Tag Archives: songs

Mental Health Awareness – Indierella

Kat is the creator of Indierella: a blog about music and living life as creatively as possible. She is a wearer of large headphones, teller of stories, and a listener of good music that nobody knows. You can find her on her blog (www.indierella.com) as well as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Tumblr.

*Note from Koral: This blog is back from May and Mental Health Awareness month, and thought it would fit in perfectly with the guest posts on my site here as well as the timing!

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Mental Health Awareness Month means something different to me since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

Last fall, several things happened. I wasn’t taking care of my body, I was taking a heavy workload of classes, I was back on campus after spending a year abroad, and I wasn’t being honest with myself or with the people around me. A stupid conflict led to a panic attack that lasted several days where I barely ate or left my room, and at my lowest point I called the National Suicide Hotline because I needed to talk to someone, anyone, because I felt so alone, isolated, and helpless. I was taken to the ER and given a diagnosis.

My mom drove down to my school and I got to stay with her for the weekend as I ended relationships with friends, forced myself to eat, and spent a lot of time in counseling. It wasn’t pretty or romantic or graceful, and I sure didn’t deal with it in the most martyred or selfless ways. In short: I screwed up with people. But I refuse to let go of the fact that I crawled my way out of a darkness and fought my way back.

And in the months that followed, I have been blessed by so much. I was able to learn coping techniques and how to take my medication when I have a panic attack, I became closer to God, I made new friends, I fell in love with a wonderful man who makes me feel loved and beautiful and special, I got a 3.82 GPA that semester, finished my senior thesis, started this blog, and realized I have to respect and take care of myself instead of hoping that someone else would.

For years I ignored my panic attacks and fears because they “weren’t that bad.” I put other people’s expectations before my own. I didn’t seek help because I didn’t want to put pressure or be a burden on anyone else. But, at the end of the day, I don’t really regret anything. I learned that I was harboring so much guilt about hurting people that I wasn’t letting myself heal. I learned all the ways that my physical health affects my mental health. I learned to love myself. And I’m still learning how to take care of myself whenever things aren’t perfect.

Writing this post wasn’t easy. Living day-to-day isn’t always easy when I let doubt and fear creep into my mind. But at the end of the day, I’m the first person that needs to fight for my well-being. I have to be my own champion.

So for Mental Health Awareness Month, remind yourself to be your own hero. Fight for your happiness, fight your demons and fight to recognize your own mental health. I’ll be fighting with you.

But before you go, here is one last thing I have to share with you. I made this playlist when I was suffering and lonely, when walking across campus or eating in the cafeteria was hardest. At first I only had about five songs on it. Five songs that could calm me down in my state of panic. Five songs that I could listen to and not feel like I was spiraling out of control. Then, as things got better, I added more songs, and each one has a special meaning to me. Together, this playlist doesn’t remind me of the hard times, but it reminds me that things got better and they will keep getting better.

Big thank you to Kat for letting me share this post of hers on my site. We kind of did a playlist swap and I gave her my Sunday Morning Classic Rock playlist to share on here with a bit of my back story. Check out her blog and see when it’s posted!

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Hush Now Don’t You Cry

Hush now don’t cry… wipe away the teardrop from your eye. You’re lying safe in bed… It was all a bad dream spinning in your head. Your mind tricked you to feel the pain of someone close to you leaving the game of life. So here it is, another chance- wide awake you face the day. Your dream is over… Or has it just begun?

I’m listening to one of my favorite songs right now – Silent Lucidity by Queensryche. I don’t know why I love it so much but anytime I hear it it makes me think of some Opeth and I like to sway back and forth to the beat. It comforts me I think and that’s something I don’t have often. Today was interesting. I went to work and was bored most of the day and then went to the gym after with an old friend. It was actually lots of fun and a good time I needed out I think. I usually go to the gym alone.. but it was nice to have someone there to talk to for once. I’m not good with meeting people online or in person for that matter.. and well I feel better talking online for some reason at first. But I haven’t seen him in ages and it was a good time tonight.

On that note, I’m back on the gym kick. I figure if I have to pay for it for a year I might as well use it and try and lose some weight finally for once since I’ve been saying that I’m going to for weeks now. It’s just a matter of eating right and eating good.. that’s always my problem. I can go to the gym every day of the week if I wanted to. But when it comes to eating better I suck at it sadly. I need someone to kick my butt into gear to eat right for once. I’m so used to eating everything I wanted to and not gaining weight at all because of the Mono I had in my body and now my metabolism is catching up to me from the last 10 years and making me not lose any weight at all. I don’t like being the way I am when I gained like 30 pounds in a year and a half two years now. It sucks and everything I used to like and wear doesn’t fit me anymore and it’s real disheartening.

I’ve had more time lately to write, obviously, since I don’t do too much anymore. I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, I have more time for me and well.. I’m not sure if I like it or not to be honest. It makes me think and that’s the last thing I like to do is to think. Then I get all these crazy ideas and stuff. I’m trying to go out there and meet new people and go to the gym more.. and take myself on “me” dates and relax a lot more. I think I’m too .. used to being around people and never really focused on myself and what I want to do in life. Now I have the chance to do that for once for awhile and I’m going to start doing that. Whether that means finding a job I like and want to stick with or moving to find said job.. you never know what might happen now. I’m not attached to anything here really and I’m not going to let anyone stop me at this point.

I want to start living and traveling and relaxing and taking care of me. This time next year I could have the job I always wanted or be living in another state or even country… I’ve always wanted to do something crazy; I just need to figure out how to incorporate the cats into my life. Maybe it’s time I rented that RV and packed up what I needed sold the rest and went on my way. I think about that a lot obviously.. as it’s been in my most recent blog posts multiple times. I think I really do need to leave the valley and start doing what I really want to do. No that doesn’t mean I’m coming home family.. as much as you want me to. I need to do me, and that’s not at home unfortunately. (Sorry mom, but you should come with me anyway and do something spontaneous.) And how ironic … Iron Maiden Run To The Hills just came on my music.. so fitting I think.

I’m pretty sure my roommates can hear me singing because I’ve been blasting some 80’s hits now and old school music and singing along and I have headphones in.. oops. I have no shame anymore I don’t care I’ll sing all the 80’s tunes that my heart desires. I don’t get to do that enough really.. and I need to get it out of my system everyonce in awhile. HEAVEN ISNT TOO FAR AWAYYYY. CLOSER TO IT EVERY DAY. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT SAYYYY; WE’LL FIND OUR WAY. YEEAHHH.  There that’s my little shit for the night right there. Let’s see if you know what song that is and who it’s by. 10 cookies to anyone who can name that song and if you don’t know it without looking up the lyrics.. I don’t know you anymore. Seriously. Know your anthems damnit. /rant on 80’s tunes.

I really didn’t have a purpose for this entry today – I just wanted something to do I think before going to bed. And I’ve been sitting here listening to 80’s jams now after Iron Maiden came on and I put on the 80’s Love Station on Apple Music. Well then, this brings back so many memories and I love it. I’m going to sit here and keep jamming out to 80’s love ballads and sing them till I sleep. If you cant put up with that then well, I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to. Btw, Nobody’s Fool is on right now. Name that band.

In honor of 80’s Here’s a throwback photo from College Koral

When The Warm Wind Comes Again

My beloved do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily- How can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours? I’m still proud of what we were; no pain remains no feelings – eternity awaits. Grant me wings that I may fly.

Back at Barnes and Nobles again on a Friday night because I have no life and it gets me out of the house for the moment. I’m still listening to the same album from yesterday unfortunately. It soothes me and makes me feel happy to some extent; even though half of it makes me want to cry half the time because of the lyrics.. isn’t it obvious? They’re meaningful and I can relate to them a lot. (If you’re confused as to which album it is, it’s VNV Nation with the Babelsberg Film Orchestra – Resonance. I love orchestral pieces, and would like to go see another soon. I need to find me someone who wants to go to Broadway with me and see some plays. I tree up roaming the city and I miss it. I wish I could live there and work there. I’d make a perfect New Yorker in my opinion. I love people and I love the city. Too bad it’s so damn expensive. Maybe now that I no longer have to rely on someone and can do what my brain wants for once, I can try to look for a job in the city and move there and finally do what I want to do. That’s just a thought. Any city really… but New York is ideal for me since I can always take a train home and leave my car with mom.. that’s what I wanted to do from the start but it never got to that point and then things shifted and I moved to PA. Not saying I regret that at all.. I’ve met all the people I know today by moving here and giving up all those fake friends in NJ.. I’m glad I was able to move to a place outside my comfort zone – I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m kind of shoved in a corner right now at Barnes and Nobles – I’ve made my nest and there are people all around me. I’m glad I’ve got my headphones on though – it drowns out het they’re saying because they’re disturbing my mental ability to put words together here for this post. There are definitely more people here than last night – and now there’s a baby crying next to me… Help. No bueno, no babies. Ugh. No wonder I never want any kids. I can’t even stand other peoples… unless I can give them back at the end of the day. I love them… when they’re not mine to take home. And for some reason they love me. I worked at a day camp for years, and I loved all the kids there but I would never never in a million years take any of them home with me or want to. They were the brattiest most annoying children ever with hardly any supervision. Every now and then you’d get a good kid who was quiet and not annoying at all and then hope seemed to be restored. But then – demon child from hell. Not something I wanted to deal with when taking them home. I’ve known for awhile now I never want children. And I was lucky enough to find someone who didn’t want them either.. now that they’re gone, I feel its going to be hard to find someone else that never wants children either. And truthfully does not want any, not just because they love me; but because that’s what they want as well.

I’ve moved now to my bed and have stopped writing for the night. It’s now Sunday night and 8pm. I’m sitting in bed doing nothing but this and Friends on TV. Romeo is sitting here staring at me, Moomoo is sleeping on my purse that’s on my bed. Tonight’s hard for me. He admitted he missed me and loved me, which is great.. but still refuses to act like a human adult and talk about problems and work on what we have. I want to know if I’m wasting my time. I don’t like wasting my time on things that will go nowhere. I have a life to live and I can’t keep putting my life on hold for everyone and everything. If nothing is better by April, I am then looking to move to another state again and start over and cut ties to everyone and everything.. I’ve thought about this recently more than I’d like to, but I think sometimes you just need to pick up and leave and not look back. Those that miss you will let you know and be there for you and those that don’t will show it by not making themselves present at all in your life. I already found out who my friends were once, I guess I’ll find that out again if I leave this area. I’ve not much left to give and I’m tired of wasting my time. Once my lease is up, over the summer maybe, and I can save up some money maybe.. I can leave and move on finally.

I shouldn’t be feeling like shit all the time; and I deserve to live. After all, I’m only 26 and I want to travel. Granted I don’t have much money but I want to be able to go where I want. I’ve thought about buying or renting an RV, packing up life and getting rid of everything I own and travel cross country with the Meows and see what happens. I wish I could just get up and leave and go somewhere far away like my friend Jessica did. She moved from Seattle to Australia and has been traveling ever since and I envy her so much. She is truly living life the way I want to I just don’t have the financial means and I will never give up my Meows for anything. They are what’s been holding me back from a lot- they are the glue that makes me sane and hold my head together. I’d be even more miserable without them. More and more I think about leaving and traveling.. it becomes the first thing in my mind when I wake up every day. Thinking – I just want to leave everything and not have to deal with anything ever again. I would worry about me myself and I .. and the meows because meow. Maybe one day – I just hope I’m not too old to handle myself. I want to do it young; and I wouldn’t mind having someone come with me.

Your hearts were never made of stone. Rise up you earth bound demons; rise up before me now and fight. Your time has finally come. Take me back before the years and memories … before the hourglass has drained; before the colors start to fade.

I Am The Wind

“When you’re dumb enough for long enough, you’re gonna meet someone too smart to love you, and they’re gonna love you anyway, and it’s gonna go so poorly.” – Neil Hilborn, Ballad of the Bruised Lung

Been awhile, life’s been crazy. I’ve been trying to find the time to keep writing but I just haven’t had any. I mean I have, but I’ve had no ideas really to make me want to write anything substantial in my opinion. It’s been a blur to be honest, I can’t believe a year has almost gone by since myself and guy started dating again.. and it makes me feel semi good, that I can make it better than the last time we dated since we both effed up the last time and several times after that. Seems like we can’t just get it right.. Maybe this time won’t be so bad… here’s to hoping!

I’ve taken some photos recently, with guy’s other camera the Sony a6000 and I like it. But I only like it with the 90mm Macro since it’s amazing. I kind of want it. But there’s no way I can afford the lenses for it. Yes, I can borrow his, but what’s that going to do for me should something happen with myself and him. I will never give up my Canon camera for something else. I would only add to it. I plan on trying to start a collection of some sorts and when I finally get a home, I will have a camera closet for all my things.

Here are a few shots of the Sony a6000 that I took just yesterday around Nanticoke, PA. 

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When you’re tired of waiting and time is not on your side
When you’re tired of hating me, you no longer want to hide

It’s time for another session of relaxation and tea bath before my roommates get home and take their long shower. I’ve been thankful enough to get to take some nice showers lately thankfully, and it’s helping my mood a lot surprisingly. *hand clap* Off I go because then I’m going to sleep forever tonight, maybe I’ll put my hair in curlers again. We’ll see since it seems to poof then I use them, lol!

Cheers,

xoxox

If I Lose Myself Tonight…

It’ll be by your side. 

Good evening everyone. It’s about 9:30 PM and I’m sitting here at my computer and have been since 2 PM working and then doing some graphic designs since I haven’t in a very long time. I needed to take my mind off some things, and just actually use my computer for once. I should be playing games, but I really don’t feel like it. I know. Bad nerd, right? But, I’m an artist, and I haven;t embraced that part of me recently at all. Not to mention now I need to work tomorrow for longer hours because today was a bust. I worked for 5 hours today. I need to do more. So, Friday I’m waking up early and then Saturday morning I’ll do some more so I can get in at least 30 something hours because I need the money if I won’t have a job come October.

So I’d like your opinion on some things right now. Black, White, or mixed. I think I like the full white one myself to be honest and I think that’s what I’m going to go with eventually, but I’d still like your input on which you like better. Or if I should change it all around completely. This is something I just threw together quickly because well, I needed to do some art and I always seem to do banners for this page. As a friend just said, “The white eye and bird looks more unsane.” And I kind of like that, and it grew on me more.

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Well that’s all for now, I might have more tomorrow for you since I haven’t written in a long time, I need to get back on my game and write at least 5 a month to keep those stats up where I like them. It makes me happy that I have so many views on my blog. It’s been 2 years and I’m only now seeing the views come in and it makes me feel awesome that people car enough to read about me.

If you only die one, I want to die with you.

Cheers,

xoxox

||KoralDawn||

Give Me These Moments Back

It’s about 10PM on a Thursday night. I’m sitting on the couch on my laptop for once updating it finally and I have nothing to do. I have racked my brain for this entire week with job applications, interviews, and other things, and I need a break. I think my brain may explode if I do anything else today. I haven’t been able to sleep much recently either. I’m exhausted, but can’t fall asleep. Strange thing, you know, life? People float in and out of your life at the most random times and tonight, I’m seeing alot of that from everyone I associate with. One night they’re there to talk to, and open up to me, and the next they completely disappear for hours on end and don’t say a word. Well, my days go on and on without you here my dear.

Sometimes, I feel like just taking a bow and leaving everything behind and running away. Only sometimes though. Just me and the kitties and whatever money I have left and leaving or selling everything I own for more cash… and just going. It seems like a valuable option because at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. I don’t think I have much left here except a few people that I’d like to be around for a long time to come. And I highly doubt the one person I want to come with me will… but I’m not sure. I haven’t asked, but I’m certain the answer would be no or “good luck” and that’s it. I’m afraid to ask, even though I know we would want to.

I’m really starting to be bummed out about all this shit going on lately. My mind’s on overdrive right now and I’m not sure what to do anymore. Half of me is like eff this I’ll go home, and the other half, if not more, is like hell no, you need to do this the right way and not give up. Well, I’m almost at the point of giving up… and I hate to say that because I’ll be letting alot of people down including myself. I just hope I find a job I like soon. So far, there is nothing, and I can’t afford to live in the city with what I really am good at… Social Media or photography. There are jobs all OVER the place in places such as Dallas and NYC and California… but I can’t just up and leave and go… as much much much as I would. I really would.

I’m listening to Greg Laswell on my phone and man, do I love him. I owe that to Jim and a big thank you to him for introducing me to his music. While it’s sad and depressing it kind of makes me smile when I listen to him too. It’s odd, but I’m not complaining. There’s a quote at the bottom of this of mixed lyrics from him that mean something to me. I’ve been listening to him all night now and I can’t stop. They’re like the new Poets of The Fall for me, and that’s saying something because POTF is my favorite band still to this day and I get laughed at it sometimes for it.

I know this blog is really scatterbrained tonight, but that’s how my mind is alot of the time and I don’t even know how I deal with it sometimes, let alone other people and my close friends. I don’t know how I’m even enjoyable sometimes, to be honest. I’ve been so shitty lately and sad and miserable because of the stupidest things.. and I hate myself for it. Maybe I need to just get up and start one day like it’s going to be the best day ever and see what happens. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. The people I want to be with, don’t want to be with me, and the one I don’t want to be with want’s to be with me. How ironic? I’m not really sure  what to make of anything anymore. I’m so frustrated, and so overwhelmed by everything these days and so stressed out, and I know I really shouldn’t be. I wish I were happier all the time like some people I know around here. Maybe I do need to move and leave everything. Maybe I just need a fresh start. Be farther away from family because well, apparently, I’m not thought of much and when I am, the only people who still seem to care are Poppop and my mom so it would seem. Two is better than none, I’d say though.

Laswell

I might be gone a little while. I guess we’ll see. I have to make a home out of something… I should probably say that I’m unsure why I’m running away from the one thing that I love. Maybe down the road, I’ll see you in a blur.

Cheers,

xoxox

||Koral Dawn||

This Isn’t What We Need

Hi friends, time for another ramble.

I haven’t written in a week since I’ve been busy with doctor appointments and working what seems like all the time. I really need a break from life to someplace warm and a beach. I think a trip to Florida may be needed soon if I can get the time off work, that is, because we don’t get anything there really and get paid for it.. I wish they’d change their policies there for sick days and allowing us some freebies. That would make SO many people happy, you know? And it would keep more people instead of always hiring and re-training new people. That’s just a hassle.

Anyway, so I had to get a new phone because mine took a shit the other day. I got the Droid Turbo and its actually pretty nifty. A little smaller than the Note obviously but the batter is amazing on it so far.
I’m still debating if I want to go home tomorrow night or not to moms for a show… I really could use a break/night out butttt I don’t know yet. I need more concerts in my life nowadays and well, I haven’t been to many recently since I moved to PA. I think I should go… But I have more important things I should do first like an oil change and other things. This sucks.

Anyway, have some photos from my Turbo. The camera is amazing for stills, but moving things suck to take pics of. They need an update asap for this camera. A you can see, I was on break or eating lunch at work when I took these.

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Well, this next part is a song I’m listening to right now and I don’t know how I feel about it. So I’ll just leave this here.

Cheers,
xoxox
||KoralDawn||

What am I to say? I still remember everyday, and memories don’t fade away. And it all falls apart in the shadows of the past. It can seem to be so hard but it’s time the feelings pass. How could you be the better part of me…when we’re only half of what we used to be? Today, could you see, this isn’t what we need, and I’m leaving all the pieces how they fell. So goodbye, farewell.