Do you think it’s easy – day to day life knowing that there is no one there to rescue you if something goes wrong?
We constantly live in fear because our world’s hero has gone missing.
But it’s okay – you’re back now, right? You’re here to stay? I should hope you would be. 1300 years gone with no one to care about us and all of a sudden the prodigal child of the Gods has returned without any notion of where he went and what he did this whole time? Please tell me how that makes sense. Tell me that you’ve been caught up in another world caring for their people and not just running away and hiding from everyone and everything. Tell me that you ran into some issues and had to defeat the monster that is the government on another planet and straighten them out before returning to us. Tell me that everything was okay for you and that you never did forget about us. We’ve missed the hero of our world. Was there another world so much better than ours that you decided to leave and not help us?
This nuclear fusion needs you. We need you. We can’t win this one without you anymore. We are burning and drowning at the same time. We tried calling out for help, but for 700 years with no such luck and our hero gone, we had no choice but to give up all hope and try to trust in each other. We are at war because we trusted in ourselves as a nation.
Was this a lesson?
Was this your way of telling your people that we need to be sufficient in our own actions and that you can’t – and won’t – be there all the time to help us? If this was a lesson or a test, well played. But now your people are dying. More than half of your world is gone, and you have the audacity to return and show no remorse?
What ails our hero?
What happened out there?
This is to the man who made me believe.
This is to the man who made me believe I was the “apple of his eye.”
This is to the man who made me believe I could do no wrong.
This is to the man who made me believe forever was too short – that we would be together to infinity and beyond.
Nearly four years ago, I had met you at a sporting event with friends in tow. You were skinny, wearing hip hugging jeans and skate shoes. You had the shaggiest sandy hair one could ever imagine, driving your Mitsubishi Evo, showing you were “all that.” You were everything I had been looking for. Someone with a job, a goal oriented mind, you knew how to handle your money. You were smart and everything fit like a glove. There was always something to talk about, always something going on that we both enjoyed. Your friends were my friends. My friends were your friends. Everything was exactly the way we wanted.
We spent weekends together at your house. Cuddled all night in your room on that stupid futon (we almost broke a few times).. We would play video games, have friends over, go for food; then come back and stay on the couch all day through the night.
There were rough patches, like any couple. We fought. Words were said that neither of us meant to say. I left you.
We didn’t talk. I eventually learned how to live my life without you during that break. We conversed through email when we could, even though you wouldn’t text me. Often I wondered, what had happened to you, where are you, how are you? What did our distance do to change you from who I thought you were?
You lost a family member, your grandmother. You hurt. Away from you, I hurt, she loves us together and wanted to see us happy. We both lost something, but we couldn’t share it.
But there you were again after, saying hello.
You were drunk, very drunk, the first night we hung out. It was a surprise to your friends to see me, I didn’t mind. I loved them too.
The weight you had gained was troublesome to me, I didn’t know you this way. All those nights of ordering pizza and wings… it showed. But looks are not why I was attracted to you. The way you made me feel was always the best, it made me desire to see you again and hope.
We worked, quite well for a while, but the fights came back. Many rumors were spread, and some were true. We stopped seeing each other again.
Though the pain and troubles there were times we found each other, unofficially but true. You didn’t want to date again until you were sure nothing could go wrong, when everything seemed right. Your company picnic was incredible, our summer with everyone together was better the second summer around.
One night in Winter when I introduced you to a friend of mine, we all had some great beers, he couldn’t drive home so I had took him home from your house at three am. On my way taking him home, you sent me a message: “Is he okay? You’re amazing. I love you.”
That was the first time you had said that to me since when I lost you many months ago. I was overjoyed. I was happy. Everything was going to work out, be perfect. That was the night you wanted to be with me again.
Immediately, you changed. You moved, you found a new high paying job, you lost interest in or common bonds. There was no more cuddling, you didn’t allow me to share a bed with you, and I couldn’t stay over, I couldn’t even hold you hand.
There were no dates for us to go on, except to get food that I paid for and things that interested only you.
Then came the lies. You started lying more and more – to me and to yourself. You didn’t want to do anything for me, or “us” anymore. It was always about you, never about us, NEVER about me.
Everything went downhill. We fought more, and we were never intimate. You were afraid of sex, because you were afraid of children. Condoms and me being on the pill, it was not enough for you to reach out and love me physically. This hurt as much as anything, that we could not connect romantically while dating.
The man I once loved was not the same man.
The man I loved was still a man, but not a child, broken and unwilling to change. The highlight of your life was drinking excessively every Saturday, and ignoring everyone he “loves” on Sunday.
We split, again. This time it didn’t seem salvageable. But as a friend, I still cleaned up after your drunken escapades, because I cared and you needed someone to do it. For me, it was to show you I care, and make sure you were ok.
I still cared.
I haven’t seen you in person for more than a month, It still feels weird to me.
You were my best friend You still are a friend, or you could be. You told me we are “better this way due to all the issues you had with relationships and the constant flirting with other girls while we were dating.” Is that what a relationship meant to you? It wasn’t to me.
You didn’t even try to be a friend to me, it was always me trying – in the relationship and after when I was told I was to be just a friend. Even that, you couldn’t. You wouldn’t. You refused.
I don’t know what happened. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve to be blamed for everything. I didn’t deserve to be kept waiting for when you needed me.
It hurts that I haven’t heard from you in a long time. I hurts that in your eyes, I don’t even exist.
After everything, I would still drop it all if you needed a friend. The truth is, I can’t hate you. No matter how much I want to hate you and never talk to you again; I can’t.
I want you to feel the pain I went through. I want you to look at your dinner one night and not be able to eat it because it was my favorite meal and it reminded you of me. I don’t want that at all.
I deserve better than a half-assed friend. I deserve the friend who met me and wooed me and let me believe I was bound for better. I deserve the friend who was always there, and you do too.
To love someone who once made me believe I was the one for you, and now you believe I was everything wrong for you… that is what hurts.
This isn’t an apology, this isn’t acceptance, this isn’t a plea, and this isn’t an attempt at something new. But it is my time to reflect and know we both could have been better. I’m choosing that road, for me, and knowing we’ll likely not be together again, I hope you choose that road too and we can find ourselves again as the friends we once were somewhere along the way.
I will always love you, but first I will always love me.
Originally published on Thought Catalog.
And here’s why…
Every single other Social Media outlet had the on the minute reports of what was happening, I didn’t even need to tune in to any TV channel or click on a link to see that it was messed up in every way. I mean Kanye for President in 2020? Who wants to see that? Everyone will probably leave the country and be happier in my opinion, but that’s just me. I personally don’t think he’d be a “good” President, especially if he’s getting stoned at award shows and dressing like how he did. What kind of outfit is that when his wife is dolled up like that in a dress and he’s in a pant suit made of what looked like sweat material or something? I mean, he could have atleast smiled when pics were being taken, and atleast Kim’s dress looked a little more fancy than the rags he wore. They have how much money and can’t dress up in nicer clothes?
Anywho. I’m sitting at the drivers license center in town and I’ve been here an hour already. I should be working and making money but no, I have to sit here and wait to pay to get a license. This is ridiculous. It’s the day after a holiday and everyone should be at work again, not here. And of course you know, there were 4 people now there’s 2 for some reason. I came here at C656 and they’re only on C706 and I’m C734. This is absurd. They should have more people here to help out with this crowd. Not to mention they’re rude (the people who take the photos) and tell everyone wrong information. If you actually look up the Google reviews for this location, it’s only a 2.5☆ because of how rude the people are. Not even joking.
I have to run to Target after this to see if they still have those clearance desks so I can have a better work space to work on. Something cleaner and nicer for once instead of the glass desk. It’s a pain in the ass to clean as it is because if the fur from the kitties so I need something wood that’s easier. And if I got 2 desks and put them together, it’s 80″ long for 50$ and that’s not too bad right? I know they’ll fit because I have a 60″ desk right now about. And plenty of room for more.
*Side note* Target did have them, but not in the all black color I wanted so I got the brown and black ones and they turned out pretty well actually. I think I made the right choice and it was only 45 bucks after clearance and 5$ coupon I had and I’m pleased with them. I took some time off from writing this because well, the DMV went well and then Target went well and I worked the rest of the day. Now I’m back to working… I think atleast. I’ve been working since 9am today and I feel like if I hear or see another NYCONT number I’m going to throw up something nasty.
In this segment, I’d like to talk about Rhett and Link and the Mythical Beasts. I was recently introduced to them and I don’t know why I didn’t hear about them sooner. They’re always good for a laugh and a natural “wtf” reaction in any of their videos. I’ve been binge watching them and I think I could watch them forever. And I do have to admit that Link’s concoction of frosted mini wheats and peanut butter is actually really really good, even for breakfast when you have a headache and need all that sugar intake. That’s what I’ve been having for the past week and my gosh is it amazing. I think I could live off peanut butter like Link could. I think we’re twinsies. No, seriously, I think we are.
Moving on, I think it’s about time this one ends and another begins. More later, like always.
I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’ve been meaning to, I just find it harder and harder to function daily with the recent job loss and other things going on in my life. I can honestly say, I’m not happy with where my life is right now, and I need to do something about it. I can’t find a job for the life of me in this area, but I’m trying. I have all the qualifications for Office work and I don’t know why these people aren’t calling me back for jobs when I clearly am a good fit for most if not all of them. Even through the Unemployment website I’ve been applying and looking and doing everything I can recently. It’s just not fair sometimes. I wish things were easier, but then it wouldn’t be called life I guess. There are alot of things I have been wishing for recently, but none of it seems to be going my way at all and it’s starting to become frustrating beyond belief.
I wish so called “friends” were actually friends to me. I’m not a second choice and I’m not an after thought. I am the first choice or you don’t give an ultimatum. If you’re my friend, you wouldn’t say “Yeah, sure, if I’m not going over so and so’s house or doing something else.” If I’m asking you, it means yes or no, not to decide after your better something can’t hang out or you can’t do something else.
I wish people realized that I’m a good person. I’m not stupid, retarded, crazy or any other things that people make me out to be. So I like texting, big whoop. Get over yourself and grow up and answer when I talk to you or something. Get over it. Can’t talk to you or see you in any other way so I’m sorry that the only communication I have with some people is through the phone. And people nowadays don’t even want to talk on the phone or god forbid video chat. What is wrong with people these days? Stop throwing excuses at me and be a damn friend to me.
I wish there were more jobs available and that people would see that I am a good fit for a lot of the ones that are posted that I reply to. I shouldn’t have to go chasing for anything at all. That’s not how this works. I apply, I follow up, I expect an answer whether it’s a yes or no. Ignorance is not my friend, and especially in the work place of any kind. I don’t care if it’s a grocery store or an office job or I’m your manager. You answer me when I talk to you and in a polite fashion as well.
I wish I got treated with more respect than what I’m given. To be perfectly honest, alot of people don’t realize that when life knocks you down, it’s very hard to get back up without the help of friends or family. To put someone even farther in the ground when they’re already down is just not going to help them get back up. Reach a hand out and help who’s even down and maybe one day something nice will happen for you. I’m always the one helping people it seems and I hardly ever get anything in return from those I help or those that mean most to me. It seems I have bad choice in people, because when I would gladly take a bullet for someone, they wouldn’t do so for me, unless it’s my mom. And that I know. But yet, I continue to help people. It’s my downfall. And I never get anything back for it even in the kindness of a thank you or something else of the like.
I wish I could find a job in design or photography or something that I love doing. I haven’t been able to locate anything here and it’s not a big city. I don’t have the money to move to a big city and live there just to find a job that’s just going to support rent and nothing else. It’s almost pointless for me to go back to school now really to get anything new completed unless it’s an online course or certification of some sorts. But that is one option for me really.
Am I loud and clear, or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm, or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?
I’ll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let’s compare scars, I’ll tell you whose is worse
Let’s unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I’ll slave till the end,
I won’t cross these streets until you hold my hand
I’ve been here so long, I think that it’s time to move
The winter’s so cold, summer’s over too soon
Let’s pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
I’ve got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we’ve had some times, I wouldn’t trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go
Been at this now for awhile. Nothing’s going to get accomplished by writing and blabbering on here unless someone decides to be a friend and want to talk to me about what’s bothering me really. I maybe have a select few people I actually tell everything to. And even those people shouldn’t be told things because they just use them against me all the time anyway.
|| Koral Dawn ||