Tag Archives: kitties

When The Warm Wind Comes Again

My beloved do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily- How can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours? I’m still proud of what we were; no pain remains no feelings – eternity awaits. Grant me wings that I may fly.

Back at Barnes and Nobles again on a Friday night because I have no life and it gets me out of the house for the moment. I’m still listening to the same album from yesterday unfortunately. It soothes me and makes me feel happy to some extent; even though half of it makes me want to cry half the time because of the lyrics.. isn’t it obvious? They’re meaningful and I can relate to them a lot. (If you’re confused as to which album it is, it’s VNV Nation with the Babelsberg Film Orchestra – Resonance. I love orchestral pieces, and would like to go see another soon. I need to find me someone who wants to go to Broadway with me and see some plays. I tree up roaming the city and I miss it. I wish I could live there and work there. I’d make a perfect New Yorker in my opinion. I love people and I love the city. Too bad it’s so damn expensive. Maybe now that I no longer have to rely on someone and can do what my brain wants for once, I can try to look for a job in the city and move there and finally do what I want to do. That’s just a thought. Any city really… but New York is ideal for me since I can always take a train home and leave my car with mom.. that’s what I wanted to do from the start but it never got to that point and then things shifted and I moved to PA. Not saying I regret that at all.. I’ve met all the people I know today by moving here and giving up all those fake friends in NJ.. I’m glad I was able to move to a place outside my comfort zone – I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m kind of shoved in a corner right now at Barnes and Nobles – I’ve made my nest and there are people all around me. I’m glad I’ve got my headphones on though – it drowns out het they’re saying because they’re disturbing my mental ability to put words together here for this post. There are definitely more people here than last night – and now there’s a baby crying next to me… Help. No bueno, no babies. Ugh. No wonder I never want any kids. I can’t even stand other peoples… unless I can give them back at the end of the day. I love them… when they’re not mine to take home. And for some reason they love me. I worked at a day camp for years, and I loved all the kids there but I would never never in a million years take any of them home with me or want to. They were the brattiest most annoying children ever with hardly any supervision. Every now and then you’d get a good kid who was quiet and not annoying at all and then hope seemed to be restored. But then – demon child from hell. Not something I wanted to deal with when taking them home. I’ve known for awhile now I never want children. And I was lucky enough to find someone who didn’t want them either.. now that they’re gone, I feel its going to be hard to find someone else that never wants children either. And truthfully does not want any, not just because they love me; but because that’s what they want as well.

I’ve moved now to my bed and have stopped writing for the night. It’s now Sunday night and 8pm. I’m sitting in bed doing nothing but this and Friends on TV. Romeo is sitting here staring at me, Moomoo is sleeping on my purse that’s on my bed. Tonight’s hard for me. He admitted he missed me and loved me, which is great.. but still refuses to act like a human adult and talk about problems and work on what we have. I want to know if I’m wasting my time. I don’t like wasting my time on things that will go nowhere. I have a life to live and I can’t keep putting my life on hold for everyone and everything. If nothing is better by April, I am then looking to move to another state again and start over and cut ties to everyone and everything.. I’ve thought about this recently more than I’d like to, but I think sometimes you just need to pick up and leave and not look back. Those that miss you will let you know and be there for you and those that don’t will show it by not making themselves present at all in your life. I already found out who my friends were once, I guess I’ll find that out again if I leave this area. I’ve not much left to give and I’m tired of wasting my time. Once my lease is up, over the summer maybe, and I can save up some money maybe.. I can leave and move on finally.

I shouldn’t be feeling like shit all the time; and I deserve to live. After all, I’m only 26 and I want to travel. Granted I don’t have much money but I want to be able to go where I want. I’ve thought about buying or renting an RV, packing up life and getting rid of everything I own and travel cross country with the Meows and see what happens. I wish I could just get up and leave and go somewhere far away like my friend Jessica did. She moved from Seattle to Australia and has been traveling ever since and I envy her so much. She is truly living life the way I want to I just don’t have the financial means and I will never give up my Meows for anything. They are what’s been holding me back from a lot- they are the glue that makes me sane and hold my head together. I’d be even more miserable without them. More and more I think about leaving and traveling.. it becomes the first thing in my mind when I wake up every day. Thinking – I just want to leave everything and not have to deal with anything ever again. I would worry about me myself and I .. and the meows because meow. Maybe one day – I just hope I’m not too old to handle myself. I want to do it young; and I wouldn’t mind having someone come with me.

Your hearts were never made of stone. Rise up you earth bound demons; rise up before me now and fight. Your time has finally come. Take me back before the years and memories … before the hourglass has drained; before the colors start to fade.

Give Me These Moments Back

It’s about 10PM on a Thursday night. I’m sitting on the couch on my laptop for once updating it finally and I have nothing to do. I have racked my brain for this entire week with job applications, interviews, and other things, and I need a break. I think my brain may explode if I do anything else today. I haven’t been able to sleep much recently either. I’m exhausted, but can’t fall asleep. Strange thing, you know, life? People float in and out of your life at the most random times and tonight, I’m seeing alot of that from everyone I associate with. One night they’re there to talk to, and open up to me, and the next they completely disappear for hours on end and don’t say a word. Well, my days go on and on without you here my dear.

Sometimes, I feel like just taking a bow and leaving everything behind and running away. Only sometimes though. Just me and the kitties and whatever money I have left and leaving or selling everything I own for more cash… and just going. It seems like a valuable option because at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. I don’t think I have much left here except a few people that I’d like to be around for a long time to come. And I highly doubt the one person I want to come with me will… but I’m not sure. I haven’t asked, but I’m certain the answer would be no or “good luck” and that’s it. I’m afraid to ask, even though I know we would want to.

I’m really starting to be bummed out about all this shit going on lately. My mind’s on overdrive right now and I’m not sure what to do anymore. Half of me is like eff this I’ll go home, and the other half, if not more, is like hell no, you need to do this the right way and not give up. Well, I’m almost at the point of giving up… and I hate to say that because I’ll be letting alot of people down including myself. I just hope I find a job I like soon. So far, there is nothing, and I can’t afford to live in the city with what I really am good at… Social Media or photography. There are jobs all OVER the place in places such as Dallas and NYC and California… but I can’t just up and leave and go… as much much much as I would. I really would.

I’m listening to Greg Laswell on my phone and man, do I love him. I owe that to Jim and a big thank you to him for introducing me to his music. While it’s sad and depressing it kind of makes me smile when I listen to him too. It’s odd, but I’m not complaining. There’s a quote at the bottom of this of mixed lyrics from him that mean something to me. I’ve been listening to him all night now and I can’t stop. They’re like the new Poets of The Fall for me, and that’s saying something because POTF is my favorite band still to this day and I get laughed at it sometimes for it.

I know this blog is really scatterbrained tonight, but that’s how my mind is alot of the time and I don’t even know how I deal with it sometimes, let alone other people and my close friends. I don’t know how I’m even enjoyable sometimes, to be honest. I’ve been so shitty lately and sad and miserable because of the stupidest things.. and I hate myself for it. Maybe I need to just get up and start one day like it’s going to be the best day ever and see what happens. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. The people I want to be with, don’t want to be with me, and the one I don’t want to be with want’s to be with me. How ironic? I’m not really sure  what to make of anything anymore. I’m so frustrated, and so overwhelmed by everything these days and so stressed out, and I know I really shouldn’t be. I wish I were happier all the time like some people I know around here. Maybe I do need to move and leave everything. Maybe I just need a fresh start. Be farther away from family because well, apparently, I’m not thought of much and when I am, the only people who still seem to care are Poppop and my mom so it would seem. Two is better than none, I’d say though.

Laswell

I might be gone a little while. I guess we’ll see. I have to make a home out of something… I should probably say that I’m unsure why I’m running away from the one thing that I love. Maybe down the road, I’ll see you in a blur.

Cheers,

xoxox

||Koral Dawn||

Thoughts of The Day January 07, 2015

Laying here in bed at about 1030 at night trying to sleep already. Browsing Tumblr because what else is there to do really? I’m trying to go to bed but that’s been a fail from this cough I have going on. It’s about 0 degrees outside right now. I feel bad for the kitties that are outside all over in the area. But that just shows you what a caring person I am. I even put a blanket outside and some food hoping they’ll take shelter. I’m such a sap. And a good person.
image

Some food for thought I guess.

I’ve been watching Harry Potter since the new year. I just keep falling asleep a d watch the same one over and over toll I see every part. So each movie takes about 3 days or until I get bored. Or actually, until the menu song gets on my nerves and wakes me up in the middle of the night. Been there done that before with plenty of movies. I need like a multiple DVD changer for my room so I don’t have to get up.
I just painted my nails. They’re a blue color but I’m not sure I like them this way. I might go over them with a silver and magnetize them. That might be cool.. we’ll see.
OHHHHH this is the movie where I just want to kill this bitch. Umbridge. Must. Die. If there was one person I would choose to burn with fire or thrown into a volcano. That happy stupid smile of hers and chipper voice, also those ugly bright pink outfits of hers… makes me want to punch someone. Anyway. I do love the later movies as their quality got better as they went on.

Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and above all, those who live without love.

Cheers.
xoxox

||KoralDawn||

Just Floating On By.

Well, a few weeks have passed since I’ve written. Sorry about that. Things have been going on, life gets in the way, you know the deal. I’ve been in a decent mood recently. I just found out that Chris Hemsworth from Thor and The Avengers is going to be in Philly June 1st for Comic Con and well, guess who’s going to go meet him and get a picture with him.. This girl right here because she can. You have no idea how much this news makes me feel. I am so ecstatic, I think I’m going to die. Yes, I am TOTALLY fangirling right now, but I can’t help it. I would love love to meet him.. and so would a bunch of other girls, I know that much. I’m only going to go for one day, however. I can’t afford to go all weekend and stuff, and plus I don;t know too many people in Philly. 

I finally got DirectTV so I can watch the hockey games and catch up on all the shows. That’s another good thing that’s happened recently. Jim and myself haven’t gotten in any fights recently, knock on wood. I hope we don’t. I like what’s going on right now. I like how it is for now. Things are just going smoothly for once. And that’s how it should be. 

I finally got to hang out with a really good friend of mine who I haven’t seen since I went to Kutztown basically. It was so so nice to see her for a change. And I know she was happy to see me. She did my hair for me :] It’s now red and black. But a bright red, that you can actually see o.O and it looks amazing! She’s one out of two people who know how me and Jim were in the beginning and seeing her this past weekend just brought back memories that I’m not sure I really wanted to remember. It just made me sad kind of.But I’ll just have to deal with it I guess. I’ve come to deal with alot these days.

But anyway. Things have been going alright. Besides the fact that I really need to stop spending money on stuff… I know right? I have a problem with money, but that’s alright. I’ll make money somehow. As long as I have this job, I’ll be alright. I might start looking for a new job though. Something that pays better. Who knows. Maybe I’ll take up stripping… loljk. I’m not pretty enough for that crap, nor will I stoop that low to make money. (I hate people that do that)

This weekend should be fun, I guess. Hopefully. I may get to relax alot since Jeremy and Jim will be diggin holes in Minecraft all weekend.. -_- boys. Haha. So I have to go do laundry and house stuff like that. Cleaning and buying a new vacuum for the house since mine always smells like it’s going to burn or blow up everytime I try and vacuum up the cat hair. 

Off to do more work things… I really need a vacation. I say that alot, don’t I?