Tag Archives: move

Blogmas – My Holiday Wish List 2019

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MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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I hope everyone is having a great holiday so far, even though it’s still early in the day. For this entry for Blogmas, I have decided to do my Personal Wish List.

This year was a difficult year, and is still difficult for myself and my small family. With moving back to PA from WA in the end of March, to our wedding in May, and to still not being caught up on bills from the big move… the second part of this year has been rough. Without going into too much detail, my husband and I were both sick twice with a cold already, we had snow 2 weeks before Thanksgiving (wtf?! it’s not even winter yet!), we both had a few serious episodes of depression and anxiety throughout October November and some of December, and we seem to just keep trucking on with no real reason at this point. We’re just trying to remain happy, calm and spend as much time as we can with each other to try and combat the depression we’ve been feeling. 

Because we’re still in debt from the move and catching up on payments and had sick spisodes preventing us from working a few days… I decided to share my Amazon Wish List with you and highlight a few things that we need for our apartment and home life and what’s on my Christmas List. Your Christmas List is supposed to be things that you would never splurge on for yourself, however, with the recent events of this year and being broke, it seems my list grew to be things that I or we actually need that we don’t have much money for sadly. 

  1. Rechargeable Fabric Shaver, Lint Remover  As most of my readers know, we have kitties… and this helps with removing lint, cat hair and fuzzies that may accumulate from the laundry. We also do not have a washer and dryer in the house because there’s no room and laundromats only can do so much for your clothes. This is something I’ve always wanted for our sweaters, too.

  2. Kinesiology Tape Precut My husband and I both have back problems. We love using this tape on our back for therapy and use it constantly, but it’s sometimes expensive to keep buying it for both of us to use, and have started to use it sparingly.

  3. Elevated Garden Flower Planter Bed We have a small yard, and with our back problems it’s sometimes hard to bend over for long and garden, and it’s usually me who takes care of all of it. Having raised gardens for our plants would be amazong and something my husband always wanted for each year because it’s easy to clean up, rake, harvest and saves garden space!

  4. DEWALT TSTAK Tool Box We have way too many tools. Way too many and the box we have everything in is just too heavy and we need an actual toolbox or two to fit everything. 

  5. Kitchen Island Cart We have very little counter space in our kitchen. So little, that I can’t even make cookies unless I clean off my kitchen table and take the table cloth off, and no room to put hot pots or pans that come out of the oven. We plan on re-doing some of the kitchen and making room for this.

Again, I know Christmas is supposed to be for things you really want that others splurge on for you that you would never buy for yourself mostly, but in our case, these are things that have been on my list and have wanted for awhile that we could really use. Instead of a new Urban Decay eyeshadow palette or new Apple Watch in order to upgrade, I’m chosing most of this stuff.

 

Fibromyalgia and Me – Sydney Culver

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Hello Unsanity readers! Thank you for staying with me this far along in my featured guests posts! I have been doing this since about October and have featured over 10 guests thus far! My next one is no stranger to anxiety and life struggles, especially when dealing with a physical illness that triggers these types of reactions. Please welcome Sydney Culver and her battle and realization with Fibromyalgia and mental health.

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Four years ago, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. At the time, I didn’t realize there were signs years before and of course I didn’t know what to look for, so I treated the symptoms and not the cause. I broke out in a horrific case of hives, conveniently when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. The hives were so bad, the doctor wanted to me to essentially sign my life away by agreeing to some egregious amount of steroids to get the issue under control. I was already on a serious course of steroids, and had put on at least fifteen pounds, coupled with a moon face. I was terribly depressed and in pain. My ex-husband suggested another allergist, who was less aggressive and my husband was all for the second opinion. In about a month the new doctor had the hive condition in remission and the swelling began to go down. Nevertheless, my personal life was in shambles and even though I was getting better physically, I believe I was becoming a bit unhinged mentally.

I never really believed in “mental illness”, “anxiety” or “stress”. I thought one could just stop being sad, or depressed or anxious. I figured if you want to feel good, you will. Make yourself snap out of it! Boy was I mistaken. When your life is in turmoil and your health is in question, you cannot just snap out of it. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating. There was one night when my sixteen-year-old daughter stayed up most of the night with me, comforting me as if she were the mom. I was that far gone. There was no way I could gain control of my emotions without help. I ended seeing a psychiatrist and he put me on an anxiety med and a sleeping pill. I learned exactly why sleep deprivation was a form of torture. I slowly got my life back on track.

A few years later, I was promoted from assistant principal to principal. The only catch was we had to relocate to North Carolina from Florida. My husband and I were elated. Before I was to report to work, we planned a trip to my hometown of Manhattan. It was hot and grimy in the city and my feet and hands began to seize up as we walked around town. I felt a shooting pain from my finger tips to my elbows and my fingers were so swollen, I couldn’t even wear my wedding ring. I thought the heat was getting to me but once I started the job and began to deal with the stress of a boss who loved to bully and belittle me, the shooting pain in my feet, fingers and arms, and the move from one state to another I realized there was something really wrong. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I would cry at the drop of a hat, my best friend came to visit and didn’t recognize me. My husband and bestie wanted me to walk away from the job. The stress was clearly breaking me down and once again, I wasn’t sleeping or eating.

As time went on, I had the wherewithal to not let the bully win. My primary doctor recommended a great neurologist who began to test for various auto immune diseases and I began the process of treatment. The medications are not only nerve blockers, but also used to treat depression and anxiety, which seems to accompany Fibromyalgia (my eventual diagnosis).

I believe the mind can control health. Stress can manifest itself as a disease. You cannot control the snowball effect of anxiety or depression without help. I suggest you don’t even try. There’s no shame in admitting you have a problem.

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Fences – Glen McKenzie

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Emotional Barriers in Life

Like life, our blog has gone through an evolutionary process over the past while, part of which grew us to “Thoughts From The Wilderness”.  It’s about relating how nature and the outdoors intersect with our daily lives; our struggles; and ways we might be able to triumph over issues that are hindering us. Our desire is to inspire others to: get outdoors; discover yourself; find inspiration.Sometimes the hardest part is simply taking that first step to climb over whatever personal stumbling blocks are in your path. We’d love it if you would like to follow along this journey with us. Our blog can be found at https://justabitfurther.wordpress.com; on Twitter, Facebook and finally on Instagram

Everyone has seen fences. We have them along two sides of our property; one wood and one chain link. Just walk down the street and you’ll pass fences of all descriptions. They can simply be for decoration along the front of a lawn; to surrounding a school yard; to marking the perimeter of a farmers field.

The reality is that fences serve two purposes only.

They are used to keep things in or to keep things out. We build them ourselvesor someone else builds them for us. They don’t spring up out of the ground, like dandelions on our lawn.

People also build another barrier or fence – aninvisible one.

These are the mental or emotional fences in our lives to keep things in or out…whether they be people, emotions, hurt, or pain, just to name a few. These invisible fences seemingly provide a sense of protection and comfort, as we live our lives.

Emotional fence building starts early in life. Unfortunately, these fences get re-enforced and strengthened as time goes by. They get built a little higher on a daily basis.

In as much as physical fences can be made of wood, concrete, brick, or wire, the emotional or mental fences and barriers we build can be constructed out of:

  • fear
  • self-worth
  • trusting others
  • the past

Fear

The building supplies needed to construct the emotional fence of fear can be found all around us.

For many of us, there were two or three things about fear we figured out, or conversely didn’t get a good grip on.

  • we never learned how to overcome fear
  • we learned that if we avoided making mistakes there was nothing to fear in life
  • we learned to never take any risks due to the risk of failure.

Because we feared failure; we also learned the“fear to try”.The hideous part of all of this is the spiral of “fear to try and fear of failure”. This corrals us into a never-ending cycle of mind-numbing conformity of living life on a treadmill.

Fearing What?

We may fear starting a new career or asking a special someone out, or being in a long term relationship. Perhaps it’s the fear of success as it is unknown how life could be changed as a result.  Are you afraid of being pushed out of yourcomfort zone?

It is fear that tells us that we don’t have the correct skills for a new position; when in fact we do. Fear convinces us that our new colleagues may not like us. Fear also convinces us that we are comfortable where we are; that life is good enough.

We fear intimacy or to be in a relationship. We may have been hurt in the past and the fear of rejection or being hurt again whispers to us; “don’t go down that road again.”As a result of this fear; we don’t. We turn down an invite for coffee, afraid it may go further. We come up with every excuse under the sun, when that perfect someone shows interest in us. Even if we get into a relationship, our subconscious sabotages it because we fear the emotional intimacy.

The fears we have can appear to be real. Nevertheless, fear can pin us down like superglue.  This results in us being stuck in a place we truly don’t want to be. We desire to move on in our lives; to grow and live life full-out, but fear holds us back.

The fear of failure leads to the fear to try; which leads back to a fear of failure.  It is a vicious cycle.

Fears are personal — people are afraid of failure, rejection and possible conflicts.

Self-Worth

Self worth (how we view ourselves) is often tied directly to the level of self-esteem we have. At some point early in our life, we started to build those emotional fences, because we may have felt unloved, awkward, or incompetent.

This can be a life-long construction project. The materials needed to construct the fence of self-worth can get delivered right to your front door by the truckload. Perhaps they show up on a daily basis. People with low self-worth are hyper-sensitive to the criticism and actions of those around us. The greater threat, however, in the construction of this emotional barrier can be found within.

We don’t believe in ourselves, like everyone else does. Everyone encourages you saying, “you have got a great talent for this or that,”but you don’t believe them, so you never try.

Every time that happens, you add yet another board to the fence of low self-worth. It slowly gets constructed higher and higher; year after year, until it becomes almostimpossible to knock down.

The nails holding the boards together become stronger each time it happens. The boards become thicker and heavier.

You may hear negative comments, so you choose to never try. What might have been your destiny in life had you not allowed others to erect your fence.

We come to believe we don’t have the talent, ability or skills to succeed in various areas of our life; while those around us believe we are capable.

Poor self-worth keeps us penned in from entering into meaningful relationships. Why would they like me? How can I love others, if I can’t even love myself?

Like fear; negative self-worth and low self-esteem are personal…real personal.

Trusting Others

Like the boards on a wooden fence rotting away over time, so does trust.

I read some place that trust is a “fundamental human experience”necessary for society to function and for any person to be relatively happy. Without it, fear rules. Trust is not an either/or proposition, but a matter of degree; and certain life experiences can impact a person’s ability to trust others.”

Issues of trust may come from experiences in childhood, such as inadequate love and affection, mistreatment or abuse. Perhaps you experienced bullying during your school years. Whatever the reason, these experiences have culminated into our adult relationships. It is harder to trust people if your self-esteem has been kicked out of you over time.

As an adult it could be a traumatic life event such as the loss of a loved one, an accident,  illness or perhaps you have been the victim of physical violence. These issues could very well lead to your inability to trust in the goodness of others. It might have been with a partner who broke that trust bond with you.

It could be all of the above. Trusting others, as well as trusting one’s self-care becomes a major issue.

It can be helpful to remind yourself that your current circle of friends/family may not be responsible for past events. It isn’t fair to them to make assumptions based on the actions of someone completely different from your past. It can be a hard process, but building trust is a choice, and building trust in any relationship takes time, especially if your trust has been shattered.

The fence of “trusting others”can be hard to change and renovate. But, it can be done.

The Past

The past often creeps into perceptions about the future. Unfortunately, the past gets carried into the present as the “baggage of life.”And we allow it to happen.

The tricky thing about emotional fences is that we may not even know we’ve built them. We don’t realize we allow the past to build yet another fence of emotional baggage when we get involved in a new relationship. The hideous part of this is, if we haven’t dealt with issues from our past, we are potentially sabotaging this new relationship; which just may be the one that has long-term potential.

If we never deal with past events, our feelings of fear and hurt continue growing until we somehow crazily justify the whole mess…and the cycle continues.

We do the same thing over and over and wonder why the results are always the same.

Fences that went up in the past don’t have to define our future.

So…..

Some fences we build on our own; some get built by others.

Regardless of who constructed them, complex structures require complex solutions.

We travel through life and convince ourselves we’re comfortable. We tell ourselves this is all we deserve. We base this on the fences and barriers we have built around us.

We build fences made out of our insecurities; our fears, our self-defined inadequacies, our lack of faith or our approval from others. Other fences get built to protect a broken heart, or to hide who we really are. Maybe we build a fence so we can’t be wrongly defined by society.

Board by board; wire by wire; higher and stronger the fence gets built. Thus; we live within the fences created.

A good reminder when we build fences around our emotions, is that it doesn’t just keep people away from us, it also keeps us from moving forward. Fences keep things in and inhibits us from moving forward. Like fences surrounding a prison, we become emotional prisoners.

Often, fences have a window that looks out at others. Every so often we peek out admiring those who appearfree.  They walk freely, run freely, love freely, seeminglywithout any walls stopping them.

“How can I be like them?”Our window to the world opens in the fence WE ourselves have built.

What Now?

There is good news. It’s not all doom and gloom.

As physical fences can be torn down, emotional walls and barriers can be knocked down and overcome.

Yes, it will likely be difficult. Speaking from my own experience, it is and was a difficult and challenging process to go through. But, a necessary process.

In fact, it may well be very difficult at times and you may need help. If we tried each day to punch a brick or take a board off the fence, someday there would be no fence at all.

Even if the fence only becomes smaller, we’d still be better off. When the fences come down, we can be like those walking freely, running freely, and loving freely.

How?

How do we start dealing with the complex, difficult, and painful issues surrounding those emotional barriers in our lives?

….I’m just going to say this and only because it relates to me and me only. This may not be you or you may not be in a place right know that reflects this….

Decide

First, you need to makea decision to start; a real decision. That is what I did. With fear and anxiety in making that difficult choice, it was a decision I needed to make. In fact, it was the only correct decision.

Identify

What are the fences or barriers made of?

A critical component is to identify what is keeping us a prisoner. Identifying and exploring what those barriers are helps to give us perspective, self-compassion and thus the catalyst to start the healing process. Remember, when you were born, you weren’t worried about building walls to keep from getting hurt. All that came later; much later.

Once we identify them, the work starts to destroy those false beliefs, and to get rid of them so that you can move forward in life. If we thinkwe’ve dealt with thembut have only done so on a superficial basis; we can easily fall back into them.  We revert to what is familiar to us.

You can’t escape from behind these barriers and move on in life if you keep retreating back into what is familiar.

This may not be an easy process, it certainly wasn’t for me. If you know you need to deconstruct these emotional barriers, remember you are not alone.

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Ask for help

A good therapist can help you put in the effort and work needed into tearing down emotional barriers; barriers that can hinder us from a more fruitful life.

Therapy can help us with:

  • rejecting irrational beliefs and self-defeating thoughts
  • learning how to become empowered
  • learning to identify and deconstruct harmful emotional fences

Remember, we are social beings; we were not made to go through life alone. There are plenty of people out there to support you and to be with you along this journey.

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Finally

My wish right now would be for all of us to move outside of our comfort zones.

I don’t know what may be involved to move you from your “comfort zone” to that place “where the magic happens”. In reality, you may not be in the right place to start the work necessary to deal with the emotional fences in your life.

If that’s where you are, that’s okay. Tomorrow, however, may be your day. Regardless of where you are at the moment or where you want to be in the future, there is hope.

Fences are broken down one post at a time.

As I wrote in the beginning, our desire is to inspire others to: get outdoors; discover yourself; find inspiration.The hardest part sometimes is taking that first step to climb over your personal stumbling block.

Perhaps today, you can take that first step.

Thanks for reading!

Huge thanks to Glen for writing this and wanting me to help promote this post on The Unsanity. I feel it’s a perfect representation of what we all may feel from time to time. I think we can all learn something from this entry, so please, I hope you took the time to read this. NAME

To Start Is Not To Begin

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Friday nights are usually spent in bed now with my iPad or now laptop working and reading. I’m perfectly okay with this. My Friday nights used to be going out and having fun or going to a bar with a friend or two. I’m glad, as I get older, that it’s died down a little bit. With so much life going on right now, this is what it needs to be.

I actually… after all these years of crap jobs… enjoy my current job. I like what I do and I like where it’s going. The people I’m meeting and the things I’m doing are all I could ever dream of. I legitimately love the things I do for work now, and that makes me happy.

Cut back two months ago, maybe a little bit more, and I was interviewing for this position I currently have — nervous as anything that I wasn’t going to get it, and nervous as anything that I would get it. I was kept waiting and waiting and almost a month went by. I started to get really apprehensive about everything knowing this is what I wanted and also… not what I wanted. I was terrified. If I got the position, I was going to have to move across the country — 2700 miles away from home. If I didn’t get it, I was going to be really upset that I wasn’t getting out of PA just yet.

July 28th. It was that Friday at 9 in the morning that I got that email from the hiring manager who said in the title “Please give me a call ASAP!!” Right there, with that title, I knew it was something great. I started crying almost as I walked away from my desk to go call her from my car and cell phone. I was offered the position; at nearly triple my salary. My managers at my current project already knew and kept it from me for a day. They had made arrangements for me to start that Tuesday with the company and new pay period — and I was already headed down to Virginia and DC that same week to do on boarding for the company and meet with the primary. I was a nervous wreck.

I was now the Social Media Marketing Specialist for the National Center for Telehealth and Tech (T2) project based out in Tacoma, Washington. I was an art director, content writer, image creator, blogger and head honcho for my social media content on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and LinkedIn.

With the position comes relocation, and the start of a new life with my partner and best friend. We’ve always wanted to go to the mountains — and away we go. I’m so excited to start my life out there. Even though I will be far from home, I know I’ll still get to see my mom and important people in my life with them coming out there, or with me going back to PA and NJ where my family and friends are. There’s so much excitement, however, I’m still scared to death. I’m not freaking out yet… but I know it’s coming one of these days. With being that far from my friends and family; it’s going to take some time getting used to. Yes, I’ll have my best friend with me and of course we will meet new people out there together. But it won’t be the same comfort we’re used to at first.

It’s September 15th today. September 16th if you want to get technical because it’s just passed midnight already. And we only have 70 days. 70 days until we make that drive across the country. 70 days until I don’t see my little kitties for close to 6 months. 70 days until we start our new life.

Everything will all work out fine, I’m sure of it.

 

My Life In 5 Years

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Picture it: Huge cactus next to the back porch, dirt for a driveway. Over-hang on the front of the door with an attractive bistro table set up. Community pool staring you in the face every day as you sit in the front of your house. You wander inside for a mixed drink from your mini bar that you made the night before and had extra of. Grab your favorite book and wide brimmed hat and head back outside to wait for your friend to get home. Putting your headphones in, you get a call from someone back home wondering how you are, and where you’ve gone. You tell them not to worry and that you’re living your life to the fullest where you should have been in the first place. You tell them that they should make a journey to visit or that they should get with the times and video chat you so you can show them everything you’ve accomplished the last few years. You tell them, “Sometimes you need to leave everything behind to start the next chapter in your life to experience new horizons.” It’s been a few years since you’ve been back home, and part of you feels no repentance for leaving everything you left behind. While you miss your family and friends back there, especially your mother and grandparents, there’s no other way you’d have wanted to spend your early 30’s than adventuring out west.

Cut back to a few years ago at 27 Years Old – you decide to tell everyone that you’re out. Done and gone with everything and everyone on the east coast and are in search of adventure. You’re in search of a job you love and a place you can call home. It’s the end of the summer and you’re not ready for it to be cold again over in the PA Mountains. You just want dirt and sun and some Death Valley vibes. You’re determined to do this on your own, and if anyone should follow, then you’ll at least have some company. At the time of commencement, you’ve found no one to adventure with you, but you’re still determined to leave it all behind and go forth with the new adventure that is your life. Different climate, different time zone and different people all around you. Maybe you’ll meet someone great out there and learn to grow as a person. But of course, these are all maybes, as this is never guaranteed.

You’ll throw everything out you own and make everything new when you get out there. Your mom will fly out there to meet you with your precious kitties so they too can have a better life. They wouldn’t like the car ride, and you’ll have to take your car out there with you, of course – so you can get to your new job as an Internet Brand Ambassador. The only thing you’d need to send out there for certain is the mattress you have that you love so much. If IKEA is a thing out there, that I’ve now confirmed that there is one out there, that’s where you’ll go to revamp everything in the apartment, including a mini bar for wine like you’ve always wanted.

Things can only go up from here, right? You’ve put up with so much the last few years – from dating someone who you almost firmly believe is gay, to moving all around and being stood up by people who you thought were your friends and now staying at a job you hate because you need to be able to afford to live and have a place to call home. When do things get better? When do things get easier for someone who struggles daily? When is your break? Your break comes when you are ready. Your break comes when you stand up and tell yourself you’ve had enough and you need a change. Break up with that person who wasn’t making you happy. Worry about yourself and not what others do. If they don’t give you the time of day – they’re not your friend and never were to begin with. Get rid of those folks in your life that don’t benefit you in every single way that you need them to. You’re who matters in this life, not anyone else that is not beneficial to your life. It’s time to do you – and it’s time to move to a new location, with new everything to start over. Every now and then it just has to be done. 

Time with yourself is the most treasured time there is – and that time is now. 

XOXOX

Koral Dawn

Illusion; At The End of Days.

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Everyone has hopes;  you’re human after all.

This feeling is not sadness; this feeling is not joy. I truly understand, please don’t cry now.

Please don’t go, I want you to stay. I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here.

I don’t want you to change; for all the hurt that you feel.

The world is just illusion; trying to change you.

I’m sitting at Barnes and Nobles right now, at 8 pm at night on a Thursday and I’ll probably be here tomorrow night as well since I now have nothing to do ever anymore. This holiday season took a toll on me, and I’m not ashamed to say that. Sometimes life gets the best of you. I’ve relapsed. I don’t want to relapse. It’s the same things every time. And something needs to change with my life. I’m just not sure what that change is yet.

As I sit here, listening to VNV Nation and the Babelsberg Film Orchestra; it makes me wonder. It makes me think. What did I possibly do wrong? What about my imperfect life could I possibly have done wrong to drive away the one I love yet again? Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be anymore? Maybe I was the only one willing to put up a fight to stay happy and try to hold everything together for a second maybe third try? I don’t know why this keeps happening to me all the time. Maybe this was a lesson to me in what I’ve been doing wrong? I don’t know.

I don’t regret the choices I have made. These are feelings that do not pass so easily. How can I forget; what we’ve claimed as ours? Moments lost, as time remains. I’m so proud of what we were. No pain remains, no feelings; eternity awaits. Grant me wings so I may fly. My beloved, do you know; when the warm wind comes again; another year will start to pass. And please don’t ask me why I’m here; something deeper brought me that I need to remember. My beloved, do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds, thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily; how can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours?

I think it got to the point where I just wasn’t happy but I was trying because I was so happy and content with my life and how it was going to end up. If given the proper chance, I will take it and I will give you another shot to prove yourself. If that’s not enough, then it’s not enough. I have paid my dues and I have been here for you this whole time. Maybe you might not have realized it, and maybe you just don’t want to realize it. But I have always been there.  I have always asked “How was your day?” When I know you’ve had a terrible day and you might want to talk about it. I’ve always made sure you felt wanted and needed by me. I have taken the time to craft envelopes for you to open in everyday life situations and you ignored them. I’ve always cleaned for you because I know you hate it; even thought I hated it as well. I did these things for you, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

I’m sorry you weren’t happy like I was. Nothing was done wrong on either or our ends. It got to the point where my love, just wasn’t enough for you, or maybe it was too much for you and you didn’t want it anymore. It got to the point to where whenever I saw you I wasn’t happy. I admit it. And I missed that. I guess it got to the point to where it was.. almost a requirement to see you on certain days because you made it so. You made it like that and I’m sorry I agreed to it. We should see each other when we want and how often we wanted if there was truly love and a spark there anymore. I didn’t feel it half the time towards the end, and I’m sorry to admit that. I wanted to feel it. I tried to feel it. But I most definitely agree there needed to be a break to be able to miss each other again. I want to miss you. I want to look forward to seeing you, and I want to look forward to doing the things we used to when the connection was seamless.  There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you.

I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not senseless. And I will let the pain inside me die; eventually. My life was full of us, and so much of us, maybe I lost myself. I wasn’t the happy go lucky girl anymore that I was when we hung out as friends and in the beginning of the relationship the second time around. I know that now – I feel different. I’m sad now, but that’s because I feel like I’ve broken everything but I haven’t. We both did. You did by not wanting to work on anything and ignoring me and what we had, and I did by trying too much to fix what we had.

Something needs to change, and I’m not quite sure what that is yet to be honest. Just… something. Whether I need to move and distance myself away from this area because everywhere I go reminds me of us… or whether it’s just finding something different to be passionate about. I honestly don’t know. I just know that since this my anxiety is through the roof and something needs to be done about that first before I can make any firm decisions. I have a feeling this is where everything stems from and I will be a lot happier in life if I got help with the anxiety and depression I deal with from time to time. I’m finally admitting I need some help, and maybe even medication to help ease the anxiety pain. That’s first on my list now. I have to take care of me, and everything and everyone else; can wait. 

Lay me down, and wash this world from me. No moment was made to last. There are better days to come. Who will be there; to remember who we were? Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us? The sun was born; so it shall die. Only shadows now comfort me. I know in darkness, I will find you; giving up inside like me. Each day shall end as it begins. And though you’re far away from me; I know in darkness I will find you; giving up inside like me. I will forget that we were once dust from heaven. As were forged, we shall return; perhaps someday. I will remember us, and I will wonder who we were.

Should they include you, I’m not sure yet, that’s not for me alone to decide. Answers will come in time, and when they do come, please let them be clear. My love for us will never be forgotten; and I will always miss it.

Give Me These Moments Back

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It’s about 10PM on a Thursday night. I’m sitting on the couch on my laptop for once updating it finally and I have nothing to do. I have racked my brain for this entire week with job applications, interviews, and other things, and I need a break. I think my brain may explode if I do anything else today. I haven’t been able to sleep much recently either. I’m exhausted, but can’t fall asleep. Strange thing, you know, life? People float in and out of your life at the most random times and tonight, I’m seeing alot of that from everyone I associate with. One night they’re there to talk to, and open up to me, and the next they completely disappear for hours on end and don’t say a word. Well, my days go on and on without you here my dear.

Sometimes, I feel like just taking a bow and leaving everything behind and running away. Only sometimes though. Just me and the kitties and whatever money I have left and leaving or selling everything I own for more cash… and just going. It seems like a valuable option because at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. I don’t think I have much left here except a few people that I’d like to be around for a long time to come. And I highly doubt the one person I want to come with me will… but I’m not sure. I haven’t asked, but I’m certain the answer would be no or “good luck” and that’s it. I’m afraid to ask, even though I know we would want to.

I’m really starting to be bummed out about all this shit going on lately. My mind’s on overdrive right now and I’m not sure what to do anymore. Half of me is like eff this I’ll go home, and the other half, if not more, is like hell no, you need to do this the right way and not give up. Well, I’m almost at the point of giving up… and I hate to say that because I’ll be letting alot of people down including myself. I just hope I find a job I like soon. So far, there is nothing, and I can’t afford to live in the city with what I really am good at… Social Media or photography. There are jobs all OVER the place in places such as Dallas and NYC and California… but I can’t just up and leave and go… as much much much as I would. I really would.

I’m listening to Greg Laswell on my phone and man, do I love him. I owe that to Jim and a big thank you to him for introducing me to his music. While it’s sad and depressing it kind of makes me smile when I listen to him too. It’s odd, but I’m not complaining. There’s a quote at the bottom of this of mixed lyrics from him that mean something to me. I’ve been listening to him all night now and I can’t stop. They’re like the new Poets of The Fall for me, and that’s saying something because POTF is my favorite band still to this day and I get laughed at it sometimes for it.

I know this blog is really scatterbrained tonight, but that’s how my mind is alot of the time and I don’t even know how I deal with it sometimes, let alone other people and my close friends. I don’t know how I’m even enjoyable sometimes, to be honest. I’ve been so shitty lately and sad and miserable because of the stupidest things.. and I hate myself for it. Maybe I need to just get up and start one day like it’s going to be the best day ever and see what happens. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. The people I want to be with, don’t want to be with me, and the one I don’t want to be with want’s to be with me. How ironic? I’m not really sure  what to make of anything anymore. I’m so frustrated, and so overwhelmed by everything these days and so stressed out, and I know I really shouldn’t be. I wish I were happier all the time like some people I know around here. Maybe I do need to move and leave everything. Maybe I just need a fresh start. Be farther away from family because well, apparently, I’m not thought of much and when I am, the only people who still seem to care are Poppop and my mom so it would seem. Two is better than none, I’d say though.

Laswell

I might be gone a little while. I guess we’ll see. I have to make a home out of something… I should probably say that I’m unsure why I’m running away from the one thing that I love. Maybe down the road, I’ll see you in a blur.

Cheers,

xoxox

||Koral Dawn||