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How Fashion Helped Me Work through Depression – Peter Minkoff

Societal norms and cultural expectations can often be too much too process, and they can slowly erode your self-confidence and your beliefs, simply because you do not fit some sort of a mold. I’ve lived and grown my entire life in a very loving community, a metropolis as colorful as they come. But that can often be a disguise for numerous internal forms of prejudice, masked bias, and other issues I’ve experienced over the years. I am lucky enough to live in a time when talking about mental health has become less of a taboo, enabling me to find support in many different facets of my life, fashion included.

In fact, fashion, among other things, was one of those factors that I took for granted and underestimated its potential to heal. As it turns out, life has the funniest of little epiphanies saved just for you, and mine helped me realize that my sense of style and my wardrobe can be my way out of my own black hole. Here’s a little glimpse into my journey, and I hope it will bring you comfort and some ideas as to how you can cope with your feelings and struggles, too.

Comfort, finally

For a moment, let’s go back to expectations. As a gay man, I’ve had my fair share of prejudice and criticism to face from our fellow straight people, but strangely enough, in our own community, it seems that there’s another set of expectations that many of us “fail to meet”. I often felt as if I was never “gay enough”. Do I really have to wear a rainbow every day for every occasion to prove my sexual orientation to others, to anyone? It’s that kind of an attitude that pushed me to choose overly-tight jeans, tees with quotes I didn’t like, and wear too many rings for my own liking.

We’ve all been there. Wanting to be liked and approved of is often the driving force of some of the silliest, most meaningless decisions we make, and I was no exception. So, when I completely forewent my own preferences, my self-esteem plummeted. When I finally learned to say no and started replacing my skinny jeans for comfortable chinos, I felt I could breathe again. Putting my self first may have started with chinos, but it sure as hell didn’t end there.

Self-expression to salvage the self

Steampunk is many things, but gay isn’t one of them. Or at least that’s what those limiting expectations would have you believe. Today, I can happily live this simple truth: you’re no less gay for the clothing choices you make or the accessories you love. Much like a straight man will never suddenly turn gay upon admitting that he loves pink unicorn socks. So, yes, as a way to heal my own self-perception, I started infusing my look with details that speak volumes of my personality and my diverse interests.

Suddenly, I’d gladly wear a stylish skeleton watch with a simple button-down, and I’d absolutely revel in my own reflection. Instead of piles of colorful rings, this single accessory is a timeless piece of sophistication that perfectly embodies my style preferences. It’s details like these that helped me understand that I had lost my sense of self, and that it was high time to begin rebuilding it one self-affirming choice at a time.

Elevating my mood with colors

As a minimalist at heart (with the occasional trip to crazy land of floral swimming trunks), I’ve always been a huge advocate of wearing black. Although I’m still very much in love with that look, my efforts to build a more positive personal image have led me to a slew of research studies that pointed the impact of colors on our mood and emotions. I did some homework and began adding different hues that would hopefully affect my mindset in a positive way. Lo and behold, results ensued, and I still wear my sage green shirt and my orange hoodie.

Some of the more recent fashion trends also use different colors of different saturation, which has inspired me even further to take a few steps outside of my fashion comfort zone and allow myself to play with my own style. This creative take on my look alone has given me a safe space in which I can explore my emotions, directly impact my mood, and still ensure self-affirmation.

The power of embracing compliments

Depression is a sneaky creature. It tends to affect your every action and your every thought, and it’s extremely difficult to root out once it takes hold of your mind. In my deepest states of self-denial, I would even reject compliments from people who genuinely care about me – and I would never, ever let them sink in. I was fortunate enough to have one of my friends point out this habit of mine, and it actually took me weeks of practice to start making any progress.

But, the sheer act of accepting compliments got the ball rolling. When I’d get myself to say “thank you” or “that’s very kind of you”, I’d open up a little window in my mind, allowing for the possibility that the compliment might be true. That I might actually look amazing, that my smile might be radiant, that my new boots look great on me. This little mental exercise through accepting compliments on my looks and my fashion choices helped me slowly embrace the possibility of a world in which I love myself.

Although the idea of “happy clothes” or “happy colors” definitely varies from one person to another, I’m beyond grateful for the fashion choices we have today and the people who diligently create them. They’ve meant the world to me and continue helping me through all of my ups and downs. I’ve used this creative process to find myself again, and to rebuild my appreciation for myself, and I hope that others will use it to find beauty in themselves once more.

Peter Minkoff is a lifestyle and health editor at HighStyleLife magazine. Follow Peter on Twitter for more tips.

The Late Goodbye

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Picture it: you just got engaged and you’re planning who to be in the wedding with you and stand by your side just like in all aspects in life. You send out your boxes for them to say I do as well. Now, to remind you, these are the four only people over the years that have been there for you and hung out and made sacrifies to be with you and vice versa. Now picture this: only two of them show up. That’s what happened to me, and it turned my wedding planning and day itself into hell. Here is the story of a 14 year old and a 15 year old friendship that disappeared as quickly as you can say I do.

Two of my oldest friends, we’ll call them X and Y for story purposes, skipped out on the most important day of my life after being inseperable for 14 and 15 years.

One of them, we’ll call her X, just never even responded to my inquiry of my proposal box asking her if she’d be in my wedding. Mind you, I had been talking about it since I was engaged, and she knew it was coming all along, then decided to not talk to me for a few weeks, and never got an answer, so I eliminated her because I can’t count on someone when they don’t even appreciate your offer of knowing you were “best friends.” This was the easier of the two, thankfully and unfortunately. I have not spoken to her since either. No messages, no updates, nothing. It’s truly heartbreaking.

The other, she will be Y, bailed the day OF my wedding. Great, right?

The planning was a nightmare from day one. A little back story, I didn’t pick a Maid of Honor for my wedding because it was a small private ceremony with only friends and our mothers and photographers. Y was obviously annoyed I didn’t choose her, however, she was never the one to care about other people before herself, and I knew this when I met her when I was 14 years old. She was fighting on everything I wanted to pick for my wedding (note: MY wedding) even down to the little black shawl I wanted to wear over my dress at the top because my dress was strapless. I have bigger arms, and wanted them to be covered a little. “That glittery shawl doesn’t go and hangs way too low in the back and doesn’t match your hair and what you want to do.” Really? I let it slide.

Planning festivities for the night before – “I don’t want to go bowling, that’s not bachelorette party type stuff!” Okay, so don’t go, but again, repeat, it’s MY wedding and this is what I want to do for my night before and I don’t want to get drunk at all. We can enjoy wine at the hotel (which my two best friends and I did) after the restaurant we went to. “Wait, we’re going to a restaurant? Can my boyfriend come?” My reply to her was simple, stating yes but he needs to sit at the bar because this dinner is for people in the wedding party only and our mothers. No one else is bringing their significant other to this dinner, it’s just going to be us.” Her answer was what really got me: “Oh, well then better make the dinner for 9 people because I’m not letting or making him sit alone.”

Y never showed the next day. She never messaged me. She never was in the party. All because I told her the dinner was for wedding party only and this is what I wanted for my big day.

And this was the day, the day before my wedding, I finally realized that she was never my best friend all along. She was only my friend when it was convenient for her, and fit into her schedule. She had bought the dress, bought items for the night before for the little hotel party we were planning, and all the accessories. And wasted her money because she never showed.

She always put whatever boy she was with first, and never her friends who stood by her side through everything. Since I was 14 years old, we were together daily at camp, and then after camp at her house and on weekends because she lived so close. I will be 30 this year… and it took me 15 years to realize this I guess. Better late than never in my mind, but what a way to make your wedding day alternatitely the best and worst day of your life.

Now, the two girls who took the reins and planned everything with my mom, they’re who are worth fighting for. They are my rock, they are my best friends, and they are the people who are going to be there for me when I need them most – and they have been. Neither of them stopped texting or calling me while I was living across the country for a year and a half like X and Y did, they kept in touch, and wanted to. They are my support system and who I need by my side.

Sometimes it takes an act of disgust, unreliability and pure heartbreak to truly know who your best friends are, and it’s just unfortunate that this had to happen on my wedding day. I will never be sad about losing people that I now know never cared; I will be sad about all the years I wasted thinking they would never break my heart – and my family’s heart as well.

When you lose a best friend, you learn some hard lessons. Like everything and everyone else, people change. My happiness is important to me – it should be to them as well. If this what was supposed to happen, then so be it. Thanks to them, I feel I’m a better person and have a weight lifted off my shoulders I’ve had on there for way too long. I’m not bitter, and I’m not mad – and I won’t ever be for letting go of something that freed my soul.

The devil grins from ear to ear when he sees the hand he’s dealt us. Points at your flaming hair, and then we’re playing hide and seek. I can’t breathe easy here, less our trail’s gone cold behind us. Till’ in the john mirror you stare at yourself grown old and weak; And we keep driving into the night. It’s a late goodbye, such a late goodbye…
Late Goodbye, Poets of the Fall

Striving Towards A Simple Life – Just a Bit Further

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Is it even possible?

Is it possible to live a simple life, given the velocity that life careens through the cosmos these days? A life that gives you room to breathe and ultimately to live life on your own terms. Not necessarily life as the result of ditching everything and living off-grid in a self-hewed cabin in the wilderness of northern Ontario, but a life regardless of where you are, that in all intense purposes is “simple.”

How many of us are desperately seeking this kind of quiet change? A major hurdle to overcoming this pilgrimage of living “simple” is the concept of “living simpler”. Sadly, this is pretty much polar opposite to the world as we know it.

This comes as no huge shock, but we live a crazy, and insanely busy time.

What defies logic is; although we bemoan and complain about how insane it all is, when we flip the coin over we find ourselves glorifying busy and all the insaneness.

We extoll with our friends and colleagues on how many hours we can work. All of which goes hand in hand with how little sleep we need to work all those hours. At the expense of friends, family and relationships in general, we glue our noses to computer screens or our smartphones, using each precious second we can find. We become addicted to the “likes” and “comments” hoping they will inject a level of validation into what can be a somewhat superficial and sad commentary of our affairs.

Like sitting around a poker table, we raise the stakes higher and higher. We take on more commitments. Our jobs demand more and more of us, to produce greater outputs, meaning longer hours and even more commitments. We are driven to do more and, yes, buy more. Many people abuse themselves with drugs and/or alcohol in an out of control attempt to get distracted from the insaneness until they are anesthetized into dreamland and stressed beyond human comprehension.

Okay, that might be a stretch for some, but it certainly is the reality for many. But, granted it is tough.

Many of us were raised in environments where achievements and the pursuit of wanting more is hard-wired into our DNA. So, there is never enough and there is always more to be had. We push more and more to get further ahead. To be better than last year, striving for a better and more prestigious title at work. And always lurking out there somewhere, like a northern pike circling the shallow water for his next meal, is the lure of more money. We believe “money” to be the answer to all our troubles and strife. Believing that more money will buy us the peace, happiness and a simpler life we have so longed for.

What might happen though, if we decided to take a bit of side-step?

To strategically work on leaving the craziness and insaneness behind, and to go for a life that was much simpler in its complexity?

Is it even possible?

Let’s make the assumption that it is. If so, what might a less simple existence even look like?

Again, I’m not suggesting or promoting heading off to a northern Ontario wood-lot deep in the boreal forests anywhere north of Manitouwadge and hand whacking a tiny cabin together with nothing more than an axe, grit and determination. Although, if that’s what you think it takes, more power to you!

Like I do, most of us live in the real world and we have real-world commitments. It is those commitments that require us to live in the real world. The reality we see each day when we open the front door.

How can we be in this world (the crazy and insanely hectic one), but move towards living simpler? How to get out of the “race” and to step away from the busyness, whether self-imposed or not. How can I/we slow things down, while fulfilling our purpose, doing great work and living a wonderful life?

Breathing

Creating and living a much simpler life is all about breathing.

Establishing space through cutting or scaling back gives you space to breathe.

Doing more and having more doesn’t lead to happiness and fulfillment. In fact, the opposite is true. It’s about finding joy in the simple things, and being content with solitude, quiet, contemplation and savoring the moment.

A few things to keep in mind though.

We Are Our Own Worst Enemy

All of the stress, the irritations, the dissatisfaction, and disappointments; all the craziness and rushing around; we created all of it. So, whether you like it or not, we are our own worst enemy. Every one of those things we created in our own minds. We made those decisions and we created these with attachments in our heads. By letting go, we can relax and live more simply.

Clutter and Complexity

Get rid of “stuff.”

When we can get rid of “stuff” and become less attached, a couple of things can happen. If you sell some of the “tangible stuff”, you’ll have a bit of cash in your hand and most significantly, getting rid of clutter can result in these benefits:

sense of confidence – I have only X amount of space, so I need to be bold with what goes and what stays

more energy – relates to the first point. Puts you in the get things done mode

reduces anxiety – most of us prefer order as compared to chaos. Decluttering creates order and order reduces anxiety

creates more time – not overwhelmed now with the time that WAS needed to clean and tidy. Creates time for other things or to do nothingWhen we can do something like getting rid of the clutter around us, our lives start to become simpler.

Social Media

Might as well blurt it out there – “social media is the scourge of today.” Okay, it might not be “the scourge of today,” but it rates right up there.

There is no getting around it, we are addicted to those little electronic devices. Our phone, Ipads, computers and all that they deliver – we can never get enough. We check our FB feeds to see how many likes did that post get. We upload a picture of our dinner on Instagram and then head over and update our life on Twitter. Each time we “just check for a second,” a wee tiny blast of dopamine let’s loose in our brains and we become more and more addicted.

For too many of us, it’s insanely hard to stop.

In search of making our lives simpler, cutting back on social media time is an excellent element in our quest. In checking to see who’s doing what and who said what, we waste time and energy. Sadly, we get stuck in a trap of comparing ourselves with “influencers” and others on social media, which over time can erode our confidence and takes away the power we have within us as individuals.

Less screen time equates to more breathing time and space.

A Few Simple Things

How many feel that their lives and activities need to be complex. In that, complex equates to better. Often, that includes a cycle of “more complex and better” as time moves along. Yesterday’s complex and better doesn’t cut it today.

Striving towards a life that is simpler means looking inside of us, deep inside of us to discover those simple joys and activities in life.

For me, those include writing/blogging, reading and discovering new things; as well as the outdoors; including hiking and walking. Most importantly, spending time with Lynn, while she captures all of this with her photography skills and passion.

When we downsized our home after our daughter left for college, we gave more stuff away than I can remember. And when I say downsize I mean downsize… to a 700 square foot two bedroom home.

When our lives become focused on the simple things you love doing, life suddenly becomes simpler.

Less clutter; less stuff; less worry.

“No” Is Not A Bad Word

Most of us are not very clear about what we want. How many of us see a post on social media of something really neat or exciting and we become obsessed about doing whatever that was. Next thing you know, we find ourselves heading in a new and totally different direction.

When someone invites us out, we instantly say, yes. Why? Because we’re “yes people” or “people pleasers.” We simply cannot say no.

Because we can never say no, our lives and schedules get stretched to the breaking point. There’s never enough time left for the things that are most important to us.

No is not a bad word.

What if we worked really hard on those things in our existence that held the most and dearest value to us? Saying, “yes” to those things and “no” to the other stuff. If we knew what we wanted to create and the direction we want our lives to head in, we could say yes to these things, and no to everything else.

Saying no to more things would simplify our lives. No is not a bad word!

Do Nothing – Practice It Until You Get REAL GOOD at it.

Have you ever just sat back and did nothing for a day? Just hung loose and did NOTHING. No need to feel that the day had been wasted if something had not been accomplished.

We all need idle time. Time built in to sit and watch the clouds drift by on a warm summer’s afternoon. A time that is free to do nothing.

Many people feel the need to have every waking moment filled with activities and the need to accomplish so much, each and every day. The reality is we need that “down time” to rejuvenate ourselves…..to meditate; to think; to reflect.

Why?

Having that time to do nothing and just “be you” helps to foster and create contentment with life.

Get In Alignment

When working towards achieving a simpler life, at some point along the way it will become clear to you which things in your life are no longer in alignment with your values.

Part of living more simply will help you identify those unnecessary aspects of your daily life. It might be less FB and social media time, or it might be areas in your life that need significant review and thought. This could be your job; friendships; where you live; belongings (getting rid of things) or anything else that just doesn’t line up with your simpler existence.

So, is it even possible?

Yes, it is possible and like much of life, it comes down to a decision. We are the only ones who can decide if we want our lives to be less hectic and more simple in existence.

It doesn’t mean packing up and living in a tiny cabin out in the hinterlands cut off from everything. It’s about making priorities; figuring out what we want our lives to look like and then acting on those things to accomplish it.

Something tells me that as time marches on, life will become more and more complex, with greater demands on our time. Perhaps now is your moment to re-evaluate where you are… where you’re headed. To start now and simplify your life to create something that gives you room to breathe and room to live!

To quote Yvon Chouinard, an early rock climbing pioneer and founder of the outdoor equipment and clothing company Patagonia and environmental activist.

Thanks for reading and stopping by.

Eating Disorders and Mental Health – Jess

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It’s Friday, and you all know what that means! Another guest blogger! Thanks to Jess for informing my bloggers about eating disorders and how they are linked to mental health. Please remember to check her out on her social media below and give her a follow.

I’m Jess and I created a blog last year to continue the conversation about mental health. I discuss my experience with an eating disorder, depression and anxiety, and I hope that by sharing my story I can empower others to talk about their mental health and seek help along the way. You can find me on the following social media as well: Blog, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram

The “I wish I had an eating disorder.”

“I wish I had an eating disorder”, or “I have tried so hard to have an eating disorder” are just some things I have heard from people and even friends, and it has made me wonder why eating disorders seem to be so glamorized when I know the truth – and it is far from glamorous. I am not angry at friends and individuals for saying these things, but it does make me so concerned that there are people out there wishing they could have this life. I think the media is partly to blame for this, people with eating disorders are often presented in the media as young underweight females with this magical ability to restrain from food. Often the media forgets to highlight that many people with eating disorders are actually at an average weight or can be overweight, they can also be from a different gender, and it can affect different age groups. The media does not highlight that eating disorders are a mental illness that can affect anyone, and when you have one it can become one the darkest periods in your life, I would not wish an eating disorder upon anyone.

In Australia, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate out of any other mental illness, is that something people want? There are so many people out there who have no idea about eating disorders and think it’s a lifestyle choice, which it is not. This is not something I woke up one day and decide to do; this is a deeply rooted mental illness. This does highlight for me that there needs to be higher awareness in the media about the true extent of an eating disorder, as well as developing early intervention education programs within schools that educate young people on what exactly an eating disorder is.

For those who do not know, there are serious health risks that come with having an eating disorder. My immune system used to be so low currently that I would get sick instantly, and when I got a common cold it was not a typical few days still able to function cold, I become very seriously ill which meant taking time off work and missing out on social events. Something a little too TMI but should be told is that you screw up your bowels when you have an eating disorder, I became so constipated at times I have been in tears from the amount of pain and discomfort I was experiencing. I also lost my periods for a while and was told I had increased my risk of infertility, and as you get older this becomes a scary thing when you start to plan your future and consider the possibility of children and realise you may have ruined your chances.

Due to the constant vomiting over the years I would often get tonsillitis frequently throughout the year and have a severely sore throat a lot of the time, I have had an infected mouth and throat which was not pleasant. By the age of 21, I had my first tooth removed, and have been paying a ridiculous amount of money to try and save the rest of my back teeth. Other people with eating disorders suffer from the ruptured oesophagus, stomach and intestinal ulcers and can develop osteoporosis. Moreover, people who suffer from an eating disorder can also have irregular heartbeats increasing the chances of heart failure, and can also be at risk of kidney failure. Above all, the most significant risk of an eating disorder is death, which scares me so much when I hear people wishing they could have an eating disorder while individuals are dying from the illness.

I could never imagine myself saying I wish I could have depression or I wish I could have anxiety, so why do people think it is acceptable to say they wish they had an eating disorder? Eating disorders are a mental illness that crushes an individual’s self-esteem and confidence. It becomes an obsession and a means of control for people, it becomes someone’s life and energy and becomes utterly exhausting trying to control it. Eating disorders are so much more than wanting to lose weight; it is a mental illness that takes that lives of so many people. So please do not wish you had an eating disorder, because it is not fun or glamorous, it is incredibly lonely and debilitating for people.

Non-Medication Remedies For Anxiety – Brittany Lee Vaughn

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My name is Brittany Lee Vaughn. I am a 22 year old single-stay at home-first time mother to a beautiful little girl named AnnaLee Willow. Anna is currently 5 months old and the highlight of my life. Beelieve In The Journey is my personal passion project. I hope to turn my blog into a full-time job, and stay home with my darling daughter all while doing what I’m passionate about. I hope that you will consider joining me on my journey. Below is a list of my contact information and social media accounts: Beelieve In The Journey, Instagram, Facebook, Etsy, Pinterest, Google+, and Tumblr.

Non-Medication Remedies For Anxiety

The Merriam-Websterdictionary defines anxiety as “an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it.”

There are some key points I would like to point out in this definition. The first would be that anxiety is “marked by physical signs.” If you have experience with anxiety you know that anxiety will show its ugly face several minutes before or hours before an attack occurs. Either way, an anxiety attack will let you know that it is coming. This concept is what my therapist loves to refer to as “fight or flight mode.” It’s a very common phrase and refers back to our very own primitive instincts built into our very own brains.

Rick Hanson, Ph. D. explains that “the amygdala (as you know, there are two of them, one on each side of the brain) does initiate the fight or flight response through inputs into the hypothalamus (triggering the hormonal part of that response) and to brainstem control centers of the sympathetic nervous system for the neural parts of the fight or flight response.” Referring back to Webster’s definition, anxiety appears by feeling threatened. This is your fight or flight response. The duration and severity of your anxious state all depends on your “capacity to cope with it.” For some people this may be medication, but for others the idea of taking and/or relying on a medication everyday is a scary thought all within itself. As a person who also struggles with severe anxiety, I have witnessed the very panic of taking medication to cope with my anxiety.

I am here to tell you that anxiety is manageable, to a certain extent, without medication. I must say that I am not a healthcare professional. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I advise that you should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding any medical condition. From my own experience,

I have successfully managed anxiety using methods other than medication and I am here to share them with you!

Practice Mindfulness

Being mindful is one of the most effective ways to manage your anxiety. Be aware of your mind and body sending you warning signs. If you are starting to see signs of anxiety arise, whether it is long term or short term warning signs, utilize some of the upcoming tools to help you work through it.

Breathe 

When you start to feel yourself getting overwhelmed, have a go-to breathing exercise. Personally, I mix counting in with my breathing. I count down from 10 and take a deep breath in, hold it for a couple seconds, and then release. This keeps you stay inthe present moment and stops you from over thinking.

Meditate

Meditation can center your thoughts and help you overcome your fears. Mediation is a great long term anxiety method but can also be utilized in the moment of an anxiety attack. You can also mix breathing techniques in with meditation.

Self Help/Personal Development Blogs or Books

Reading blogs or books on how to improve yourself, love yourself, manage your anxiety, or even on how to just get the most out of your life will help your anxiety. The authors of these blogs or books are going through or have gone through exactly what you are going through right now. I find it very comforting to know that I am not alone in this. I hope that you do too. Best part about this is that you are already taking advantage of this tool just by reading this!

Exercise

Exercise is a very BLEH way for some people to manage their anxiety. From personal experience it does help. It gives a sense of accomplishment. It makes me feel strong and capable. Sometimes anxiety is caused from overthinking and being hard on ourselves.Exercising eliminates these aspects of anxiety. If you aren’t able to go for a run or hit the gym you can simply walk, practice yoga, or do some vigorous cleaning. These are lighter forms of exercise that will also give you those same feelings.

Changing Your Sleep Patterns

If you are anything like me then depression and anxiety go hand in hand. One of the most effective ways to manage both of these at once is changing your sleep patterns. Most people will recommend that you get 8-9 hours of sleep a night to become well rested. Although, too much sleeping can be detrimental to your mental health and well being. To a certain extent, I believe in this. On the other hand I believe sleep can give you a mental reboot of sorts. If I start to feel myself getting anxious I will go to bed early or take a nap. Too much sleep can be seen as depression warning signs, but it can also be a great self love and reboot tool as well.

Brain Dump

Something I use all the time are brain dump tools. I go a bit overboard and use a bullet journal, planner, writing journal, as well as a counselor. I am very comforted by lists and organization. I feel like I have control over myself, my brain, and my emotions if I am able to put it all on paper. A bullet journal helps me create an environment to place all my lists, plans, and habits. A writing journal helps me dump all of my overthinking out onto paper. Once I pour everything out I shut the journal and never read it again. Once my thoughts are on paper, then that is it. Worries out the door! I see a counselor whenever I need to work through something that is causing me emotional distress or making me nervous. Having someone unbiased and experienced makes me feel safe and allows me to move forward. I highly advise to use any one or more of these tools to help you stop overthinking and causing worry.

These are just some things that have personally helped me overcome my anxiety everyday. I hope that they can help you as well.

You are not alone. It is incredibly important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you and that what you are going through is normal. Anxiety IS manageable especially when you have support. If you start to feel like it is unmanageable reach out for help. Whether it is a health expert, a friend, a family member, or even me. I am always an email or private message away.

Bee Inspired,

Brittany Lee Vaughn

I want to thanks Brittany for sending over her entry as a guest blogger for my blog! She’s been patiently waiting for it to go up on my site because I had so many people send me their posts over the last few months, and still more are coming in! Check our Brittany’s blog, or hit her up on any social media listed at the top for more stories and remember to check in on your mental health from time to time.

My Depression Story & 3 Steps I Took to Get Help – A Red Hair Girl

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My first guest for the new year! A special thanks for this very detailed blog from a new friend, Stephanie! You can find her at the following links: Facebook Instagram and Twitter. I’m just going to let her take it away and share her story!

Hello! I’m Stephanie Robbins. I’m a new blogger over at A Red Hair Girl. I am a mental health, family, travel, and education lifestyle blogger. I have 4 kiddos. Mr. E is 7, Miss L is almost 5, Miss S is 3, and Miss N is 1. I am a stay at home mom. I taught first grade for nine years before I stayed home. I have worked full time, part time, and stayed at home with kiddos. It’s all hard.

Photo Credit: Whitney Beth Photography

I wanted to start a blog for a long time before I got the courage and strength to go for it. I found some great resources by way of another blogger couple that was very helpful in getting things set up. I have learned so much but have a LONG way to go.

One of the main reasons I started blogging was to help my depression and anxiety. I kept a closed lid for so long, it was tiring. The more I started to open up about some of my mental health illnesses I realized so many others were also going through the same or similar things.

For a long time I tried to deal with it on my own. I was teaching part time in a less than ideal situation. It should have been ideal but I was struggling. I was not a good mom. I was not a good teacher. I was not a good wife. That’s what I thought and certainly felt.

I was being pulled in too many directions. It was overwhelming and I was not happy. I had to work for a few years to help provide for our family while my husband (Eddy) was in school full time. Having to work took out some of the fun. Eddy was in pharmacy school, it was not cheap. So we choose to have me work part time (making the big bucks teaching part time… haha!) to not have to take out as many living loans.

We decided that the last year Eddy was in school I would take an unpaid leave of absence from teaching. I was pregnant with our third, we had to purchase a van to get to fit three car seats in, and we moved out of our tiny basement apartment into the house we bought. It was a lot of change at one time. Good change though.

The first year I wasn’t working after having kids was great. It was super weird to not go back to work when school started. But it was also amazing! I loved being home with my kids. It was great to be able to get to know other families in the neighborhood and get to play with them.

Miss S

I had depression after each of my babies. Looking back before having kids and being married I had depression. It was different from after having kids. I just felt lonely or down at times. With each baby my depression became worse. After I had Miss S (baby number 3) it was a game changer.

She was born in November 2015. I wasn’t just depressed, I was angry. I would be fine and then would snap. It was the sheer number of kids. I was totally outnumbered and out handed. Miss S was our best baby so far so I was confused.

It took me until about May before I decided to go get help. Eddy was super supportive. That was huge and very helpful. I called my OBGYN to get some names of therapists. I was so scared. I was terrified to admit that I needed help. I thought I was a failure. Why couldn’t I control what was happening to my body?!

Guess what? My negative thoughts were SO backwards! I was not a failure. I was a hero for myself to realize I needed help and that I was taking the first step to get help. I made some phone calls and found someone close to me that insurance would cover.

I called and left a message. I thought I was going to throw up or explode with nervousness. She soon called back and I had an appointment. There were a lot of mixed emotions going on. Again, when the day came for my appointment I was nervous.

It was June or July of 2016 and I was finally doing one of the best things that I could have done to help save myself. Save myself from a life of misery. Save my children from having a sad mom all the time. Save my husband from feeling helpless.

It wasn’t overnight that things started to get better. It wasn’t easy. But little by little I started to have better moments, better days, and then weeks. Am I 100% depression free? Oh heck no! I doubt I’ll ever be. However, now I have more tools to help me. I have a better support team. I now see my therapist about every 2 months. I have to be realistic that depression will always be a part of my life with highs and lows.

The follow are some steps I took to help myself.

Admit You Need Help

This was the hardest thing for me to do. I like to think I can take care of myself. But in reality I’m better when I let people help me. I may have an issue with control. So not being able to control myself was scary. Ok, I have an issue with control. 😉 I’m willing to bet that this might be the hardest step for you too. I’m here to say you CAN do it! You are not weak or silly or crazy. Well, you may be a little crazy… haha! I sure was! My point is that once you can say you need help you might have a huge weight lifted off of you. I did.

My challenge for you is to go look in the mirror and say out loud, “I am not happy. I need help. I am not weak, but strong. I am WORTH it!” Now you may not need to say those exact words. Whatever you are struggling with I want you to say it out loud. You may cry, you may laugh, or you may get pumped up. I hope you feel some relief. Then you will be ready for step number two.

Talk To Others About Your Struggles

It can also be hard to admit to others you don’t have all your stuff together. But let me tell you a little secret (or maybe you already know this…J). No one has their stuff together! If they say they do, I’m calling their BS! Haha!

Eddy, My Biggest Support

You just might find yourself connecting and becoming closer to those you talk about your struggles with. Or you might find out that they also struggle. What a great way to build a deeper relationship. This new knowledge might be so helpful in the future when you need a lifeline and they can give you one.

Since I have been more open about my depression I have had great conversations with some friends where I find out some of the things they struggle with. Just the other day I ran into a friend that I haven’t seen for a while. We chatted and had a great time. She must have seen my blog or social media posts where I have been more open about my mental health. She was very open and forthcoming about some of the things she has been struggling with. I felt our relationship get stronger and my love for her grew.

Why wouldn’t we want that? Why would I want to keep my mental health a secret when it can be shared and then strength can come from it?

Family is a great place to start opening up

I challenge you to think of at least one person you can share your mental health struggles with. Think of someone that you feel will love and support you. The goal is to not have this person feel like they need to fix you, because they won’t be able to. Maybe that needs to be said to them. This should be the beginning of a more open relationship.

Get A Therapist

At this point I had admitted to myself I needed help. My husband, some of my family, and a few friends knew. I mentioned it was super scary to call the therapist and leave that message. To have to admit to a total stranger was hard. I’m glad it wasn’t in person.

I want you to think if talk therapy might be helpful for you. Let me give you a hint, it probably will. I suggest you just try it for a little while and see what happens. Let me answer a big question for you… Yes, it’s pricey. But can you and should you put a price on your happiness? No way! You are so important that you need to do what you need to help yourself. So go pick up your phone and make that phone call! Call your insurance to see who is covered and close to you. Then start calling therapists to see who is taking new clients. You may need to make a few phone calls and shop around for a therapist that you feel comfortable with AND trust. Again this can get pricey. I’m still going to answer the same, JUST DO IT ANYWAYS!

I was blessed that the first one I met with I instantly felt calm and comfortable with. Years ago, before I was married, my mom suggested I go talk to someone because she felt I wasn’t as happy as I normally was. (I told her about this a couple days ago and she has no memory, haha!)

The first therapist I went to I didn’t feel that connection. So I went to another one. She was better and I met with her for a little while. I tried to find her when I decided I needed help back in 2016. I couldn’t find her and I’m glad. I really like my therapist that I have now. We have a better connection then I had with the other therapist.

So now that I have rambled on for what seems like forever I am going to challenge you to find a therapist (or counselor, social worker, any health or medical professional). Give it a good try to see how you like talk therapy. You just might find a winning connection.

I still have a ways to go. I always say I take a baby step forward and some big steps back. Haha! At least I’m getting those baby steps forward. Those small victories are the ones we need to celebrate and grow from.

You also need to celebrate the small victories. Don’t be hard on yourself. You can do this one baby step at a time.

I have a post where I talk about some of the steps I’ve taken while in therapy that have helped me. Head over to my blog to find it.

A Simple Piece of Gratitude – Steph’s Life

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Even though it’s after Christmas, this might be a good present to start now for next year! Now, I know what you’re thinking, “A year long gift?!” But trust me, it’s going to be something so satisfying and give so much gratitude to your friends and family you won’t even think about it after the first day. Thanks Stephanie for sending over a simple, mindful blog post with a present ides for next holiday season!

Hello new friends! I’m Stephanie Conroy – I write for the Travelling Peach, as well as my own blog, Stephslife.net I am a mom of 4, 2 are special needs. I am @stephie_lark on Instagram and Twitter, and my FB Page.

It is that time of year again, the time we think of gifts and family, but it is also still time to practice gratitude. The thing about gratitude is when you are practicing it and really in that moment, no negative thoughts or emotions can come into this state of mind. The key is learning to practice it regularly, to make it a habit.

A great way to do this is to keep a gratitude journal. This can be something you start or end your day with, but it can also be something you do when you feel stressed. It can be like meditation, and take you out of that negative state of mind.

A gratitude journal also does not have to be something you do for just yourself. A few years ago, I bought journals for the people in my life and every day I wrote what about them made me feel so grateful. This is a gift that only really costs time. and love.

Gratitude and mindfulness both really can do so much to improve our lives, and sharing that can help improve the lives of others. It can help keep you grounded and happy with yourself, as well as the people in your life, and take the focus off of material objects. If you have a tendency to feel stressed during the holiday season, it can also assist you in that area of your life.

The best part of the idea is there is always something to be grateful for, so, in that abundance, there is also the ability to find an abundance in happiness as well.

Holiday Stress – Mama Detox

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Hey everyone! My name is Rebecca, better known as Mama D, the face of Mama Detox. I am a mother of 6 kids…three grown & on their own and three still at home. We have run the gamut of home schooling, public school and now the younger 3 are at a private Waldorf School. Years ago due to allergies starting in one of my daughters (I have 5) we began removing toxic substances from our life, not just with food, but in EVERY aspect of our life.

My goal at Mama Detox is to help families transform their toxic lives into happy lifestyles. Join us on our journey and start your own at www.mamadetox.com or follow us on Instagram, Pinterest or even on Facebook.

Does the thought of the upcoming holiday season send you into a panic? Are you stressed trying to get everything accomplished? Do your children send fighting and sibling rivalry to a whole new level during the holidays?

Breathe! Let Mama Detox help you reduce the toxic effect of holiday stress.

Holiday stress is nothing new. I am sure we are all very familiar with it, not only in our own lives, but in the lives of our children. Being the unique individuals that we are, we tend to manifest stress in different ways, but yet the same. Adults often become irritable, grouchy, short-tempered, yelling, cutting others off…just downright rude. Children as well will get irritable, short-tempered, easily frustrated, grouchy and the temper tantrums, screaming fits, sibling fights, unkind words, even hitting, kicking and biting episodes become all to common during the holidays. Unfortunately the negative effects of stress go far deeper than the outward scenes we see, hear or initiate ourselves.

One of the first steps is to identify what are the triggers or situations that causes our stress level to rise? Is it hosting the big family meal at our house? Cooking for all of those people? How about the endless barrage of holiday party invites? Trying to find the perfect gift for everyone on our list? What about your children’s source of stress? Does visiting all of those seldom seen relatives strike fear in their little heart? To many late night parties upsetting their routine and sleep cycles? Excessive amounts of sugar? (watch for an upcoming post on the dangers of sugar) It could be that your stress is being passed onto them without you even realizing it. Children are extremely intuitive and can sense when you are upset/stressed. They may not be able to verbalize it or how it makes them feel, but they know that their normally calm, supportive safety net is not as strong as it should be. In a crazy, frenzied time of life children need that calm, peaceful, reassurance their parent normally provides even more than usual.

Now that you have identified the cause(s) of stress in you and your children it is time to find a way to limit the negativity it causes in your life. Often we as parents have very different view points from our children (or even our significant other) as to which holiday traditions are truly important or even enjoyable. If you and your partner have not had a recent discussion as to what is important to each of you during the holiday season, I encourage you to do so before things get crazy and before you know it another holiday has come and gone. Even if you hashed it all out earlier in your relationship, priorities change as we get older, what was once THE tradition for your partner may not even register with them now. Or perhaps you had sat down shortly before the birth of your oldest and decided how the holidays would play out, but now 4 kids later, trying to follow that same schedule is just madness. Take some time, go on a date and discuss it, make a list one evening after the kids are in bed, get up early one morning and plan it out over coffee together…but have a conversation and get on the same page. This one step alone may relieve more stress than you think.

Next, if your children are old enough, ask them which traditions are important to them. Which ones could they happily let go? Are there any new ones they may have seen/heard of that they would like to add? The answers may surprise you. Years ago, after my first husband and I separated, I sat down with my older three (the fourth was less than 2 yrs) and asked them what traditions they felt we should keep, which was the most important to them, where there any traditions they didn’t really care if we still did or not, and was there a tradition that they didn’t even like? Surprisingly one tradition that all 3 of them found stressful was receiving a yearly Christmas stuffed animal. They all felt like because this was a “special” stuffed animal that they would have to keep it forever even if they didn’t want too. I was *SHOCKED*! My children did not want a toy? They were even stressed by thought of having to lug this animal around with them forever? Well, that was one tradition that as a newly single, strapped for cash, parent I was happy to get rid of!

Point to the post: often sources of holiday stress are ones we bring upon ourselves. We think our partner/kids/family want tradition x, y, z, but in reality they could happily do with out it. So, have a discussion. Communicate with each other and let the de-stressing begin!

Check out my FREE 5 day mini course on Holiday Stress Busters!

Thanks Rebecca from Mama Detox for sharing this short and to the point Holiday Stress post with my Unsanity Readers! Remembering to communicate for the holiday season is important, even if (and especially if!) you need help or guidance along the way to de-stressing. It doesn’t get better unless you acknowledge there is stress to begin with.

Fibromyalgia and Me – Sydney Culver

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Hello Unsanity readers! Thank you for staying with me this far along in my featured guests posts! I have been doing this since about October and have featured over 10 guests thus far! My next one is no stranger to anxiety and life struggles, especially when dealing with a physical illness that triggers these types of reactions. Please welcome Sydney Culver and her battle and realization with Fibromyalgia and mental health.

Four years ago, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. At the time, I didn’t realize there were signs years before and of course I didn’t know what to look for, so I treated the symptoms and not the cause. I broke out in a horrific case of hives, conveniently when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. The hives were so bad, the doctor wanted to me to essentially sign my life away by agreeing to some egregious amount of steroids to get the issue under control. I was already on a serious course of steroids, and had put on at least fifteen pounds, coupled with a moon face. I was terribly depressed and in pain. My ex-husband suggested another allergist, who was less aggressive and my husband was all for the second opinion. In about a month the new doctor had the hive condition in remission and the swelling began to go down. Nevertheless, my personal life was in shambles and even though I was getting better physically, I believe I was becoming a bit unhinged mentally.

I never really believed in “mental illness”, “anxiety” or “stress”. I thought one could just stop being sad, or depressed or anxious. I figured if you want to feel good, you will. Make yourself snap out of it! Boy was I mistaken. When your life is in turmoil and your health is in question, you cannot just snap out of it. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating. There was one night when my sixteen-year-old daughter stayed up most of the night with me, comforting me as if she were the mom. I was that far gone. There was no way I could gain control of my emotions without help. I ended seeing a psychiatrist and he put me on an anxiety med and a sleeping pill. I learned exactly why sleep deprivation was a form of torture. I slowly got my life back on track.

A few years later, I was promoted from assistant principal to principal. The only catch was we had to relocate to North Carolina from Florida. My husband and I were elated. Before I was to report to work, we planned a trip to my hometown of Manhattan. It was hot and grimy in the city and my feet and hands began to seize up as we walked around town. I felt a shooting pain from my finger tips to my elbows and my fingers were so swollen, I couldn’t even wear my wedding ring. I thought the heat was getting to me but once I started the job and began to deal with the stress of a boss who loved to bully and belittle me, the shooting pain in my feet, fingers and arms, and the move from one state to another I realized there was something really wrong. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I would cry at the drop of a hat, my best friend came to visit and didn’t recognize me. My husband and bestie wanted me to walk away from the job. The stress was clearly breaking me down and once again, I wasn’t sleeping or eating.

As time went on, I had the wherewithal to not let the bully win. My primary doctor recommended a great neurologist who began to test for various auto immune diseases and I began the process of treatment. The medications are not only nerve blockers, but also used to treat depression and anxiety, which seems to accompany Fibromyalgia (my eventual diagnosis).

I believe the mind can control health. Stress can manifest itself as a disease. You cannot control the snowball effect of anxiety or depression without help. I suggest you don’t even try. There’s no shame in admitting you have a problem.

The Story of a Grieving Journey – Tiffany South

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My Name is Tiffany, I’m honored to have this opportunity to be a guest here. I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and depression, which stems from losing my 2 sons. Here’s a little backstory.

I had my first baby in 2008. After a very long stressful pregnancy in and out of hospitals, bed rest, etc. I had my baby boy in 2008. Peyton, he was born very, very sick and there was no treatment for his condition. We got to bring him home after him being in the NICU for 3 days after they had run various tests on him as soon as he was delivered via cesarean section. He was with us for 10 days, 7 days at home before he passed away in my arms.

Babyless… But I’m a mom, I need my baby… How do I go on!?!?

I didn’t want to go on! My arms ached for my baby boy. In 2009 we decided it was time to have another baby. We did but, this time….. twins.

Yes, twins this is the start of Happy and sad!?!

HAPPY AND SAD

Everyone kept saying to me aww.. you’re going to have your family now, seriously….ok maybe they meant well, but it was very painful to listen to them.

BUT I WAS ALREADY A MAMA

A mama with no baby… the cradle was empty. A bedroom filled with baby decor, baby clothes and well the JCPenney theme teddy bear set I just had to have. A room filled with hopefulness and filled with all the love in the world. The bedroom door now shut! Why? Well because I couldn’t bear to look at the empty room. The room that should have new life, a little boy napping or him, needing me for a feeding.

LIFE AND TWINS

Short story After yet another long stressful pregnancy in and out of hospitals…being in the hospital for one month straight. One of my twins died after 21 days his name was Brenden and his twin, my daughter. I named her Emmah. Brenden, like Peyton, got to come home also and died in our arms.

GRIEVING

After this time we felt like we didn’t have much time to grieve. With a newborn baby girl, we decided the best thing to do was to concentrate on our family to make our way through a difficult time. About a year passed and I made the decision to start my own business. I began an In-Home child care business so I could keep my daughter home with me.

During this year my husband and I began to notice changes in our anxiety and attitude. My husband spent a lot of time in bed when he was off, and I began to have a lot of anxiety when performing tasks like driving. We decided to seek help and attend group therapy for grieving and saw a counselor for about 5 sessions. We began to feel better after the sessions and decided we could handle it on our own from now on.

What we didn’t know or maybe knew but ignored was that we were far from better. As the years went on we both began to deteriorate. My husband once again began to withdraw from us on his days off. Staying in bed and not being active around the house. He would still play and take care of our daughter but he was not the same fun-loving guy I married.

I began to notice my anxiety grow when it came to driving. Having panic attacks while even driving a short distance. Also, I began to notice I felt more irritable and angry. I felt my anxiety going up over things that normally wouldn’t be a big deal to me in the past. It got to the point where my husband came to me and said he couldn’t live like this anymore due to his rising anxiety attacks.

We never once gave up on each other and when my husband came to me, I was hesitant at first because what I didn’t see then but know now is, I was scared to face and relive the trauma again! I didn’t realize this at the time but this was the reason we were deteriorating. We began therapy again in 2015 and this is when we were both diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder on top of our depression.

We were both put on medication which made a huge difference for us also continuing with therapy. The more we have learned about our disorder the more we have realized that it had been a serious problem for years that we had ignored. Our bodies were trying to tell us that we needed help in dealing with our trauma but we would not listen. We continued to fool ourselves into thinking we could handle it without help.

We have become good at watching each other for the symptoms knowing that is a sign to either adjust our medication (which I have just recently changed) or talking about what we are feeling. At one point I felt myself slipping back into depression. Things were not bringing me happiness as before, I was feeling overwhelmed and working in my daycare for 12 hours a day at 5 days a week so 60 plus hours a week. I have recently shortened my hours. I have turned Families away that need longer hours. I HAVE to think of my happiness first and also my families.

Around this time is when I began my blog about homeschooling my daughter. It has been great therapy for me to share my story, our homeschooling Journey and hopefully help others along the way. My husband and I will always work as a team. Through thick and thin, happiness and sadness. We call ourselves Team South!!

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my story, I know how precious your time is.

Endnotes:

Pay attention to your body. It will tell you when something is wrong. DO NOT be afraid to ask for help. We have learned over the years that everyone grieves differently. Reach out to a family member, a friend, or a licensed counselor.

You don’t need for it to be a public matter If you don’t want it to be. which is something at first I struggled with. Only very close family members knew and one of my best friends. It’s not anything to be ashamed about but I choose to keep it private.

I’m on medication for my depression and anxiety disorder but I did this for myself to help my life and how I feel and cope. Most people will not have to live this trauma of losing a child let alone two children but whatever you face in life don’t ever hesitate to reach out to someone. Your life is worth living and to live it healthy and happy.

I want to give a big thank you to Tiffany for sharing her story with us on the Unsanity Blog. It take a lot of strength, courage and being honest with yourself to share such a story and I’m happy to have her as my guest this week. You can find her at the links below if you want to read more of her writing and what she does with her blog.

Tiffany South @ https://royalhomeschoolmomblog.com

Facebook Page

Instagram

Royal Deliveries

Comfort, finally

Self-expression to salvage the self

Elevating my mood with colors

The power of embracing compliments

Is it even possible?

Breathing

A few things to keep in mind though.

We Are Our Own Worst Enemy

Clutter and Complexity

Social Media

A Few Simple Things

“No” Is Not A Bad Word

Do Nothing – Practice It Until You Get REAL GOOD at it.

Get In Alignment

Thanks for reading and stopping by.

The “I wish I had an eating disorder.”

The follow are some steps I took to help myself.

Admit You Need Help

Talk To Others About Your Struggles

Get A Therapist

Does the thought of the upcoming holiday season send you into a panic? Are you stressed trying to get everything accomplished? Do your children send fighting and sibling rivalry to a whole new level during the holidays?

Breathe! Let Mama Detox help you reduce the toxic effect of holiday stress.

Point to the post: often sources of holiday stress are ones we bring upon ourselves. We *think* our partner/kids/family want tradition x, y, z, but in reality they could happily do with out it. So, have a discussion. Communicate with each other and let the de-stressing begin!

Babyless… But I’m a mom, I need my baby… How do I go on!?!?

Yes, twins this is the start of Happy and sad!?!

HAPPY AND SAD

BUT I WAS ALREADY A MAMA

LIFE AND TWINS

GRIEVING

Endnotes:

Point to the post: often sources of holiday stress are ones we bring upon ourselves. We think our partner/kids/family want tradition x, y, z, but in reality they could happily do with out it. So, have a discussion. Communicate with each other and let the de-stressing begin!