Tag Archives: missing

The Phoenix

2017 was a big year for me. Let’s run through some highlights:

  1. I re-found my best friend and we started dating back in May of this year. It was perhaps by accident and totally not planned but it took him awhile to decide if thats what we truly were supposed to be. Turns out, it was.
  2. We got engaged in the very end of September at our favorite place and where we had our first official date nearly 3.5 years ago at the Bloomsburg Fair in PA.
  3. I got a major promotion with the company I worked for at the time in July, and became a work from home person starting August 1. I now am a #bossbitch and work for the government creating content and social media copy for the Defense Health Agency and Department of Defense.
  4. That job landed me (and the fiancé) in Washington State for December 1 working on Joint Base Lewis-McChord for DHA Connected Health. The Pacific Northwest is great, so far. Even though we have MUCH to explore and things to be seen come spring and summer. I’m very excited.
  5. We were fortunate enough to drive across the country from PA to WA in November right after Thanksgiving and made it in 4 days, with enough time to stop at House On The Rock in Wisconsin even and spend some time there to gawk and the insanity that it is. While on the way out, I got to meet some of his family in Montana, and my god, that state is the prettiest state I’ve ever been in. #BigSkyCountry is the place to drive through in fall and summer.
  6. I can now mark quite a few states off my list that I’ve visited and they aren’t all on the east coast anymore. Hooray! An updated list of states I’ve visited so far: New Jersey, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, New Hampshire, Delaware, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Florida, Wisconsin, North Dakota, Montana, Nevada, Washington, Idaho, Washington DC, Virginia, Maryland, Louisiana and Minnesota. 
  7. Mom came and visited (already!) for Christmas and had a great few days with her. It was great to see someone, even though I wasn’t away for that long from my friends and family. I can’t wait until she brings me my kitties in the spring… I think thats part of the reason I am semi depressed.

Things are going pretty good. Helping my partner get passion back in his life is the hardest part right now. We’re both a bit under the weather and depressed and thought maybe this would help with the move, but so far, it’s just remained the same and maybe even potentially gotten a bit worse. I’m not too worried though. We’re still in the beginning and we have a lot to get done still including finishing setting up the apartment and finding him a job yet. I’m also in the market for a car, so I’m hoping that falls into place soon. Sadly, I sold Hannah at the end of December, but it was time for an upgrade and possibly a more adult car… (like I said, possibly.)

Things have a way of working out. Even though I miss my friends and family, I know some of them will be out in time to see me (and us) its just a matter of when. I feel that if I keep those close to me, I’ll slowly break from the depression I might be feeling these days. I’ll get used to it out here… soon.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned is sometimes a part of you must die. It’s what separates the newer version of us from the old. If you have ever been in the limbo of death and rebirth you know how hard it can be. To let go and say goodbye to a part of you, so a new and better part can grow.

We should strive to be like the Phoenix when we need to. To die and rise from the ashes of what we once were. We must say Goodbye, so we can say Hello.

Love Always,

Koral Dawn

My Life In 5 Years

Picture it: Huge cactus next to the back porch, dirt for a driveway. Over-hang on the front of the door with an attractive bistro table set up. Community pool staring you in the face every day as you sit in the front of your house. You wander inside for a mixed drink from your mini bar that you made the night before and had extra of. Grab your favorite book and wide brimmed hat and head back outside to wait for your friend to get home. Putting your headphones in, you get a call from someone back home wondering how you are, and where you’ve gone. You tell them not to worry and that you’re living your life to the fullest where you should have been in the first place. You tell them that they should make a journey to visit or that they should get with the times and video chat you so you can show them everything you’ve accomplished the last few years. You tell them, “Sometimes you need to leave everything behind to start the next chapter in your life to experience new horizons.” It’s been a few years since you’ve been back home, and part of you feels no repentance for leaving everything you left behind. While you miss your family and friends back there, especially your mother and grandparents, there’s no other way you’d have wanted to spend your early 30’s than adventuring out west.

Cut back to a few years ago at 27 Years Old – you decide to tell everyone that you’re out. Done and gone with everything and everyone on the east coast and are in search of adventure. You’re in search of a job you love and a place you can call home. It’s the end of the summer and you’re not ready for it to be cold again over in the PA Mountains. You just want dirt and sun and some Death Valley vibes. You’re determined to do this on your own, and if anyone should follow, then you’ll at least have some company. At the time of commencement, you’ve found no one to adventure with you, but you’re still determined to leave it all behind and go forth with the new adventure that is your life. Different climate, different time zone and different people all around you. Maybe you’ll meet someone great out there and learn to grow as a person. But of course, these are all maybes, as this is never guaranteed.

You’ll throw everything out you own and make everything new when you get out there. Your mom will fly out there to meet you with your precious kitties so they too can have a better life. They wouldn’t like the car ride, and you’ll have to take your car out there with you, of course – so you can get to your new job as an Internet Brand Ambassador. The only thing you’d need to send out there for certain is the mattress you have that you love so much. If IKEA is a thing out there, that I’ve now confirmed that there is one out there, that’s where you’ll go to revamp everything in the apartment, including a mini bar for wine like you’ve always wanted.

Things can only go up from here, right? You’ve put up with so much the last few years – from dating someone who you almost firmly believe is gay, to moving all around and being stood up by people who you thought were your friends and now staying at a job you hate because you need to be able to afford to live and have a place to call home. When do things get better? When do things get easier for someone who struggles daily? When is your break? Your break comes when you are ready. Your break comes when you stand up and tell yourself you’ve had enough and you need a change. Break up with that person who wasn’t making you happy. Worry about yourself and not what others do. If they don’t give you the time of day – they’re not your friend and never were to begin with. Get rid of those folks in your life that don’t benefit you in every single way that you need them to. You’re who matters in this life, not anyone else that is not beneficial to your life. It’s time to do you – and it’s time to move to a new location, with new everything to start over. Every now and then it just has to be done. 

Time with yourself is the most treasured time there is – and that time is now. 

XOXOX

Koral Dawn

When The Warm Wind Comes Again

My beloved do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily- How can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours? I’m still proud of what we were; no pain remains no feelings – eternity awaits. Grant me wings that I may fly.

Back at Barnes and Nobles again on a Friday night because I have no life and it gets me out of the house for the moment. I’m still listening to the same album from yesterday unfortunately. It soothes me and makes me feel happy to some extent; even though half of it makes me want to cry half the time because of the lyrics.. isn’t it obvious? They’re meaningful and I can relate to them a lot. (If you’re confused as to which album it is, it’s VNV Nation with the Babelsberg Film Orchestra – Resonance. I love orchestral pieces, and would like to go see another soon. I need to find me someone who wants to go to Broadway with me and see some plays. I tree up roaming the city and I miss it. I wish I could live there and work there. I’d make a perfect New Yorker in my opinion. I love people and I love the city. Too bad it’s so damn expensive. Maybe now that I no longer have to rely on someone and can do what my brain wants for once, I can try to look for a job in the city and move there and finally do what I want to do. That’s just a thought. Any city really… but New York is ideal for me since I can always take a train home and leave my car with mom.. that’s what I wanted to do from the start but it never got to that point and then things shifted and I moved to PA. Not saying I regret that at all.. I’ve met all the people I know today by moving here and giving up all those fake friends in NJ.. I’m glad I was able to move to a place outside my comfort zone – I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m kind of shoved in a corner right now at Barnes and Nobles – I’ve made my nest and there are people all around me. I’m glad I’ve got my headphones on though – it drowns out het they’re saying because they’re disturbing my mental ability to put words together here for this post. There are definitely more people here than last night – and now there’s a baby crying next to me… Help. No bueno, no babies. Ugh. No wonder I never want any kids. I can’t even stand other peoples… unless I can give them back at the end of the day. I love them… when they’re not mine to take home. And for some reason they love me. I worked at a day camp for years, and I loved all the kids there but I would never never in a million years take any of them home with me or want to. They were the brattiest most annoying children ever with hardly any supervision. Every now and then you’d get a good kid who was quiet and not annoying at all and then hope seemed to be restored. But then – demon child from hell. Not something I wanted to deal with when taking them home. I’ve known for awhile now I never want children. And I was lucky enough to find someone who didn’t want them either.. now that they’re gone, I feel its going to be hard to find someone else that never wants children either. And truthfully does not want any, not just because they love me; but because that’s what they want as well.

I’ve moved now to my bed and have stopped writing for the night. It’s now Sunday night and 8pm. I’m sitting in bed doing nothing but this and Friends on TV. Romeo is sitting here staring at me, Moomoo is sleeping on my purse that’s on my bed. Tonight’s hard for me. He admitted he missed me and loved me, which is great.. but still refuses to act like a human adult and talk about problems and work on what we have. I want to know if I’m wasting my time. I don’t like wasting my time on things that will go nowhere. I have a life to live and I can’t keep putting my life on hold for everyone and everything. If nothing is better by April, I am then looking to move to another state again and start over and cut ties to everyone and everything.. I’ve thought about this recently more than I’d like to, but I think sometimes you just need to pick up and leave and not look back. Those that miss you will let you know and be there for you and those that don’t will show it by not making themselves present at all in your life. I already found out who my friends were once, I guess I’ll find that out again if I leave this area. I’ve not much left to give and I’m tired of wasting my time. Once my lease is up, over the summer maybe, and I can save up some money maybe.. I can leave and move on finally.

I shouldn’t be feeling like shit all the time; and I deserve to live. After all, I’m only 26 and I want to travel. Granted I don’t have much money but I want to be able to go where I want. I’ve thought about buying or renting an RV, packing up life and getting rid of everything I own and travel cross country with the Meows and see what happens. I wish I could just get up and leave and go somewhere far away like my friend Jessica did. She moved from Seattle to Australia and has been traveling ever since and I envy her so much. She is truly living life the way I want to I just don’t have the financial means and I will never give up my Meows for anything. They are what’s been holding me back from a lot- they are the glue that makes me sane and hold my head together. I’d be even more miserable without them. More and more I think about leaving and traveling.. it becomes the first thing in my mind when I wake up every day. Thinking – I just want to leave everything and not have to deal with anything ever again. I would worry about me myself and I .. and the meows because meow. Maybe one day – I just hope I’m not too old to handle myself. I want to do it young; and I wouldn’t mind having someone come with me.

Your hearts were never made of stone. Rise up you earth bound demons; rise up before me now and fight. Your time has finally come. Take me back before the years and memories … before the hourglass has drained; before the colors start to fade.

I Don’t Believe It’s True

It’s been over a month since I’ve written.
A series of events has happened that led me to be absent including moving to a different apartment in record time because of roommate issues. Should I feel sorry? I think not. I need to do what’s best for me, always and every single time.
I’ve been beating myself up alot recently over the smallest things ever and that’s not healthy. I want to share with you something I posted to Facebook not too long ago.

Sitting on my back porch, listening to music, watching the stars between the cloud cover; wishing someone was here with me that actually likes cuddling and star watching.

I know I keep saying its better to be single, but to be honest, I miss all that cute stuff. Someone who sends me good mornings every day before they even get out of bed and go to work, someone who will take me out for surprise ice cream treats, someone who doesn’t get tired of me and can text me all the time and not get annoyed by thinking I’m “needy.”  Someone who takes me for me and not tell me to do certain things just to be able to talk to me. Someone who asks to hang out on a regular basis.

I’ve been a miserable schmuck lately and I hate it. Now living alone, which is great, it gets lonely still sometimes. I don’t want to get stuck in Wilkes Barre forever. I really want to leave next year, and hop on a train or bus to a new state and find happiness for myself. I’ll be 25 this year, and I don’t know what makes me happy.

Each day that passes, I get closer and closer to just packing up essentials and kitties, selling everything and finding a new state to set myself in, where no one knows my name.

Maybe this needs to happen, because I think I should know who I am by now, but I don’t.

I’m still sitting on that porch, and its now very late at night and I don’t know how I feel about anything anymore. I know I need to pack up and leave. I can’t bring myself to do it though. I need companionship, I need love. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter.

I’m falling behind on everything in life. Photos, art, having fun, stargazing for no reason… All of that is more enjoyable with someone you know and love. And I want someone to give me a reason to stay here in PA. Someone to tell me that they need me around and want me around for some time still and that they’re not ready to say goodbye. I haven’t been taking the time to do the things I love to do. I’m always sitting around being lazy, and I hate it. I really do. I need to step up and be better. For myself and for whoever may come my way and actually be there for me.

It’s now 130 in the morning and I still can’t sleep for anything. Always I have a few people to talk to right now who are also night owls so that’s a plus I guess. Others are stupid and passed out cold or busy or something else. At least Romeow is here to keep me company. He’s the best kitty in the world. MooMoo is of course adorable too, but I wish she’d let me pick her up or something and hold her. She hates everyone that walks in the door. Not like it’s many people but still. I guess I should go to bed. Before I forget to save this and it gets deleted like the last time.

Cheers,
xoxox
||Koral♡Dawn||

Realization, Friendship and Anything In Between

You always told me to “blog about my feelings instead of bitching” well, here you go. 

So going back through whatever happened the last night or two in my head… I don’t know what to think anymore. And if you want listen tome otherwise, maybe you’ll listen here and actually give me an answer. Everyone always winds up leaving me in my life. All my guy friends, all my girl friends… except for maybe three; You, Sam and Vanessa. I guess I never really knew how to be your friend after dating you because there was always room for either error or change, but even maybe hope. I hung on to the fact that we might eventually work out one day… I guess I was wrong. I guess I was too hung up on the fact that I had such strong feelings for you, that maybe one day you’ll return them to me again like it was in the beginning. Again… I guess I was wrong. Last night, alot of things were said to me that hurt my feelings, and of course that’s what’s going to stick out in my mind and be on the top of my head, because I’ve never been called “psychotic” or a “cunt” or even maybe a “bitch” by anyone else, or maybe it’s just because no one else ever had the balls to say it to my face… who knows really anymore.. But more importantly; I was told I was being a bad friend, and that I didn’t know HOW to really be a friend to you. And for that; I’m sorry. You said that I deserve to have that one friend by my side… and I thought  you were going to be and still be that friend to me… that I’m so used to everyone walking away from me that I don’t know what to do when someone actually stays… well you’re right. You finally did it. You decided to actually break me down, in half, and tell me what was wrong with me. I guess I should be thanking you in a way. Because I now know what I have to do to change, or to be “Koral” again as you say. I guess my downfall would be that I am way too nice to everyone and I always get taken advantage of, not just with you, but with everyone. I let them walk all over me; and then when I need help… I don’t get anything in return. I am a doormat for dirty feet who’s there to help but never be helped. While it took me just about an hour to write this because my hand hurts to move much; I’m realizing that maybe I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but that maybe people change and things happen and some people just don’t click well anymore together… I don’t want to be those people anymore. I want to be friends, and I want to be happy. I’m sitting here at work basically bawling my eyes out having everyone wonder what the fuck is wrong with me… That’s not good for work, and it’s not good for me. I haven;t been right in the head since last night. I didn’t expect you to be all cheery and happy 8 hours later; but you didn’t have to go around acting like absolutely nothing happened last night. I didn’t ignore everything you said to me last night, it actually did sink in to me that wow, I really am a shitty friend to you and possibly to some other people.. but then when I ask for what it is I can do… you just yell at me. There has to be something in your head that I can do otherwise you wouldn’t have yelled. If you’re sick of me… then just say it. I won’t be any more hurt than I already am. I know I’m a bad friend to you. I know I’m a bad friend to possibly some others… I’m not used to having “friends” because no one ever stays.

I guess all that’s left is to just… change. Be a good friend, stay out of your life like you want me to, be a normal friend, and not a best friend like you’ve been to me. I’m not a part of your life, atleast that’s what you keep telling me over and over, I’m just a friend. Just. A. Friend. And you know what; I guess I’m okay with that. I need to learn how to be a friend again, and learn how to accept friends and not be such a “bitch.” I guess I just don’t, in the end, want to lose you. You’re one of the only people I have whether you believe that or not… and I can’t lose another person in my life like my dad and rest of family. 

Take this however you want to take it… just know I’m sorry and you don’t deserve how shitty I’ve been.