Tag Archives: words

I Don’t Sugarcoat My Feelings

I cannot prove to you that real love exists if you don’t want to believe in it. I cannot tear down your wall if you keep on building one brick after the other. I cannot ask you to turn fucked-up to normal, lies to truth, broken promises to future plans, empty kisses to meaningful ones. I cannot ask you to change your old ways for us. I cannot ask you to change for me.
I am the kind of person who wouldn’t let the people that mean the most to me go to bed angry or upset with me because I give a shit. I apologize the instant I realize I was wrong. I will always choose a connection I have with someone over the connection I have with my ego.

I put myself out there and I do it fearlessly. I don’t sugarcoat my feelings. I mean what I say and my words have value. I go after what I want and I go for it a 100%. I am someone you count on in sickness and in health. I am someone who will fight for you and will always remind you of your worth. I am the kind of person who will love you endlessly. I am very simple in my chaos. All I am looking for is a partner, a best friend, a team player.

I’ve got a million and one reasons to walk away from everything and not look back. In the grand scheme of things, I need to take care of myself and myself alone (and of course my kitties as well,  they will never be left out.) I don’t have time to worry about you and what you’re feeling when you have disregarded mine for long enough. But that’s just how you are, and I’m not going to make you change your ways for me. You should want to. If you loved what we were and how we were, you should want to. Not only for you, but for us. There’s a fine line between loving someone and being in love with someone. And to be honest, I’m not sure if you ever did either.

This is something I recently found from Thought Catalog, and it fits perfectly with what I’m going through, how you acted and what you did to me. And I’m not going to sugar coat anything anymore. I know my worth and I know what I deserve and for you to walk away repeatedly like it’s just nothing and keep hurting me is not making you look like the man you so say you are.
I can’t figure out why it’s so hard for me to explain my feelings to you when we’re together. I look at you and I have a million and one thoughts flowing through my head at once. Sometimes I’m yelling at you, other times I’m pleading, however neither of these are vocal, it’s all in my head.

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Dead silence; you can hear me breathing and I look pained, but no matter how many times I try I can’t form words. You ask me if I’m okay, or what’s bothering me and I take the easy way out, I tell you nothing. When in reality it is absolutely everything.

So I need you to read this, and picture me standing in front of you. Picture me looking extremely sad, like this is the hardest thing you’ve seen me have to do. There’s a good chance there would be tears streaming down my face, and I may have some struggles of catching my breath at times but I’d want you to be silent and let me get it all out.

Deep breath… Here it goes.

I am struggling with what has transpired recently between the two of us. I can’t fathom a world that doesn’t have you and I together, but I can’t imagine that I can continue on much longer how we are right now. I’m hurt and you don’t get to say that I’m not. I’m more than hurt; I’m disappointed and heartbroken. You know the shit that I’ve been through with other males in my life and yet you still managed to dig your own knife into my heart.

You’ve made me cry. Repeatedly, over and over again. I’m tired of crying. I don’t know how there are still tears left. Yet, I stick around. And why do I do this when you have clearly told me over and over that you don’t want to get back together, that you can’t give me what I want, that you don’t want the same things that I want?

Bullshit. Your words are all bullshit.

It isn’t fair that you can get the benefits of talking and seeing me without having to commit to me. To be able to say the things you say and think it’s okay to get away with it. You get to act like this single bachelor with no worries and no cares, yet keep stringing me along as well. How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you are tearing apart probably the one girl who has actually truly had feelings for you. Does it bother you at all that you had finally found a girl who wasn’t like the rest of the ones who have been in your life?

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. I am so sorry that there are girls out there who decided to take advantage of the wonderful man I fell in love with and caused you to put up this barrier around your heart. I’m sorry you don’t think you deserve the kind of love that I’m willing to give you. I can’t begin to understand how you feel and I won’t even pretend that I do. I have always said I’d stand beside you though no matter what and listen when you needed someone in your corner.

It isn’t fair, however, for you to compare me to anyone else. I’m not them and I will never be them. I am 100x a better woman than they will ever be. I didn’t come into this to screw with your emotions or break your heart. If anything I’m the girl that wanted to help heal those wounds.

I want to believe you’re better then the rest of them, but your actions and how you treat me make you just like them. I feel like I’m not good enough, like there is something severely wrong with me. You make me feel that way. You make me judge myself and bring myself down.

You make me feel used, like an object and that is not okay. I am a person, a real human with feelings, a lot of them damnit and you just brush them off. Come to think about it, you’re not the guy who I started to fall in love with. That guy wouldn’t treat me this way. He wouldn’t be okay with the fact that I’m upset, and that he caused a frown instead of a smile. He wouldn’t say things that are rude or disrespectful because he knew how to treat a lady. The guy I’m looking at right now is just a shell of the man I thought I knew. Personally I think it’s all an act, to shield yourself from feeling anything, from opening yourself up to the possibility of love and the small chance of getting hurt.

I want to scream at you, shake you, strangle you and kiss you all at the same time. I want to force you to look in me in the eyes while I’m crying my heart out to you and force you to tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me. I won’t though, because I shouldn’t have to beg you to want me.

You should want to be with me because I was, and am, good for you. But not just when it’s convenient for you. You should try and love me and you should want to because I’m pretty freaking amazing is what I would say; you won’t find another girl like me I can guarantee that.

As I’d walk away from you I’d secretly be hoping that you would reach for me, tell me to stay but I know you and I know that’s wishful thinking.

So if you read this I hope it hits you hard, in the gut, and with all the feels. With the reality that the girl who cared the most about you, would have done anything for you and valued your opinion is gone. Everything will have gone silent and you will be left alone, just like you continuously tell me you want to be. Though you won’t chase after me then, you’ll look for me eventually. Something will trigger a memory and some light bulbs will go off but I’m telling you, if I walk away this time it will be too late.

These are the words I wish I could say to you when we’re standing in the same room, when you ask me what’s wrong and all I can say is nothing.

Because when I say it’s nothing, I actually mean it’s everything. 

 

Source: Thought Catalog 01/30/2017

Hush Now Don’t You Cry

Hush now don’t cry… wipe away the teardrop from your eye. You’re lying safe in bed… It was all a bad dream spinning in your head. Your mind tricked you to feel the pain of someone close to you leaving the game of life. So here it is, another chance- wide awake you face the day. Your dream is over… Or has it just begun?

I’m listening to one of my favorite songs right now – Silent Lucidity by Queensryche. I don’t know why I love it so much but anytime I hear it it makes me think of some Opeth and I like to sway back and forth to the beat. It comforts me I think and that’s something I don’t have often. Today was interesting. I went to work and was bored most of the day and then went to the gym after with an old friend. It was actually lots of fun and a good time I needed out I think. I usually go to the gym alone.. but it was nice to have someone there to talk to for once. I’m not good with meeting people online or in person for that matter.. and well I feel better talking online for some reason at first. But I haven’t seen him in ages and it was a good time tonight.

On that note, I’m back on the gym kick. I figure if I have to pay for it for a year I might as well use it and try and lose some weight finally for once since I’ve been saying that I’m going to for weeks now. It’s just a matter of eating right and eating good.. that’s always my problem. I can go to the gym every day of the week if I wanted to. But when it comes to eating better I suck at it sadly. I need someone to kick my butt into gear to eat right for once. I’m so used to eating everything I wanted to and not gaining weight at all because of the Mono I had in my body and now my metabolism is catching up to me from the last 10 years and making me not lose any weight at all. I don’t like being the way I am when I gained like 30 pounds in a year and a half two years now. It sucks and everything I used to like and wear doesn’t fit me anymore and it’s real disheartening.

I’ve had more time lately to write, obviously, since I don’t do too much anymore. I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, I have more time for me and well.. I’m not sure if I like it or not to be honest. It makes me think and that’s the last thing I like to do is to think. Then I get all these crazy ideas and stuff. I’m trying to go out there and meet new people and go to the gym more.. and take myself on “me” dates and relax a lot more. I think I’m too .. used to being around people and never really focused on myself and what I want to do in life. Now I have the chance to do that for once for awhile and I’m going to start doing that. Whether that means finding a job I like and want to stick with or moving to find said job.. you never know what might happen now. I’m not attached to anything here really and I’m not going to let anyone stop me at this point.

I want to start living and traveling and relaxing and taking care of me. This time next year I could have the job I always wanted or be living in another state or even country… I’ve always wanted to do something crazy; I just need to figure out how to incorporate the cats into my life. Maybe it’s time I rented that RV and packed up what I needed sold the rest and went on my way. I think about that a lot obviously.. as it’s been in my most recent blog posts multiple times. I think I really do need to leave the valley and start doing what I really want to do. No that doesn’t mean I’m coming home family.. as much as you want me to. I need to do me, and that’s not at home unfortunately. (Sorry mom, but you should come with me anyway and do something spontaneous.) And how ironic … Iron Maiden Run To The Hills just came on my music.. so fitting I think.

I’m pretty sure my roommates can hear me singing because I’ve been blasting some 80’s hits now and old school music and singing along and I have headphones in.. oops. I have no shame anymore I don’t care I’ll sing all the 80’s tunes that my heart desires. I don’t get to do that enough really.. and I need to get it out of my system everyonce in awhile. HEAVEN ISNT TOO FAR AWAYYYY. CLOSER TO IT EVERY DAY. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT SAYYYY; WE’LL FIND OUR WAY. YEEAHHH.  There that’s my little shit for the night right there. Let’s see if you know what song that is and who it’s by. 10 cookies to anyone who can name that song and if you don’t know it without looking up the lyrics.. I don’t know you anymore. Seriously. Know your anthems damnit. /rant on 80’s tunes.

I really didn’t have a purpose for this entry today – I just wanted something to do I think before going to bed. And I’ve been sitting here listening to 80’s jams now after Iron Maiden came on and I put on the 80’s Love Station on Apple Music. Well then, this brings back so many memories and I love it. I’m going to sit here and keep jamming out to 80’s love ballads and sing them till I sleep. If you cant put up with that then well, I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to. Btw, Nobody’s Fool is on right now. Name that band.

In honor of 80’s Here’s a throwback photo from College Koral

When The Warm Wind Comes Again

My beloved do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily- How can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours? I’m still proud of what we were; no pain remains no feelings – eternity awaits. Grant me wings that I may fly.

Back at Barnes and Nobles again on a Friday night because I have no life and it gets me out of the house for the moment. I’m still listening to the same album from yesterday unfortunately. It soothes me and makes me feel happy to some extent; even though half of it makes me want to cry half the time because of the lyrics.. isn’t it obvious? They’re meaningful and I can relate to them a lot. (If you’re confused as to which album it is, it’s VNV Nation with the Babelsberg Film Orchestra – Resonance. I love orchestral pieces, and would like to go see another soon. I need to find me someone who wants to go to Broadway with me and see some plays. I tree up roaming the city and I miss it. I wish I could live there and work there. I’d make a perfect New Yorker in my opinion. I love people and I love the city. Too bad it’s so damn expensive. Maybe now that I no longer have to rely on someone and can do what my brain wants for once, I can try to look for a job in the city and move there and finally do what I want to do. That’s just a thought. Any city really… but New York is ideal for me since I can always take a train home and leave my car with mom.. that’s what I wanted to do from the start but it never got to that point and then things shifted and I moved to PA. Not saying I regret that at all.. I’ve met all the people I know today by moving here and giving up all those fake friends in NJ.. I’m glad I was able to move to a place outside my comfort zone – I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I’m kind of shoved in a corner right now at Barnes and Nobles – I’ve made my nest and there are people all around me. I’m glad I’ve got my headphones on though – it drowns out het they’re saying because they’re disturbing my mental ability to put words together here for this post. There are definitely more people here than last night – and now there’s a baby crying next to me… Help. No bueno, no babies. Ugh. No wonder I never want any kids. I can’t even stand other peoples… unless I can give them back at the end of the day. I love them… when they’re not mine to take home. And for some reason they love me. I worked at a day camp for years, and I loved all the kids there but I would never never in a million years take any of them home with me or want to. They were the brattiest most annoying children ever with hardly any supervision. Every now and then you’d get a good kid who was quiet and not annoying at all and then hope seemed to be restored. But then – demon child from hell. Not something I wanted to deal with when taking them home. I’ve known for awhile now I never want children. And I was lucky enough to find someone who didn’t want them either.. now that they’re gone, I feel its going to be hard to find someone else that never wants children either. And truthfully does not want any, not just because they love me; but because that’s what they want as well.

I’ve moved now to my bed and have stopped writing for the night. It’s now Sunday night and 8pm. I’m sitting in bed doing nothing but this and Friends on TV. Romeo is sitting here staring at me, Moomoo is sleeping on my purse that’s on my bed. Tonight’s hard for me. He admitted he missed me and loved me, which is great.. but still refuses to act like a human adult and talk about problems and work on what we have. I want to know if I’m wasting my time. I don’t like wasting my time on things that will go nowhere. I have a life to live and I can’t keep putting my life on hold for everyone and everything. If nothing is better by April, I am then looking to move to another state again and start over and cut ties to everyone and everything.. I’ve thought about this recently more than I’d like to, but I think sometimes you just need to pick up and leave and not look back. Those that miss you will let you know and be there for you and those that don’t will show it by not making themselves present at all in your life. I already found out who my friends were once, I guess I’ll find that out again if I leave this area. I’ve not much left to give and I’m tired of wasting my time. Once my lease is up, over the summer maybe, and I can save up some money maybe.. I can leave and move on finally.

I shouldn’t be feeling like shit all the time; and I deserve to live. After all, I’m only 26 and I want to travel. Granted I don’t have much money but I want to be able to go where I want. I’ve thought about buying or renting an RV, packing up life and getting rid of everything I own and travel cross country with the Meows and see what happens. I wish I could just get up and leave and go somewhere far away like my friend Jessica did. She moved from Seattle to Australia and has been traveling ever since and I envy her so much. She is truly living life the way I want to I just don’t have the financial means and I will never give up my Meows for anything. They are what’s been holding me back from a lot- they are the glue that makes me sane and hold my head together. I’d be even more miserable without them. More and more I think about leaving and traveling.. it becomes the first thing in my mind when I wake up every day. Thinking – I just want to leave everything and not have to deal with anything ever again. I would worry about me myself and I .. and the meows because meow. Maybe one day – I just hope I’m not too old to handle myself. I want to do it young; and I wouldn’t mind having someone come with me.

Your hearts were never made of stone. Rise up you earth bound demons; rise up before me now and fight. Your time has finally come. Take me back before the years and memories … before the hourglass has drained; before the colors start to fade.

Illusion; At The End of Days.

Everyone has hopes;  you’re human after all.

This feeling is not sadness; this feeling is not joy. I truly understand, please don’t cry now.

Please don’t go, I want you to stay. I’m begging you please, please don’t leave here.

I don’t want you to change; for all the hurt that you feel.

The world is just illusion; trying to change you.

I’m sitting at Barnes and Nobles right now, at 8 pm at night on a Thursday and I’ll probably be here tomorrow night as well since I now have nothing to do ever anymore. This holiday season took a toll on me, and I’m not ashamed to say that. Sometimes life gets the best of you. I’ve relapsed. I don’t want to relapse. It’s the same things every time. And something needs to change with my life. I’m just not sure what that change is yet.

As I sit here, listening to VNV Nation and the Babelsberg Film Orchestra; it makes me wonder. It makes me think. What did I possibly do wrong? What about my imperfect life could I possibly have done wrong to drive away the one I love yet again? Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be anymore? Maybe I was the only one willing to put up a fight to stay happy and try to hold everything together for a second maybe third try? I don’t know why this keeps happening to me all the time. Maybe this was a lesson to me in what I’ve been doing wrong? I don’t know.

I don’t regret the choices I have made. These are feelings that do not pass so easily. How can I forget; what we’ve claimed as ours? Moments lost, as time remains. I’m so proud of what we were. No pain remains, no feelings; eternity awaits. Grant me wings so I may fly. My beloved, do you know; when the warm wind comes again; another year will start to pass. And please don’t ask me why I’m here; something deeper brought me that I need to remember. My beloved, do you know; how many years I’ve stared at clouds, thinking that I saw you there? These are feelings that do not pass so easily; how can I forget what we’ve claimed as ours?

I think it got to the point where I just wasn’t happy but I was trying because I was so happy and content with my life and how it was going to end up. If given the proper chance, I will take it and I will give you another shot to prove yourself. If that’s not enough, then it’s not enough. I have paid my dues and I have been here for you this whole time. Maybe you might not have realized it, and maybe you just don’t want to realize it. But I have always been there.  I have always asked “How was your day?” When I know you’ve had a terrible day and you might want to talk about it. I’ve always made sure you felt wanted and needed by me. I have taken the time to craft envelopes for you to open in everyday life situations and you ignored them. I’ve always cleaned for you because I know you hate it; even thought I hated it as well. I did these things for you, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

I’m sorry you weren’t happy like I was. Nothing was done wrong on either or our ends. It got to the point where my love, just wasn’t enough for you, or maybe it was too much for you and you didn’t want it anymore. It got to the point to where whenever I saw you I wasn’t happy. I admit it. And I missed that. I guess it got to the point to where it was.. almost a requirement to see you on certain days because you made it so. You made it like that and I’m sorry I agreed to it. We should see each other when we want and how often we wanted if there was truly love and a spark there anymore. I didn’t feel it half the time towards the end, and I’m sorry to admit that. I wanted to feel it. I tried to feel it. But I most definitely agree there needed to be a break to be able to miss each other again. I want to miss you. I want to look forward to seeing you, and I want to look forward to doing the things we used to when the connection was seamless.  There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you.

I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not senseless. And I will let the pain inside me die; eventually. My life was full of us, and so much of us, maybe I lost myself. I wasn’t the happy go lucky girl anymore that I was when we hung out as friends and in the beginning of the relationship the second time around. I know that now – I feel different. I’m sad now, but that’s because I feel like I’ve broken everything but I haven’t. We both did. You did by not wanting to work on anything and ignoring me and what we had, and I did by trying too much to fix what we had.

Something needs to change, and I’m not quite sure what that is yet to be honest. Just… something. Whether I need to move and distance myself away from this area because everywhere I go reminds me of us… or whether it’s just finding something different to be passionate about. I honestly don’t know. I just know that since this my anxiety is through the roof and something needs to be done about that first before I can make any firm decisions. I have a feeling this is where everything stems from and I will be a lot happier in life if I got help with the anxiety and depression I deal with from time to time. I’m finally admitting I need some help, and maybe even medication to help ease the anxiety pain. That’s first on my list now. I have to take care of me, and everything and everyone else; can wait. 

Lay me down, and wash this world from me. No moment was made to last. There are better days to come. Who will be there; to remember who we were? Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us? The sun was born; so it shall die. Only shadows now comfort me. I know in darkness, I will find you; giving up inside like me. Each day shall end as it begins. And though you’re far away from me; I know in darkness I will find you; giving up inside like me. I will forget that we were once dust from heaven. As were forged, we shall return; perhaps someday. I will remember us, and I will wonder who we were.

Should they include you, I’m not sure yet, that’s not for me alone to decide. Answers will come in time, and when they do come, please let them be clear. My love for us will never be forgotten; and I will always miss it.

I Am The Wind

“When you’re dumb enough for long enough, you’re gonna meet someone too smart to love you, and they’re gonna love you anyway, and it’s gonna go so poorly.” – Neil Hilborn, Ballad of the Bruised Lung

Been awhile, life’s been crazy. I’ve been trying to find the time to keep writing but I just haven’t had any. I mean I have, but I’ve had no ideas really to make me want to write anything substantial in my opinion. It’s been a blur to be honest, I can’t believe a year has almost gone by since myself and guy started dating again.. and it makes me feel semi good, that I can make it better than the last time we dated since we both effed up the last time and several times after that. Seems like we can’t just get it right.. Maybe this time won’t be so bad… here’s to hoping!

I’ve taken some photos recently, with guy’s other camera the Sony a6000 and I like it. But I only like it with the 90mm Macro since it’s amazing. I kind of want it. But there’s no way I can afford the lenses for it. Yes, I can borrow his, but what’s that going to do for me should something happen with myself and him. I will never give up my Canon camera for something else. I would only add to it. I plan on trying to start a collection of some sorts and when I finally get a home, I will have a camera closet for all my things.

Here are a few shots of the Sony a6000 that I took just yesterday around Nanticoke, PA. 

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When you’re tired of waiting and time is not on your side
When you’re tired of hating me, you no longer want to hide

It’s time for another session of relaxation and tea bath before my roommates get home and take their long shower. I’ve been thankful enough to get to take some nice showers lately thankfully, and it’s helping my mood a lot surprisingly. *hand clap* Off I go because then I’m going to sleep forever tonight, maybe I’ll put my hair in curlers again. We’ll see since it seems to poof then I use them, lol!

Cheers,

xoxox

Summertime Sadness

“You know that he doesn’t love you, right? He does not love you. He does not think about your eyes before bed. And he does not pick up the phone in attempt to dial your number. He doesn’t dream about your hands in his hair or the way your cheek grazes his. He doesn’t care about your mother and he never will. He doesn’t want to learn from you and he certainly doesn’t want to teach you. He will play with you as he has and he will use you for his pleasure. He will use your body and your advice, he will use your humor when he is lonely, he will use your essence as a crutch. He will never love you. He will not respect you. He will never be sorry for what he has done or what you’ve experienced. He will never strive to be like you and he will never be your hero. His voice will always tower over yours. He will always have the last word. He will never care about your needs, no matter how big or small. He will always blame you. So remember when you’re broken, remember when you’re tired and shattered all around the room, that he does not love you and if he did he would be walking through that door to pick up the shards of your heart, bloody fingers and all.”

It’s Monday morning, and I’m sitting here applying to jobs and oddly enough, came across this quote and it totally makes sense to me. I think a lot of people should read this and listen to what it’s saying, it might just change your life. It didn’t for me, however, but for some of you out there struggling with something like this, take note of these words.

I know a few people going through something like this right now and it breaks my heart sometimes to hear all the shitty boys out there that keep doing this to females. Liars, cheaters, boys that play with emotions. I mean hell, just going on Facebook I see a lot of this and I’m about to go and just delete people because I don’t need anymore of this crap in my life with everything that’s going on with myself.

Why can’t everyone be truthful to who they really are and stop the lying and telling people what they want to hear? Maybe someday society will learn, but that day is not today. There are always going to be liars and humans like this – it’s who we are as a human race. And it’s best to stay away from these types of people if you can help it.

Always

Cheers,

xoxox

||Koral Dawn||

Don’t Be Fooled-

I’m not sad actually for once- but I was listening to this song this morning and it really hits home.
It’s a great song and makes me think alot- but that’s to be expected of course.
Sometimes-I wish I never felt the influence of you
Cause now I feel the disconnect, like an open wound
Where you once were, there is a space that runs as deep as hell
But every morning when I wake I tell myself-
Don’t be fooled by your emptiness,
There’s so much more room for happinessSometimes-it’s worse to have lost than to have never had at all
Cause it’s a curse to feel loved then to feel it all dissolved
Where you once were, there is a space that runs as deep as hell
But every morning when I wake I tell myself-
Don’t be fooled by your emptiness,
There’s so much more room for happiness
-Kaskade; Room For Happiness
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– The bruises never heal. There is nothing left of me. I want to believe in someone-
I want to believe in something. I want to believe that I can love again.
|KoralDawn |